PHILIP  GREELY  BROWN 

m 


CHILDREN— WHAT  ABE  THEY   GOOD   POR? 
"  I'll  give  oo  a  kitk  if  oo  \vant  one  !  "  —  PAGE  31. 


GREAT  MYSTERIES 


LITTLE     PLAGUES. 


BY 


JOHN    NEAL. 

n 


BOSTON: 

ROBERTS     BROTHERS. 
1870. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1869,  by 

ROBERTS   BROTHERS, 
In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  Dist.  of  Massachusetts. 


8TXBKOTTPED  BY  BEGAN  &  I.EAPBEATER, 

55  Water  Street. 


PREFACE. 


T  HATE  prefaces ;  and  the  older  I  grow,  the  more  I  hate 
•*•  them,  and  the  more  unwilling  I  am  to  transgress — in 
that  way  —  with  my  eyes  open. 

But  something  must  be  said,  I  suppose,  if  only  by  way 
of  an  advertisement,  or  warning. 

When  I  had  finished  what  one  of  my  daughters  persists 
in  calling  my  "NAUGHTY-BIOGRAPHY,"  and  the  other, 
"PERSONALITIES"  —  while  my  hair  has  grown  visibly 
thinner,  I  will  not  say  under  what  kind  of  domestic  remon 
strance  from  another  quarter,  and  a  very  amiable,  though 
witty  somebody  writes  it  "Maundering  Recollections  "  — 
I  had  an  idea  that,  if  I  went  further,  I  might  be  found 
"painting  the  lily,  gilding  refined  gold,"  etc.,  etc.,  and  so 
I  pulled  up  —  for  the  present. 

But  this  little  book  was  already  under  way.  I  had 
promised  it,  and  such  promises  I  always  keep  —  and  for 
the  best  of  reasons  :  I  cannot  afford  to  break  them. 

When  I  turned  out  the  original  of  "  Children  — What  are 
they  good  for?"  some  forty  years  ago,  or  thereabouts,  I  had 
never  met  with,  nor  heard  of,  anything  in  that  way.  Chil 
dren  were  overlooked.  Their  droppings  were  unheeded  — 
out  of  the  nursery.  But  now,  and  in  fact  very  soon  after 
my  little  essay  appeared  in  the  "Atlantic  Souvenir,"  if  I  do 
not  mistake,  the  papers  and  magazines,  both  abroad  and 
at  home,  were  continually  brightened  up  with  diamond- 
sparks  and  with  Down-easterly  or  "  Orient  pearls,  at  ran 
dom  strung,"  which  seemed  to  have  been  picked  up  in 

W 


iv  Preface. 


play-grounds,  or  adrift,  or  along  the  highway;  and  item- 
izers  were  seen  dodging  round  among  the  little  folks, 
wherever  they  were  congregated,  or  following  them  as  the 
Chinese  follow  a  stranger,  if  they  see  him  make  wry 
faces. 

For  amusement  only,  and  to  keep  myself  out  of  mis 
chief —  I  hope  I  have  succeeded — just  after  the  fire,  not 
having  much  to  do  beyond  twirling  my  thumbs,  and  try 
ing  to  whistle  "I  cares  for  nobody,  and  nobody  cares  for 
me,"  I  began  collecting  such  as  fell  in  my  way. 

My  first  idea  was  to  call  them  "  KINDLING-STUFF,"  or 
"  OVEN- WOOD,"  as  characteristic,  if  not  of  them,  at  least 
of  the  compiler;  but  finding  the  collection  grew  upon  me, 
and  myself  growing  serious,  I  adopted  "PICKINGS  AND 
STEALINGS,"  which,  on  the  whole,  I  think  still  more  char 
acteristic,  beside  being  both  suggestive  and  descriptive. 

"  GOODY  GRACIOUS,  A  FAIRY  STORY,"  I  wrote  for  the 
purpose  of  showing — and  proving — that  fairy  stories 
need  not  be  crowded  with  extravagant  impossibilities,  to 
engage  the  attention  of  our  little  folks ;  and  that  if  they 
are  so  contrived  as  to  seem  true,  or  at  least  possible,  they 
need  not  be  unwholesome.  Am  I  wrong? 

And  furthermore  saith  not,  as  Jacob  Barker  used  to  write, 
at  the  bottom  of  his  letters, 

"Your  respected  friend," 

J.    N. 


CONTENTS. 

I.  — CHILDREN  — WHAT  ARE  THEY  GOOD  FOR? 
II.  — GOODY  GRACIOUS!  AND  THE  FORGET-ME-NOT. 
III.  — PICKINGS  AND  STEALINGS. 


CHILDREN  —WHAT  ARE  THEY  GOQD  FOR? 


'TT^HE  child  is  father  of  the  man.  Men  are 
A  but  children  of  a  larger  growth.  How 
often  do  we  meet  with  this  array  of  words  ! 
Yet  how  insensible  we  are  to  the  profound 
philosophy  they  enwrap.  Sublime  and  aston 
ishing  truths  !  Uttered  every  day  in  our  hear 
ing,  set  before  our  eyes  at  every  step  of  our 
journey  through  life,  written  over  all  the  mon 
uments  of  Earth,  upon  the  pages  and  banners 
of  all  History,  upon  the  temples  and  the  pyr 
amids,  the  palaces  and  the  sepulchres  of  de 
parted  Nations,  upon  all  the  doings  of  the 
Past  and  the  Present,  as  with  unextinguish- 
able  fire,  and  sounding  forever  and  ever  in  the 
unapproachable  solitudes  of  the  Future  !  Yet 
(7) 


8       Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

heard  with  indifference,  read  without  emotion, 
and  repeated  from  mouth  to  mouth,  day  after 
day  and  year  after  year,  without  a  suspicion 
of  their  deep  meaning,  of  their  transcendent 
importance,  of  their  imperishable  beauty. 
And  why  ?  The  language  is  too  familiar,  the 
apparent  signification  too  simple  and  natural 
for  the  excited  understandings  of  the  multi 
tude.  There  is  no  curtain  to  be  lifted,  no  veil 
to  be  rent  as  with  the  hands  of  giants,  no  zone  to 
be  loosened,  no  mystery  to  be  expounded  afar 
off,  as  in  the  language  of  another  world,  noth 
ing  to  be  guessed  at,  or  deciphered,  nothing 
but  what  anybody  might  understand  if  he 
would ;  and,  therefore,  nothing  to  be  remem 
bered  or  cared  for. 

But,  in  simple  truth,  a  more  sublime  inter 
rogation  could  not  be  propounded  than  that 
which  may  appear  to  be  answered  by  the 
language  referred  to.  What  are  children  ? 


Children — what  are  they  good  for  ?      9 

Step  to  the  window  with  me.  The  street  is 
full  of  them.  Yonder  a  school  is  let  loose ; 
and  here,  just  within  reach  of  our  observa 
tion,  are  two  or  three  noisy  little  fellows ; 
and  there  another  party  mustering  for  play. 
Some  are  whispering  together,  and  plotting 
so  loudly  and  so  earnestly,  as  to  attract  every 
body's  attention  ;  while  others  are  holding 
themselves  aloof,  with  their  satchels  gaping 
so  as  to  betray  a  part  of  their  plans  for  to 
morrow  afternoon,  or  laying  their  heads 
together  in  pairs,  for  a  trip  to.  the  islands. 
Look  at  them,  weigh  the  question  I  have  put 
to  you,  and  then  answer  it,  as  it  deserves 
to  be  answered.  What  are  children  f  To 
which  you  reply  at  once,  without  any  sort  of 
hesitation  perhaps,  —  "Just  as  the  twig  is  bent 
the  tree's  inclined " ;  or,  "  Men  are  but  chil 
dren  of  a  larger  growth";  or,  peradventure, 
"The  child  is  father  of  the  man."  And  then, 


io     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

perhaps,  you  leave  me,  perfectly  satisfied 
with  yourself  and  with  your  answer,  having 
"plucked  out  the  heart  of  the  mystery,"  and 
uttered,  without  knowing  it,  a  string  of  glorious 
truths,  —  pearls  of  great  price. 

But,  instead  of  answering  you  as  another 
might,  instead  of  saying,  Very  true,  what  if 
I  were  to  call  you  back  to  the  window  with 
words  like  these :  Do  you  know  what  you 
have  said  ?  do  you  know  the  meaning  of  the 
language  you  have  employed  ?  or,  in  other 
words,  do  you  know  your  own  meaning  f 
what  would  you  think  of  me  ?  That  I  was 
playing  the  philosopher,  perhaps,  that  I 
wanted  to  puzzle  you  with  a  childish  question, 
that  I  thought  I  was  thinking,  or  at  best  that  I 
was  a  little  out  of  my  senses.  Yet,  if  you 
were  a  man  of  understanding,  I  should  have 
paid  you  a  high  compliment ;  a  searcher  after 
truth,  I  should  have  done  you  a  great  favor ; 


Children  —  -what  are  they  good  for?     1 1 

a  statesman,  a  lawgiver,  a  philanthropist,  a 
patriot,  or  a  father  who  deserved  to  be  a 
father,  I  should  have  laid  you  under  everlast 
ing  obligations,  I  should  have  opened  a  bound 
less  treasury  underneath  your  feet,  I  should 
have  translated  you  instantly  to  a  new  world, 
carried  you  up  into  a  high  mountain,  as  it 
were,  and  set  before  you  all  the  kingdoms  of 
the  earth,  with  all  their  revolutions  and 
changes,  all  future  history,  the  march  of 
armies,  the  growth  of  conquerors,  the  waxing 
and  the  waning  of  empire,  the  changes  of 
opinion,  the  apparition  of  thrones  dashing 
against  thrones,  the  overthrow  of  systems,  and 
the  revolution  of  ages. 

Among  the  children  who  are  now  playing 
together,  —  like  birds  among  the  blossoms  of 
earth,  haunting  all  the  green  shadowy  places 
thereof,  and  rejoicing  in  the  bright  air ;  happy 
and  beautiful  creatures,  and  as  changeable  as 


12     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

happy,  with  eyes  brimful  of  joy,  and  with 
hearts  playing  upon  their  little  faces  like  sun 
shine  upon  clear  waters ;  among  those  who 
are  now  idling  together  on  that  slope,  or  hunt 
ing  butterflies  together  on  the  edge  of  that 
wood,  a  wilderness  of  roses, — you  would  see 
not  only  the  gifted  and  the  powerful,  the  wise 
and  the  eloquent,  the  ambitious  and  the  re 
nowned,  the  long-lived  and  the  long-to-be- 
lamented  of  another  age,  but  the  wicked  and 
the  treacherous,  the  liar  and  the  thief,  the 
abandoned  profligate  and  the  faithless  hus 
band,  the  gambler  and  the  drunkard,  the  rob 
ber,  the  burglar,  the  ravisher,  the  murderer, 
and  the  betrayer  of  his  country.  The  child  is 
father  of  the  man. 

Among  them,  and  that  other  little  troop  just 
appearing,  children  with  yet  happier  faces  and 
pleasanter  eyes,  the  blossoms  of  the  future  — 
the  mothers  of  nations  —  you  would  see  the 


Children — what  are  they  good  for  f     13 

founders  of  states  and  the  destroyers  of  their 
country,  the  steadfast  and  the  weak,  the  judge 
and  the  criminal,  the  murderer  and  the  execu 
tioner,  the  exalted  and  the  lowly,  the  unfaith 
ful  wife  and  the  broken-hearted  husband,  the 
proud  betrayer  and  his  pale  victim,  the  living 
and  breathing  portents  and  prodigies,  the  em 
bodied  virtues  and  vices,  of  another  age  and 
of  another  world,  and  all  -playing  together  I 
Men  are  but  children  of  a  larger  growth. 

Pursuing  the  search,  you  would  go  forth 
among  the  little  creatures,  as  among  the  types 
of  another  and  a  loftier  language,  the  mystery 
whereof  has  been  just  revealed  to  you,  —  a 
language  to  become  universal  hereafter,  types 
in  which  the  autobiography  of  the  Future  was 
written  ages  and  ages  ago.  Among  the  inno 
cent  and  helpless  creatures  that  are  called 
children,  you  would  see  warriors,  with  their 
garments  rolled  in  blood,  the  spectres  of  kings 


14     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

and  princes,  poets  with  golden  harps  and  illu 
minated  eyes,  historians  and  painters,  archi 
tects  and  sculptors,  mechanics  and  merchants, 
preachers  and  lawyers ;  here  a  grave-digger 
flying  his  kite  with  his  future  customers,  there 
a  physician  playing  at  marbles  with  his  ;  here 
the  predestined  to  an  early  and  violent  death 
for  cowardice,  fighting  the  battles  of  a  whole 
neighborhood ;  there  a  Cromwell  or  a  Caesar, 
a  Napoleon  or  a  Washington,  hiding  them 
selves  for  fear,  enduring  reproach  or  insult 
with  patience ;  a  Benjamin  Franklin  higgling 
for  nuts  or  gingerbread,  or  the  "Old  Parr"  of 
another  generation  sitting  apart  in  the  sun 
shine,  and  shivering  at  every  breath  of  wind 
that  reaches  him.  Yet  we  are  told  that  "just 
as  the  twig  is  bent,  the  tree's  inclined." 

Hereafter  is  made  up  of  the  shreds  and 
patches  of  Heretofore.  If  "  Men  are  but 
children  of  a  larger  growth,"  then  -what  are 


Children  —  -what  are  they  good  for  ?    15 

children  f  Men  of  a  smaller  growth.  And 
this  happens  to  be  the  truth,  not  only  in  the 
world  of  imagination,  but  in  the  world  of  real 
ities  ;  not  only  among  poets,  but  among  law 
yers.  At  law,  children  are  men,  —  little  chil 
dren  murderers.  A  boy  of  nine,  and  others 
of  ten  and  eleven,  have  been  put  to  death  in 
England,  two  for  murder,  and  a  third  for  '"  cun 
ningly  and  maliciously  "  firing  two  barns.  Of 
the  little  murderers,  one  killed  his  playmate 
and  the  other  his  bedfellow.  One  hid  the 
body,  and  the  other  himself.  And  therefore, 
said  the  judges,  they  knew  they  had  done 
wrong,  —  they  could  distinguish  between  good 
and  evil ;  and  therefore  they  ordered  both  to 
be  strangled.  And  they  were  strangled  accord 
ingly.  As  if  a  child  who  is  old  enough  to 
know  that  he  has  done  wrong,  is  therefore  old 
enough  to  know  that  he  deserves  death  ! 

So  with  regard  to  children  of  the  other  sex. 


16     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

At  law,  babies  are  women,  women  babies. 
The  same  law  which  classes  our  mothers  and 
our  wives,  our  sisters  and  our  daughters,  with 
infants,  lunatics,  idiots,  and  "persons  beyond 
sea,"  allows  a  child  to  be  betrothed  at  seven,  to 
be  endowed  of  her  future  husband's  estate  at 
nine,  and  to  agree  or  disagree  to  a  previous 
marriage  at  twelve.  And  what  is  law  in  Eng 
land  is  law  here.  We  are  still  governed  by 
the  Court  of  King's  Bench,  the  lawyers  and 
the  judges  of  Westminister  Hall.  Let  no  man 
say,  therefore,  that  these  are  the  dreams  of 
poetry,  the  glittering  shapes  that  wander  about 
forever  and  ever  among  the  vast  chambers  of 
a  disordered  imagination.  They  are  not  so. 
They  are  no  phantasms, — they  are  realities, 
they  are  substantial  existences,  they  "  are 
known  to  the  law." 

Such   are   children.      Corrupted,    they   are 
fountains  of  bitterness  for  ages.     Would  you 


Children  —  ivhat  are  they  good  for?     1 7 

plant  for  the  skies?  Plant  in  the  live  soil  of 
the  warm  and  generous  and  youthful ;  pour  all 
your  treasures  into  the  hearts  of  children. 
Would  you  look  into  the  future  as  with  the 
spirit  of  prophecy,  and  read  as  with  a  tele 
scope  the  history  and  character  of  our  country, 
and  of  other  countries?  You  have  but  to 
watch  the  eyes  of  children  at  play. 

What  children  are,  neighborhoods  are. 
What  neighborhoods  are,  communities  are,  — 
states,  empires,  worlds !  They  are  the  ele 
ments  of  Hereafter  made  visible. 

Even  fathers  and  mothers  look  upon  children 
with  a  strange  misapprehension  of  their  dig 
nity,  Even  with  the  poets,  they  are  only  the 
flowers  and  blossoms,  the  dew-drops,  or  the 
playthings  of  earth.  Yet  "of  such  is  the  king 
dom  of  heaven."  The  Kingdom  of  Heaven  ! 
with  all  its  principalities  and  powers,  its  hi 
erarchies,  dominations,  thrones  !  The  Saviour 


i8  ^  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

understood  them  better ;  to  Him  their  true  dig 
nity  was  revealed.  Flowers  !  They  are  the 
flowers  of  the  invisible  world,  —  indestructible, 
self-perpetuating  flowers,  with  each  a  multi 
tude  of  angels  and  evil  spirits  underneath  its 
leaves,  toiling  and  wrestling  for  dominion  over 
it !  Blossoms !  They  are  the  blossoms  of 
another  world,  whose  fruitage  is  angels  and 
archangels.  Or  dew-drops?  They  are  dew- 
drops  that  have  their  source,  not  in  the  cham 
bers  of  the  earth,  nor  among  the  vapors  of  the 
sky,  which  the  next  breath  of  wind,  or  the 
next  flash  of  sunshine  may  dry  up  forever,  but 
among  the  everlasting  fountains  and  inex 
haustible  reservoirs  of  mercy  and  love.  Play 
things  !  God  !  —  if  the  little  creatures  would 
but  appear  to  us  in  their  true  shape  for  a 
moment !  We  should  fall  upon  our  faces 
before  them,  or  grow  pale  with  consternation, 
—  or  fling  them  off  with  horror  and  loathing. 


Children  —  -what  are  they  good  for?     19 

What  would  be  our  feelings  to  see  a  fair 
child  start  up  before  us  a  maniac  or  a  mur 
derer,  armed  to  the  teeth?  to  find  a  nest  of 
serpents  on  our  pillow?  a  destroyer,  or  a 
traitor,  a  Harry  the  Eighth,  or  a  Benedict 
Arnold  asleep  in  our  bosom?  A  Catherine  or 
a  Peter,  a  Bacon,  a  Galileo,  or  a  Bentham,  a 
Napoleon  or  a  Voltaire,  clambering  up  our 
knees  after  sugar-plums?  Cuvier  laboring  to 
distinguish  a  horse-fly  from  a  blue-bottle,  or 
dissecting  a  spider  with  a  rusty  nail  ?  La  Place 
trying  to  multiply  his  own  apples,  or  to  sub 
tract  his  playfellow's  gingerbread?  What 
should  we  say  to  find  ourselves  romping  with 
Messalina,  Swedenborg,  and  Madame  de 
Stael?  or  playing  bo-peep  with  Murat,  Robes 
pierre,  and  Charlotte  Corday?  or  puss-puss  in 
the  corner  with  George  Washington,  Jonathan 
Wild,  Shakspeare,  Sappho,  Jeremy  Taylor, 
Mrs.  Clark,  Alfieri,  and  Harriet  Wilson?  Yet 


2O     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

stranger  things  have  happened.  These  were 
all  children  but  the  other  day,  and  clambered 
about  the  knees,  and  rummaged  in  the  pockets, 
and  nestled  in  the  laps  of  people  no  better 
than  we  are.  But  if  they  had  appeared  in 
their  true  shape  for  a  single  moment,  while 
playing  together !  What  a  scampering  there 
would  have  been  among  the  grown  folks ! 
How  their  fingers  would  have  tingled ! 

Now  to  me  there  is  no  study  half  so  de 
lightful  as  that  of  these  little  creatures,  with 
hearts  fresh  from  the  gardens  of  the  sky,  in 
their  first  and  fairest  and  most  unintentional 
disclosures,  while  they  are  indeed  a  mystery, 
a  fragrant,  luminous,  and  beautiful  mystery. 
And  I  have  an  idea  that  if  we  only  had  a 
name  for  the  study,  it  might  be  found  as 
attractive  and  as  popular,  and  perhaps  — 
though  I  would  not  go  too  far — -perhaps 
about  as  advantageous  in  the  long  run  to  the 


Children  —  what  are  they  good  for?     21 

future  fathers  and  mothers  of  mankind,  as 
the  study  of  shrubs  and  flowers,  or  that  of 
birds  and  fishes.  And  why  not?  They  are 
the  cryptogamia  of  another  world,  —  the  infu 
soria  of  the  skies. 

Then  why  not  pursue  the  study  for  your 
self?  The  subjects  are  always  before  you. 
No  books  are  needed,  no  costly  drawings,  no 
lectures,  neither  transparencies  nor  illustra 
tions.  Your  specimens  are  all  about  you. 
They  come  and  go  at  your  bidding.  They 
are  not  to  be  hunted  for,  along  the  edge  of 
a  precipice,  on  the  borders  of  the  wilderness, 
in  the  desert,  nor  by  the  sea-shore.  They 
abound,  not  in  the  uninhabited  or  unvisited 
place,  but  in  your  very  dwelling-houses,  about 
the  steps  of  your  doors,  in  every  street  of 
every  village,  in  every  green  field,  and  every 
crowded  thoroughfare.  They  flourish  bravely 
in  snow-storms,  in  the  dust  of  the  trampled 


22     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

highway,  where  drums  are  beating  and  colors 
flying  —  in  the  roar  of  cities.  They  love  the 
sounding  sea-breeze  and  the  open  air,  and 
may  always  be  found  about  the  wharves,  and 
rejoicing  before  the  windows  of  toy-shops. 
They  love  the  blaze  of  fireworks  and  the 
smell  of  gunpowder;  and  where  that  is,  they 
are,  to  a  dead  certainty. 

You  have  but  to  go  abroad  for  half  an  hour 
in  pleasant  weather,  or  to  throw  open  your 
doors  or  windows  on  a  Saturday  afternoon, 
if  you  live  anywhere  in  the  neighborhood  of 
a  school-house,  or  a  vacant  lot,  with  here 
and  there  a  patch  of  green,  or  a  dry  place 
in  it,  and  steal  behind  the  curtains,  or  draw 
the  blinds,  and  let  the  fresh  wind  blow  through 
and  through  the  chambers  of  your  heart  for 
a  few  minutes,  winnowing  the  dust  and  scat 
tering  the  cobwebs  that  have  gathered  there 
while  you  were  asleep,  and  lo  !  you  will  find 


Ch ildrcn  —  ivh at  are  they  good  fo r?     2 3 

it  ringing  with  the  voices  of  children  at  play, 
and  all  alive  with  the  glimmering  phantas 
magoria  of  leap-frog,  prison-base,  or  knock- 
up-and-catch. 

Let  us  try  the  experiment.  There  !  I  have 
opened  the  windows,  I  have  drawn  the  blinds, 
and  hark  !  already  there  is  the  sound  of  little 
voices  afar  off,  like  "sweet  bells  jangling." 
Nearer  and  nearer  come  they,  and  now  we 
catch  a  glimpse  of  bright  faces  peeping  round 
the  corners,  and  there,  by  that  empty  in- 
closure,  you  see  a  general  mustering  and 
swarming,  as  of  bees  about  a  newly-discov 
ered  flower-garden.  But  the  voices  we  now 
hear  proceed  from  t\vo  little  fellows  \vho  have 
withdrawn  from  the  rest.  One  carries  a  large 
basket,  and  his  eyes  are  directed  to  my  win 
dow  ;  he  doesn't  half  like  the  blinds  being 
drawn.  The  other  follows  him,  with  a  tat 
tered  book  under  his  arm,  rapping  the  posts, 


24     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

one  after  the  other,  as  he  goes  along.  He  is 
clearly  on  bad  terms  with  himself.  And  now 
we  can  see  their  faces.  Both  are  grave,  and 
one  rather  pale,  and  trying  to  look  ferocious. 
And  hark  !  now  we  are  able  to  distinguish 
their  words.  "Well,  I  ain't  skeered  o' you," 
says  the  foremost  and  the  larger  boy.  "Nor 
I  ain't  skeered  o'  you,"  retorts  the  other;  "but 
you  needn't  say  you  meant  to  lick  me."  And 
so  I  thought.  Another,  less  acquainted  with 
children,  might  not  be  able  to  see  the  con 
nection  ;  but  I  could,  —  it  was  worthy  of  Aris 
totle  himself,  or  John  Locke.  "I  didn't  say 
I  meant  to  lick  ye,"  rejoined  the  first,  "I  said 
I  could  lick  ye,  and  so  I  can."  To  which  the 
other  replies,  glancing  first  at  my  window  and 
then  all  up  and  down  street,  "  I  should  like  to 
see  you  try."  Whereupon  the  larger  boy 
begins  to  move  away,  half  backwards,  half 
sideways,  muttering  just  loud  enough  to  be 


Children  —  iu hat  are  they  good  for?     25 

heard,  "Ah,  you  want  to  fight  now,  jest  'cause 
you're  close  by  your  own  house.''  And  here 
the  dialogue  finished,  and  the  babies  moved 
on,  shaking  their  little  heads  at  each  other, 
and  muttering  all  the  way  up  street.  Men 
are  but  children  of  a  larger  growth !  Chil 
dren  but  Empires  in  miniature. 

How  beautiful  and  how  strange  are  the  first 
combinations  of  thought  in  a  wayward  or 
peevish  child !  And  then,  how  alike  we  all 
are  in  our  waywardness  and  peevishness !  It 
is  but  a  change  of  name,  and  one  trifle  is 
about  as  good  as  another  to  breed  a  quarrel, 
or  to  throw  the  wisest  and  the  best  of  our 
grown  babies  oft  their  balance.  A  bit  of 
writing,  the  loss  of  a  paper  with  pictures  on 
it,  a  handful  of  glittering  dust,  or  somebody 
making  mouths  at  us,  a  word  or  a  look,  and 
we  are  stamping  with  rage,  or  miserable  for 
half  a  day.  A  cloud  coming  up  when  the 


26     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

horses  are  at  the  door,  a  little  bad  weather, 
a  spot  upon  our  new  clothes,  or  a  lump  of 
sugar  not  quite  so  large  as  another's  ;  and  what 
children  we  are  !  How  perfectly  wretched  ! 

I  once  knew  a  little  boy,  who,  after  sitting 
awhile  as  if  lost  in  thought,  turned  to  his 
mother,  and  said  :  "  Mother  !  what  did  you 
marry  my  father  for?  Why  didn't  you  wait 
till  I  grew  up,  and  then  marry  me  ?  "  Rather 
a  strange  question,  to  be  sure,  and  the  little 
fellow  was  but  just  old  enough  to  put  his 
words  together.  But  compare  it  with  many 
a  question  put  by  the  sages  of  earth.  Con 
sider  it  side  by  side  with  the  ponderings  and 
the  misgivings,  the  inquisitiveness  and  the 
apprehensions  of  a  great  Philosopher,  when 
he  interrogates  the  Builder  of  the  Universe, 
and  sets  himself  in  array,  face  to  face,  with 
Jehovah. 

Nay,  I  have  heard  a  very  intelligent  person 


Children  —  ivhat  are  they  good  for?     27 

of  mature  age  betray  a  confusion  of  thought 
altogether  as  laughable  as  that  of  the  poor 
boy.  She  had  been  to  see  a  captious  old  lady 
whom  her  father,  in  his  youth,  had  once  in 
tended  to  marry.  "And  how  did  you  like 
her?"  said  I.  "Not  at  all,"  she  replied; 
"oh,  you  don't  know  how  glad  I  am  that 
father  did  not  marry  her ;  I  never  should  have 
liked  her,  I  am  sure."  As  if,  marry  whom 
he  might,  she  must  have  been  born,  she  her 
self,  with  precisely  the  same  preferences,  pre 
judices  and  opinions  ! 

"Oh,  mother  !"  said  little  Mary,  aged  two 
years  and  a  half  at  the  time,  looking  up  as 
she  heard  a  noise,  and  blushing  from  head 
to  foot,  "  /  hear  a  bad  smell,  —  'taint  me 
nor  brother.  It  was  an  old  man  in  the  next 
house ; "  hemming  loudly  and  suddenly,  with  a 
cough.  Modesty  is  one  thing,  —  squeamish- 
ness  about  children  another ;  and  this  is  really 
too  good  to  be  lost. 


28     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

I  remember  a  little  boy  who  was  a  lexicog 
rapher'  from  his  birth,  a  language-master 
and  a  philosopher.  From  the  hour  he  was 
able  to  ask  for  a  piece  of  bread  and  butter, 
he  never  hesitated  for  a  word,  not  he !  If 
one  wouldn't  serve,  another  would,  with  a  little 
twisting  and  turning.  He  assured  me  one 
day,  when  I  was  holding  him  by  the  hand 
rather  tighter  than  he  wished  (he  was  but 
just  able  to  speak  at  the  time) ,  that  I  should 
choke  his  hand ;  at  another,  he  came  to  me 
all  out  of  breath,  to  announce  that  a  man 
was  below  shaving  the  wall.  Upon  due  in 
quiry,  it  turned  out  that  he  was  only  -tuhite- 
ivashing.  But  how  should  he  know  the 
difference  between  whitewash  and  lather,  a 
big  brush  and  a  little  one?  Show  me,  if  you 
can,  a  prettier  example  of  synthesis  or  gen 
eralization,  or  a  more  beautiful  adaptation  of 
old  words  to  new  purposes.  I  have  heard 


Children  —  what  are  they  good  for?     29 

another  complain  of  a  school-fellow  for  wink 
ing  at  him  with  his  Izpj  and  he  took  the 
affront  very  much  to  heart,  I  assure  you,  and 
would  not  be  pacified  till  the  matter  was 
cleared  up. 

Another,  now  at  my  elbow,  hardly  five,  has 
just  been  prattling  about  the  handle  of  a  pin, 
meaning  the  head  ;  to  him  shavings  were 
board-ravelling*,  above  a  twelvemonth  ago, 
and  I  never  shall  forget  his  earnestness  about 
what  he  called  the  necklace  of  the  gate,  —  a 
heavy  iron  chain  with  a  large  weight  swing 
ing  to  it, — which  a  wood-sawyer  had  forgotten 
to  replace  after  finishing  his  work. 

It  is  but  yesterday  that  a  little  boy,  being 
asked  by  an  elder  sister  in  my  presence  what 
a  widow  was  —  he  had  been  talking1  about 

o 

a  widow — replied,  A  -poor  woman  that  goes 
out  a-washing.  What  better  definition  wrould 
you  have  ?  At  home  or  abroad,  is  not  the 


30     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

poor  widow  always  a-washing, — now  the  floors 
of  a  wealthier  neighbor,  and  the  clothes  of 
somebody  who  happens  not  to  be  a  widow,  — 
and  now  with  her  own  tears  the  face  of  her 
little  baby,  that  lies  half  asleep  and  half  sob 
bing  in  her  lap  ?  Other  children  talk  about 
the  bones  in  peaches,  —  osteologists  are  they; 
and  others,  when  they  have  the  toothache, 
aver  that  it  burns  them.  Of  such  is  the 
empire  of  poetry.  I  have  heard  another  give 
a  public  challenge  in  these  words  to  every 
child  that  came  near,  as  she  sat  upon  the 
doorstep  with  a  pile  of  tamarind-stones,  nut 
shells,  and  pebbles  lying  before  her:  "Ah! 
I've  got  many-er  than  you  !  "  That  child  was 
a  better  grammarian  than  Lindley  Murray ; 
and  her  wealth,  in  what  was  it  unlike  the 
hoarded  and  useless  wealth  of  millions? 

Not    long    ago,    while    passing    through    a 
narrow,  unfrequented  street,  my  attention  was 


Children  —  what  are  they  good  for?     31 

attracted  by  two. little  girls  at  play  together: 
one  a  perfect  tomboy,  with  large  laughing 
eyes,  and  a  prodigious  quantity  of  hair;  the 
other  a  little  timid  creature,  altogether  too 
shy  to  look  up  as  I  passed.  The  romp  was 
balancing  her  body  over  the  gate,  and  the 
little  prude  was  looking  at  her.  On  the  op 
posite  side  of  the  way  were  two  smart-looking 
boys,  whom  I  did  not  observe  till  I  heard  a 
sweet,  clear  voice  at  my  elbow  saying — almost 
singing,  indeed — "I'll  give  oo  a  kith  if  oo want 
one  !  "  I  stopped  and  heard  the  offer  repeated 
by  the  shy  looking  puss,  while  the  romp  stared 
at  her  with  her  mouth  wide  open,  and  the 
boys  cleared  out  with  a  laugh,  being  too 
shame-faced  to  profit  by  the  offer.  Verily, 
verily,  men  are  but  children  of  a  larger 
growth  —  and  women  too. 

There  was  the  language  of  truth,  of  inno 
cence,   of  unadulterated  nature  !     There   are 


32     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

no  mealy-mouthed  human  creatures  among 
the  pure.  But  lo  !  that  child  is  going  forth 
into  the  world,  leaving  behind  her  the  green 
and  beautiful  places,  haunted  with  wild  flow 
ers,  where  everything  appeared  in  the  lan 
guage  of  truth ;  and  after  a  little  time,  with 
far  less  purity,  she  may  blush  and  tremble 
at  every  thought  of  being  kissed,  with  or  with 
out  her  leave.  And  the  poor  boys,  —  anon 
they  are  to  be  the  pursuers,  and  pray  and 

v 

beseech,  where,  but  for  a  newly-acquired  and 
counterfeit  nature,  they  might  loiter  along  by 
the  wayside,  and  be  sure  of  a  call  from  the 
rosy  lips  and  bright  eyes  that  hovered  about 
their  path.  Poor  boys  ! 

But  children  are  wonderful  for  their  cour 
age,  their  patience,  and  their  fortitude.  I 
have  known  a  little  boy  completely  worn  out 
by  watching  and  suffering,  tear  off  the  ban 
dages  at  last,  and,  looking  up  into  the  face 


Children  —  'what  are  they  good  for?    33 

of  a  woman  who  watched  over  him,  say  to 
her  with  a  sweet  smile, — "  Georgee  muss  die, 
Chamber  (her  name  was  Chambers),  Georgee 
muss  die  —  Georgee  want  to  die."  And  he 
did  die,  with  that  very  smile  upon  his  mouth. 

Not  many  years  ago,  another  was  caught 
in  a  mill :  they  stopped  the  machinery,  and 
took  the  wheel  to  pieces ;  but  it  was  an  hour 
and  a  half  before  they  could  free  her  entirely. 
During  this  time  she  threw  her  arms  about 
her  father's  neck,  and  kissing  him,  whispered  : 
"Am  I  dead,  -pafaf^  She  died  within  two 
hours  after  she  was  liberated.  One  might 
almost  expect  to  see  winglets  of  purple  and 
gold,  budding  before  death,  from  between  the 
shoulders  of  such  a  child. 

The  reasoning  of  the  little  creatures,  too, 
is   always    delightful ;    and  if  you  are    good- 
natured  enough  to  follow  them  through  their 
own    little    demonstrations,    without    insisting 
3 


34     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

upon   the   language   of   a   syllogism,    always 
conchisive.     Take  two  or  three  examples  in 
proof:    A   child    about   three   years   of    age, 
unperceived  by  its  mother,  followed  her  down 
cellar,  and,  when   its   mother   returned,    was 
left   there.      By-and-by   the   little   thing   was 
missed :   inquiries  were  made  in  every  quar 
ter;   the   whoje   neighborhood   was   alarmed; 
the  well  searched,  the  hen-house,  the  barn, 
the     very    pigsty ;     but     all     in    vain.       At 
last,    somebody    had     occasion     to     go    into 
the   cellar,  and  there,  upon  the  bottom  step 
of  the   stairs,  the   little   creature   was   found, 
sitting  by  herself,  as  still  as  death,  and  purple 
with  cold.     Half  frantic  with  joy,  the  mother 
snatched  her  up,  and,  running  to  the  fire  with 
her,    asked   her  why  she   did   not   cry.      "/ 
toudn't)  ma?  was  the  reply,  —  "I  toudn't,  ma, 
—  it  -war  tho  dark!"     After  all,  now,  was  not 
that  a  capital  reason?  —  was  it  not  the  truth? 


Children  —  what  are  they  good  for  f    35 

How  many  are  there  who  cannot,  or  will  not 
cry,  even  to  their  Father  above,  because  it  is 
so  dark.  Another  child  of  about  the  same 
age  used  to  lie  awake  and  chatter  by  the 
hour,  after  she  \vent  to  bed.  Out  of  all 
patience  with  her  one  night,  her  bedfellow 
said  to  her,  — 

"Will  you  hold  your  tongue,  Lucinda,  and 
let  me  go  to  sleep  ?  " 

"No,  I  tan't." 

"You  can't,  —  why  not,  pray?" 
•  "  Cause    it    mates    my    tomach    ache.    Ant 
Rachel!" 

And  even  that  child  —  why  do  you  laugh 
at  her?  —  didn't  she  tell  the  truth?  and  was 
not  that  a  capital  reason  ?  How  many  grown 
people  are  there  who  cannot  hold  their 
tongues — and,  if  the  truth  were  told,  because 
it  makes  their  stomach  ache!  or  for  some 
other  reason  not  half  so  much  to  the  purpose. 


36     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

They  are  decided  politicians,  too.  A  friend 
of  mine  has  a  boy  just  able  to  speak. 

"  Houyah  for  Jackson ! "  said  he  one  day, 
before  his  father. 

"  Why,  Charles !  why  do  you  hurra  for 
Jackson — I  am  not  a  Jackson  man." 

"  Don't  tare  Too  aint  —  I  ar ! "  was  the 
reply. 

A  leader •,  of  course,  for  the  next  genera 
tion —  of  those  who  are  to  think  for  them 
selves. 

Their  childish  cunning,  too,  is  exquisite.  I 
remember  seeing  a  little  boy  about  four  years 
of  age  bite  his  eldest  sister's  finger  in  play 
so  as  to  leave  a  mark,  for  which  he  was  chid 
den  by  his  mother,  whereupon  he  stole  away 
to  his  sister  and  put  his  finger  into  her  mouth, 
and  told  her  to  bite:  she  refused,  he  insisted; 
after  a  good  deal  of  persuasion,  she  yielded. 
"  Harder  !  harder  !  "  whispered  he. 


Children  —  -what  are  they  good  for  f     37 

At  last  a  mark  appeared  —  a  little  dent. 
(You  understand  French,  I  hope.) 

"Now!"  said  he,  pulling  her  toward  his 
mother.  ft  Now  "  —  his  large  eyes  sparkling 
with  triumph,  and  holding  up  his  plump, 
rosy  little  finger,  and  making  all  sorts  of 
faces — "Now!  turn  to  mother  oosef!" 

Was  there  ever  a  better  illustration  of  the 
Thistlewood  Plot  —  of  the  Gunpowder  Plot  — 
or  of  that  policy  which,  here  as  well  as  there, 
makes  offences  profitable  to  the  informer? 
That  boy  was  but  another  Vidocq;  or  an 
other  First  Consul  of  the  French  Empire. 

And  have  you  never,  when  riding  by  in 
a  stage-coach,  seen  a  little  fellow  at  the  win 
dow  or  the  door  of  a  house  in  the  country 
crying  as  if  his  very  heart  would  break  ? 
Did  not  he  always  stop  till  you  got  by, — 
and  then  didn't  he  always  begin  again  ?  with 
the  same  look,  the  same  voice,  and  the 


38     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

same  outcry,  refusing  to  be  comforted? 
These  are  the  fellows  for  office  —  he  only 
wanted  an  augmentation  of  salary ;  that  was 
all  —  and  I  dare  say  he  got  it. 

"Ah,  ah,  hourra !  hourra  !  here's  a  fellow's 
birthday ! "  cried  a  boy  in  my  hearing  once. 
A  number  had  got  together  to  play  ball ;  but 
one  of  them  having  found  a  birthday,  and 
not  only  the  birthday,  but  the  very  boy 
it  belonged  to,  they  all  gathered  about 
him,  as  if  they  had  never  witnessed  a  con 
junction  of  the  sort  before.  The  very  fellows 
for  a  committee  of  inquiry !  —  into  the  affairs 
of  a  national  bank,  too,  if  you  please. 

Never  shall  I  forget  another  incident  which 
occurred  in  my  presence,  between  two  other 
boys.  One  was  trying  to  jump  over  a  wheel 
barrow —  another  was  going  by;  he  stopped, 
and,  after  considering  a  moment,  spoke : 

"  I'll  tell  you  what  you  can't  do,"  said  he. 


Children  —  what  are  they  good  for f     39 

"Well,  what  is  it?" 

"  You  can't  jump  down  your  Own  throat." 

"Well,  you  can't." 

"Can't  I  though!" 

The  simplicity  of  "Well,  you  can't,"  and 
the  roguishness  of  "  Can't  I  though  !  "  tickled 
me  prodigiously.  They  reminded  me  of 
sparring  I  had  seen  elsewhere  —  I  should 
not  like  to  say  where  —  having  a  great  re 
spect  for  the  Temples  of  Justice  and  the  Halls 
of  Legislation. 

"I  say  'tis  white-oak." 

"  I  say  it's  red-oak." 

"Well,  I  say  it's  white-oak." 

"I  tell  ye  'taint  white-oak." 

Here  they  had  joined  issue  for  the  first 
time. 

"I  say  'tis." 

"I  say  'taint." 

"I'll  bet  ye  ten  thousand  dollars  of  it." 


40     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

"Well,  I'll  bet  you  ten  thousand  dollars  !  " 

Such  were  the  very  words  of  a  conversation 
I  have  just  heard  between  two  children,  the 
elder  about  six,  the  other  about  five.  Were 
not  these  miniature  men  ?  Stock-brokers  and 
Theologians?  or  only  Land  Speculators? 

"Well,  my  lad,  you've  been  to  meeting, 
hey?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"  And  who  preached  for  you  ?  " 

"Mr.  P ." 

"Ah!    and  what  did  he  say?" 

"  I  can't  remember  sir,  he  put  me  out  so." 

"Put  you  out?" 

"Yes,  sir  —  he  kept  lookin'  at  my  new 
clothes  all  meetin'  time." 

That  child  must  have  been  a  close  ob 
server.  Will  anybody  tell  me  that  he  did 
not  know  what  people  go  to  meeting  for? 

It  wus   but  yesterday  that  I   passed   a  fat 


Children — -what  are  they  good  for  f    41 

little  girl  with  large  hazel  eyes,  sitting  by 
herself  in  a  gateway,  with  her  feet  sticking 
straight  out  into  the  street.  She  was  holding 
a  book  in  one  hand,  and  with  a  bit  of  stick 
in  the  other,  was  pointing  to  the  letters. 

"What's  that?"  cried  she,  in  a  sweet  chirp 
ing  voice  ;  "  hey !  Look  on  !  What's  that,  I 
say  ?  —  F  —  No  —  o  —  o  —  oh  !  "  shaking  her 
little  head  with  the  air  of  a  school-mistress, 
who  has  made  up  her  mind  not  to  be  trifled 
with. 

It  reminded  me  of  another  little  girl  some 
what  older,  wrho  used  to  sit  and  play  under 
neath  my  windows,  and  look  down  into  the 
long  green  grass  at  her  feet,  and  shake  her 
head,  and  laugh  and  talk  by  the  hour,  as 
if  she  had  a  baby  there,  to  the  infinite  amuse 
ment  of  all  the  neighborhood.  That  girl 
should  have  betaken  herself  to  the  stage. 
She  was  the  very  spirit  of  what  may  be 
called  the  familiar  drama. 


42     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

Talk  as  we  may  about  children,  their  no 
tions  are  sometimes  both  affecting .  and  sub 
lime  ;  and  their  adventures  more  extraordinary 
than  were  the  strangest  of  Captain  Cook's,  — 
more  perilous  than  that  of  him  who  discovered 
America.  I  have  known  a  child,  not  three 
years  of  age,  and  hardly  tall  enough  to  reach 
the  round  of  a  ladder,  clamber  up  the  side 
and  along  the  roof,  and  seat  himself  on  the 
ridge-pole  of  a  two-story  house,  before  they 
discovered  him. 

Very  odd  things  occur  to  all  parents,  if 
they  would  but  observe  them,  and  treasure 
them  —  in  the  flowering  of  their  children's 
hearts. 

"When  I  am  dead,  sister  Mary,  I'll  come 
back  to  see  you,  and  you  must  save  all  the 
crumbs  and  feed  me — won't  ye,  sister  Mary?" 
said  a  little  boy  to  his  sister. 

Upon   full   inquiry,    I   found    that    he   had 


Children  —  -what  are  they  good  for?     43 

associated  the  idea  of  little  angels,  that  would 
fly  about,  with  the  pigeons  belonging  to  a 
neighbor,  which  he  had  been  accustomed  to 
toll  from  the  perch  into  the  back-yard,  with 
little  crumbs  of  bread,  saved  at  the  table.  On 
another  occasion,  he  laid  down  his  knife  and 
fork,  and  looking  up  with  the  most  perfect 
seriousness  and  apparent  good  faith,  said,  — 

"Father,  I  mustn't  eat  any  more  fat  meat." 

"Why  not,  my  boy?" 

"God  told  me  I  must  not." 

«  God!  —  when?" 

"Last  night,  father." 

Of  course  the  child  had  been  dreaming  — 
so  I  urged  the  inquiry  a  little  further: 

"Did  you  see  God?" 

"Yes,  father." 

"And  how  did  He  look?" 

"Oh,  He  looked  like  a  — like  a— "thought 
fully,  and  casting  about  for  a  comparison  — 


44     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

and  then  all  at  once  he  brightened  up   and 

said,  — 

• 

"  Like  a  woodchuck,  father  !  " 

For  a  moment  I  was  thunder-struck  — 
where  could  he  have  got  such  an  idea? 
He  had  never  seen  a  woodchuck  in  his  life. 
Instead  of  laughing  at  the  absurdity  of  the 
notion,  however,  I  treated  the  matter  very 
seriously,  and  after  a  while  found  that  he 
had  been  on  the  watch  at  the  window  every 
day  for  nearly  a  month,  to  see  a  woodchuck 
which  had  escaped  from  a  neighbor,  and 
burrowed  under  our  wood-house,  and  used 
to  come  out  after  nightfall  to  feed.  The 
little  fellow  was  perfectly  honest  —  he  had 
no  idea  of  untruth  or  irreverence ;  others 
had  seen  the  woodchuck,  and  he  had  not, 
and  nothing  occurred  to  him  half  so  strange 
or  mysterious  for  a  comparison.  It  would 
not  do  to  compare  God  with  anything  he 


Children  —  what  are  they  good  for?     45 

had  seen,  and  a  woodchuck  was  the  only 
thing  he  had  not  seen  which  corresponded 
at  all  with  his  notions  of  the  Invisible. 

But  children  have  other  characters.  At 
times  they  are  creatures  to  be  afraid  of. 
Every  case  I  give,  is  a  fact  within  my  own 
observation.  There  are  children,  and  I  have 
had  to  do  with  them,  whose  very  eyes  were 
terrible  :  children  who,  after  years  of  watch 
ful  and  anxious  discipline,  were  as  indomitable 
as  the  young  of  the  wild  beast  dropped  in 
the  wilderness ;  crafty,  and  treacherous,  and 
cruel.  And  others  I  have  known,  who,  if 
they  live,  must  have  dominion  over  the  mul 
titude  ;  being  evidently  of  them  that,  from 
the  foundations  of  the  world,  have  been  al 
ways  thundering  at  the  gates  of  Power. 

There  sits  a  little  girl  with  raisins  in  her 
lap.  She  had  enough  to  spare  a  few  minutes 
ago,  but  now  she  has  given  them  all  away, 


46     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

handful  by  handful,  to  a  much  older  and 
more  crafty  child.  She  has  not  another  left ; 
and  as  she  sits  by  him,  and  looks  him  up 
in  the  face,  and  asks  him  for  one  now  and 
then  so  innocently,  he  keeps  cramming  them 
into  his  mouth,  and  occasionally  doles  one 
out  to  her  with  such  a  look !  so  strangely 
made  up  of  reluctance  and  self-gratulation. 
And  she,  poor  thing,  whenever  she  gets  one, 
affects  to  enjoy  it  prodigiously,  shaking  her 
head,  and  making  a  noise  with  her  mouth 
as  if  it  were  crammed  full.  Just  as  the 
twig  is  bent,  etc.,  etc. 

And  it  is  but  the  other  day  —  only  a  week 
ago  —  I  had  an  opportunity  of  seeing  a 
similar  case.  A  girl  of  eighteen  months 
was  overhauling  her  play-basket  before  a  boy 
of  seven.  She  was  ready  enough  to  show 
all  her  toys,  but  whatever  he  took  into  his 
hand,  she  would  instantly  reach  after.  Be- 


Children — what  are  they  good  forf    47 

fore  two  minutes  were  over,  I  found  him 
playing  the  man  of  business,  pretending  to 
like  what  he  did  not,  and  to  dislike  what 
he  most  coveted.  There  were  heaps  of  play 
things  strewed  about  over  the  floor.  Among 
them  wrere  the  remains  of  a  little  dog  which 
had  been  sadly  pulled  to  pieces,  but  which 
the  boy  took  a  decided  fancy  to,  nevertheless. 
He  kept  his  eye  upon  them,  and  after  taking 
possession  leaned  over  toward  the  little  girl, 
and  shook  his  head,  and  spoke  in  that  pe 
culiarly  soothing  voice,  and  with  that  coaxing 
manner,  which  are  common  to  horse-dealers, 
and  which  children  so  well  know  how  to 
counterfeit  when  they  have  a  worthy  object 
in  view. 

"Oh,  the  pretty  teapot!  Oh  my!  Mary 
want  it,"  said  he,  turning  it  over  and  over, 
and  carefully  displaying  the  crooked  nose, 
the  warped  handle,  and  the  useless  bottom, 
while  he  secured  the  dog. 


48     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

That  over,  he  tried  his  hand  at  a  little 
Indian  basket,  talking  all  the  time  as  fast  as 
his  tongue  could  run,  in  favor  of  the  toys 
he  had  no  relish  for.  A  diplomatist  in  em 
bryo,  a  chess-player,  a  merchant,  a  lawyer  ? 
What  more  can  the  best  of  them  do  ?  What 
more  have  they  ever  done  ? 

I  saw  three  children  throwing  sticks  at  a 
cow.  She  grew  tired  of  her  share  in  the 
game  at  last,  and,  holding  down  her  head 
and  shaking  it,  demanded  a  new  deal.  They 
cut  and  run.  After  getting  to  a  place  of 
comparative  security,  they  stopped,  and  hold 
ing  by  the  top  of  a  board-fence,  over  which 
they  had  clambered,  began  to  reconnoitre. 
Meanwhile  another  troop  of  children  hove 
in  sight,  and,  arming  themselves  with  brick 
bats,  began  to  approach  the  same  cow ; 
whereupon  two  of  the  others  called  out  from 
the  fence, — 


Children  —  what  are  they  good  for?     49 

"  You  Joe !  you  better  mind !  that's  our 
cow ! " 

The  plea  was  admitted  without  a  demurrer, 
and  the  cow  was  left  to  be  tormented  by  the 
legal  owners.  Hadn't  these  boys  the  law 
on  their  side  ? 

A  youth  once  lived  with  me  who  owned 
a  little  dog.  One  day  I  caught  the  dog 
worrying  what  I  supposed  to  be  a  rat,  and 
the  boy  standing  over  him  and  encouraging 
him.  It  proved  to  be  .a  toad ;  the  poor  crea 
ture  escaped  during  my  interference.  Before 
a  month  had  gone  over,  the  dog  showed 
symptoms  of  hydrophobia,  and  I  shot  him. 
Not  long  after  this  I  found  the  boy  at  a 
pump  trying  to  keep  a  tub  full,  which  ap 
peared  to  have  no  bottom.  I  inquired  what 
he  was  doing,  and  it  turned  out  that  he  was 
trying  to  drown  a  frog.  I  asked  the  reason  : 
4 


50     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

Because  a  toad  had  poisoned  the  poor  little 
dog. 

Here  was  a  process  of  ratiocination  worthy 
of  any  autocrat  that  ever  breathed.  Because 
A  suffered  soon  after  worrying  B,  therefore 
C  shall  be  pumped  to  death.  Precisely  the 
case  of  Poland. 

I  know  another  little  boy  who  once  lost 
a  favorite  dog.  About  a  week  afterward  the 
dog  reappeared,  and  the  boy  was  the  happiest 
creature  alive.  But  something  happened  a 
little  out  of  the  way,  which  caused  further 
inquiry,  when  it  turned  out  that  the  new 
dog  was  not  the  old  one,  though  astonishingly 
like.  The  only  difference  I  could  perceive 
was  a  white  spot  under  the  neck.  Well, 
what  does  our  boy  do?  receive  the  stranger 
with  thankfulness,  and  adopt  him  with  joy, 
for  his  extraordinary  resemblance  to  a  lost 
favorite  ?  No,  indeed ;  but  he  gives  him  a 


Children — ivhat  are  they  good  for  ?     51 

terrible  thumping,  and  turns  him  neck-and- 
heels  out  of  doors  on  a  cold,  rainy  night ! 
As  if  the  poor  dog  had  been  guilty  of  per 
sonating  another !  How  perfectly  of  a  piece 
with  the  behavior  of  grown  people  who  have 
cheated  themselves,  and  found  it  out.  Woe 
to  the  innocent  and  the  helpless  who  lie  in 
their  path !  or  sleep  in  their  bosom,  or  inhabit 
among  their  household  gods ! 

But  children  are  not  merely  unjust,  and 
cruel,  and  treacherous,  even  as  men  are. 
Like  men,  they  are  murderers,  mischief- 
makers,  devils,  at  times.  I  knew  two  boys, 
the  older  not  more  than  four,  who  caught  a 
hen,  and,  having  pulled  out  her  eyes  with 
crooked  pins,  they  let  her  go ;  after  which, 
on  seeing  her  stagger  and  tumble  about,  and 
perhaps  afraid  of  discovery,  they  determined 
to  cut  off  her  head.  One  was  to  hold  her, 
and  the  other  to  perform  the  operation ;  but 


52     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

for  a  long  while  they  could  not  agree  upon 
their  respective  shares  in  the  performance. 
At  last  they  hit  upon  a  precious  expedient. 
They  laid  her  upon  the  steps,  put  a  board 
over  her  body,  upon  which  one  of  the  two 
sat,  while  the  other  sawed  off  her  head 
with  a  dull  case-knife.  Parents !  Fathers ! 
Mothers !  What  child  of  four  years  of  age 
was  ever  capable  of  such  an  act,  without  a 
long  course  of  preparation  ?  for  neglect  is 
preparation.  Both  were  murderers,  and  their 
parents  were  their  teachers.  If  "  the  child 
is  father  of  the  man,"  what  is  to  become  of 
such  children  ?  If  it  be  true  that  "just  as 
the  twig  is  bent  the  tree's  inclined,"  how 
much  have  you  to  answer  for  ?  If  "  men 
are  but  children  of  a  larger  growth,"  watch 
your  children  forever,  by  day  and  by  night ! 
pray  for  them  forever,  by  night  and  by  day ! 
and  not  as  children,  but  as  Men  of  a  smaller 


Children  — what  are  they  good  for  f     53 

growth,  —  as  men  with  most  of  the  evil  pas 
sions,  and  with  all  the  evil  propensities,  that 
go  to  make  man  terrible  to  his  fellow-men, 
his  countenance  hateful,  his  approach  a  fiery 
pestilence,  and  his  early  death  a  blessing, 
even  to  his  father  and  mother! 


GOODY   GRACIOUS! 

AND   THE 

FORGET-ME-NOT 


there  was  a  little  bit  of  a  thing,  — 
not  more  than  so  high,  —  and  her  name 
was  Ruth  Page  ;  but  they  called  her  Teenty- 
Tawnty,  for  she  was  the  daintiest  little  crea 
ture  you  ever  saw,  with  the  smoothest  hair 
and  the  brightest  face  ;  and  then  she  was 
always  playing  about,  and  always  happy  : 
and  so  the  people  that  lived  in  that  part  of 
the  country,  when  they  heard  her  laughing 
and  singing  all  by  herself  at  peep  of  day, 
like  little  birds  after  a  shower,  and  saw  her 
running  about  in  the  edge  of  the  wood  after 
tulips  and  butterflies,  or  tumbling  head-over- 
(55) 


56     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

heels  in  the  long  rich  grass  by  the  river  side, 
with  her  little  pet  lamb  or  her  two  white 
pigeons  always  under  her  feet,  or  listening 
to  the  wild  bees  in  the  apple-blossoms,  with 
her  sweet  mouth  "  all  in  a  tremble,"  and  her 
happy  eyes  brimful  of  sunshine, — they  used 
to  say  that  she  was  no  child  at  all,  or  no 
child  of  earth,  but  a  Fairy-gift,  and  that  she 
must  have  been  dropped  into  her  mother's  lap, 
like  a  handful  of  flowers,  when  she  was  half 
asleep ;  and  so  they  wouldn't  call  her  Ruth 
Page,  —  no  indeed,  that  they  wouldn't!  — 
but  they  called  her  little  Teenty-Tawnty,  or 
the  little  Fairy ;  and  they  used  to  bring  her 
Fairy  Tales  to  read,  till  she  couldn't  bear  to 
read  anything  else,  and  wanted  to  be  a  Fairy 
herself. 

Well,  and  so  one  day,  when  she  was  out 
in  the  sweet-smelling  woods,  all  alone  by 
herself,  singing,  "Where  are  you  going,  my 


Goody  Gracw2is!  57 

pretty  maid,  my  pretty  maid  ?  "  and  watching 
the  gold-jackets,  and  the  blue  dragon-flies, 
and  the  sweet  pond-lilies,  and  the  bright- 
eyed  glossy  eels,  and  the  little  crimson-spotted 
fish,  as  they  "  coiled  and  swam,"  and  darted 
hither  and  thither,  like  "flashes  of  golden 
fire,"  and  then  huddled  together,  all  of  a 
sudden,  just  underneath  the  green  turf  where 
she  sat,  as  if  they  saw  something,  and  were 
half  frightened  to  death,  and  were  trying  to 
hide  in  the  shadow ;  well  and  so  —  as  she 
sat  there,  with  her  little  naked  feet  hanging 
over  and  almost  touching  the  water,  singing 
to  herself,  "My  face  is  my  fortune,  sir,  she 
said !  sir,  she  said !  "  and  looking  down  into 
a  deep  sunshiny  spot,  and  holding  the  soft 
smooth  hair  away  from  her  face  with  both 
hands,  and  trying  to  count  the  dear  little  fish 
before  they  got  over  their  fright,  all  at  once 
she  began  to  think  of  the  Water-Fairies,  and 


58     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

how  cool  and  pleasant  it  must  be  to  live  in 
these  deep  sunshiny  hollows,  with  green  turf 
all  about  you,  the  blossoming  trees  and  the 
blue  skies  overhead,  the  bright  gravel  un 
derneath  your  feet,  like  powdered  stars,  and 
thousands  of  beautiful  fish  for  playfellows ! 
all  spotted  with  gold  and  crimson,  or  winged 
with  rose-leaves,  and  striped  with  faint  purple 
and  burnished  silver,  like  the  shells  and 
flowers  of  the  deep  sea,  where  the  moon 
light  buds  and  blossoms  forever  and  ever; 
and  then  she  thought  if  she  could  only 
just  reach  over,  and  dip  one  of  her  little  fat 
rosy  feet  into  the  smooth  shining  wrater,  — 
just  once  —  only  once,  —  it  would  be  so 
pleasant !  and  she  should  be  so  happy !  and 
then,  if  she  could  but  manage  to  scare  the 
fishes  a  little  —  a  very  little  —  that  would 
be  such  glorious  fun,  too,  —  wouldn't  it,  you  ? 
Well  and  so  —  she  kept  stooping  and  stoop- 


Goody  Gracious!  59 

ing,  and  stretching  and  stretching,  and  sing 
ing  to  herself  all  the  while,  "  Sir,  she  said ! 
sir,  she  said !  I'm  going  a-milking,  sir,  she 
said ! "  till  just  as  she  was  ready  to  tumble 
in,  head  first,  something  jumped  out  of  the 
bushes  behind  her,  almost  touching  her  as 
it  passed,  and  went  plump  into  the  deepest 
part  of  the  pool !  saying,  "  Once  I  once  I " 
with  a  booming  sound,  like  the  tolling  of  a 
great  bell  under  water,  and  afar  off. 

"  Goody  gracious  !  what's  that  ?  "  screamed 
little  Ruth  Page ;  and  then,  the  very  next 
moment,  she  began  to  laugh  and  jump  and 
clap  her  hands,  to  see  what  a  scampering 
there  was  among  the  poor  silly  fish,  and  all 
for  nothing !  said  she ;  for  out  came  a  great 
good-natured  bull-frog,  with  an  eye  like  a 
bird,  and  a  big  bell-mouth,  and  a  back  all 
frosted  over  with  precious  stones,  and  drip 
ping  with  sunshine ;  and  there  he  sat  looking 


60     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

at  her  awhile,  as  if  he  wanted  to  frighten 
her  away ;  and  then  he  opened  his  great 
lubberly  mouth  at  her,  and  bellowed  out, 
"Once!  once!"  and  vanished. 

"  Luddy  tuddy !  who  cares  for  you  ?  "  said 
little  Ruth ;  and  so,  having  got  over  her  fright, 
she  began  to  creep  to  the  edge  of  the  bank 
once  more,  and  look  down  into  the  deep 
water,  to  see  what  had  become  of  the  little 
fish  that  were  so  plentiful  there,  and  so  happy 
but  a  few  minutes  before.  But  they  were  all 
gone,  and  the  water  was  as  still  as  death; 
and  while  she  sat  looking  into  it,  and  waiting 
for  them  to  come  back,  and  wondering  why 
they  should  be  so  frightened  at  nothing  but 
a  bull-frog,  which  they  must  have  seen  a 
thousand  times,  the  poor  little  simpletons ! 
and  thinking  she  should  like  to  catch  one 
of  the  smallest  and  carry  it  home  to  her  little 
baby-brother,  all  at  once  a  soft  shadow  fell 


Goody  Gracious!  61 

upon  the  water,  and  the  scented  wind  blew 
her  smooth  hair  all  into  her  eyes,  and  as  she 
put  up  both  hands  in  a  hurry  to  pull  it  away, 
she  heard  something  like  a  whisper  close  to 
her  ear,  saying,  "  Twice!  twice!"  and  just 
then  the  trailing  branch  of  a  tree  swept  over 
the  turf,  and  filled  the  whole  air  with  a  storm 
of  blossoms,  and  she  heard  the  same  low 
whisper  repeated  close  at  her  ear,  saying, 
"  Twice!  twice!"  and  then  she  happened  to 
look  down  into  the  water,  —  and  what  do 
you  think  she  saw  there? 

"Goody  gracious,  mamma!  is  that  you?" 
said  poor  little  Ruth ;  and  up  she  jumped, 
screaming  louder  than  ever,  and  looking  all 
about  her,  and  calling  "  Mamma,  mamma ! 
I  see  you,  mamma !  you  needn't  hide, 
mamma  !  "  But  no  mamma  was  to  be  found. 

"Well,  if  that  isn't  the  strangest  thing!" 
said  little  Ruth,  at  last,  after  listening  a  few 


62     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

minutes,  on  looking  all  round  everywhere, 
and  up  into  the  trees,  and  away  off  down  the 
river-path,  and  then  toward  the  house.  "If 
I  didn't  think  I  saw  my  dear  good  mamma's 
face  in  the  water,  as  plain  as  day,  and  if 
I  didn't  hear  something  whisper  in  my  ear 
and  say,  '  Twice  I  twice!'"  —  and  then  she 
stopped,  and  held  her  breath,  and  listened 
again  —  "If  I  didn't  hear  it  as  plain  as  I 
ever  heard  anything  in  my  life,  then  my 
name  isn't  Ruth  Page,  that's  all,  nor  Teenty- 
Tawnty  neither ! "  And  then  she  stopped, 
and  began  to  feel  very  unhappy  and  sorrow 
ful  ;  for  she  remembered  how  her  mother 
had  cautioned  her  never  to  go  near  the  river, 
nor  into  the  woods  alone,  and  how  she  had 
promised  her  mother  many  and  many  a  time 
never  to  do  so,  never,  never !  And  then  the 
tears  came  into  her  eyes,  and  she  began  to 
wish  herself  away  from  the  haunted  spot, 


Goody  Gracious!  63 

where  she  could  kneel  down  and  say  her 
prayers ;  and  then  she  looked  up  to  the  sky, 
and  then  down  into  the  still  water,  and  then 
she  thought  she  would  just  go  and  take  one 
more  peep  —  only  one  —  just  to  see  if  the 
dear  little  fishes  had  got  over  their  fright, 
and  then  she  would  run  home  to  her  mother, 
and  tell  her  how  forgetful  she  had  been,  and 
how  naughty,  and  ask  her  to  give  her  some 
thing  that  would  make  her  remember  her 
promises.  Poor  thing !  little  did  she  know 
how  deep  the  water  was,  nor  how  wonder 
fully  she  had  escaped !  once,  once !  twice, 
twice  !  and  still  she  ventured  a  third  time. 

Well  and  so  —  don't  you  think,  she  crept 
along  —  crept  along  —  to  the  very  edge  of  the 
green,  slippery  turf,  on  her  hands  and  knees, 
half  trembling  with  fear,  and  half  laughing 
to  think  of  that  droll-looking  fat  fellow,  with 
the  big  bell-mouth,  and  the  yellow  breeches, 


64     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

and  the  grass-green  military  jacket,  turned 
up  with  buff  and  embroidered  with  gems, 
and  the  bright  golden  eye  that  had  so  fright 
ened  her  before,  and  wondering  in  her  little 
heart  if  he  would  show  himself  again ;  and 
singing  all  the  while,  as  she  crept  nearer 
and  nearer,  "  Nobody  asked  you,  sir,  she 
said !  sir,  she  said !  nobody  asked  you,  sir, 
she  said ! "  till  at  last  she  had  got  near 
enough  to  look  over,  and  see  the  little  fishes 
there  tumbling  about  by  dozens,  and  playing 
bo-peep  among  the  flowers  that  grew  under 
neath  the  bank,  and  multiplied  by  thou 
sands  in  the  clear  water,  when,  all  at 
once,  she  felt  the  turf  giving  way,  and  she 
put  out  her  arms  and  screamed  for  her 
mother.  Goody  gracious  !  how  she  did  scream  ! 
and  then  something  answered  from  the  flow 
ing  waters  underneath,  and  from  the  flowering 
trees  overhead,  with  a  mournful  sweet  sound, 


Goody  Gracious!  65 

like  wailing  afar  off,  "  Thrice!  thrice!"  and 
the  flashing  waters  swelled  up,  saying, 
"  Thrice !  thrice !  "  and  the  flowering  branch 
of  the  tree  swept  over  the  turf,  and  the  sound 
wras  the  same,  "  Thrice!  thrice!"  and  in  she 
went  headlong,  into  the  deepest  part  of  the 
pool,  screaming  with  terror,  and  calling  on 
her  mother  to  the  last :  poor  mother ! 

Well  and  so  —  when  she  came  to  herself, 
where  do  you  think  she  was  ?  Why,  she 
was  lying  out  in  the  warm  summer  air,  on 
a  green  bank,  all  tufted  with  cowslips  and 
violets  and  clover-blossoms,  with  a  plenty  of 
strawberries  underneath  her  feet,  and  the 
bluest  water  you  ever  saw  all  round  her, 
murmuring  like  the  rose-lipped  sea-shells ; 
and  the  air  was  full  of  singing-birds,  and 
there  was  a  little  old  woman  looking  at  her, 
writh  the  funniest  cap,  and  a  withered  face 
not  bigger  than  you  may  see  when  you  look 
5 


66     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

at  the  baby  through  the  big  end  of  a  spy 
glass  :  the  cap  was  a  morning-glory,  and  it 
was  tied  underneath  the  chin  with  bleached 
cobweb,  and  the  streamers  and  bows  were 
just  like  the  colors  you  see  in  a  soap-bubble. 

"  Goody  gracious  !  where  am  I  now  ?  "  said 
little  Ruth. 

"Yes,  my  dear,  that's  my  name,"  said  the 
little  old  woman,  dropping  a  low  courtesy, 
and  then  spinning  round  two  or  three  times, 
and  squatting  down  suddenly,  so  as  to  make 
what  you  call  a  cheese. 

"Why,  you  don't  mean  to  say  that's  your 
real  name,"  whispered  little  Ruth. 

"  To  be  sure  it  is  !  just  as  much  as  —  and 
pray,  my  little  creature,  what's  your  name  ?" 

"  Mine !  oh  my  name  is  Ruth  Page,  only 
Ruth  Page,"  and  up  she  jumped,  and  spun 
round  among  the  strawberries  and  flowers, 
and  tried  to  make  a  courtesy  like  the  little 


Goody  Gracious!  67 

old  woman,  and  then  they  both  burst  out 
a-laughing  together. 

"Well,"  said  Goody  Gracious,  "you're  a 
nice,  good-natured,  funny  little  thing,  I'll  say 
that  for  you,  as  ever  I  happened  to  meet 
with;  but  haven't  you  another  and  a  prettier 
name,  hey  ?  " 

"Why,  sometimes  they  call  me  Little 
Teenty-Tawnty,"  said  Ruth. 

"  Fiddle-de-dee,  I  don't  like  that  name  any 
better  than  the  other :  we  must  give  you  a 
new  name,"  said  the  little  old  woman ;  "  but 
first  tell  me"  —  and  she  grew  very  serious, 
and  her  little  sharp  eyes  changed  color  — 
"first  tell  me  how  you  happened  to  be  here, 
in  the  very  heart  of  Fairy-land,  with  nobody 
to  take  care  of  you,  and  not  so  much  as  a 
wasp  or  a  bumble-bee  to  watch  over  you 
when  you  are  asleep." 

"Indeed,  and  indeed,  ma'am,  I  don't  know," 


68     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

said  little  Ruth ;  "  all  I  do  know  is,  that  I 
have  been  very  naughty,  and  that  I  am 
drowned,  and  that  I  shall  never  see  my  poor 
dear  mamma  any  more  ! "  And  then  she  up 
and  told  the  whole  story  to  the  little  old 
woman,  crying  bitterly  all  the  while. 

"  Don't  take  on  so,  my  little  dear,  don't, 
don't !  "  said  Goody  Gracious ;  and  out  she 
whipped  what  appeared  to  Ruth  nothing  but 
a  rumpled  leaf  of  the  tiger-lily,  and  wiped 
her  eyes  with  it.  "  Be  a  good  child,  and, 
after  a  trial  of  three  days  in  Fairy-land,  if 
you  want  to  go  back  to  your  mother  you 
shall  go,  and  you  may  carry  with  you  a 
token  to  her  that  you  have  told  the  truth." 

"Oh,  bless  your  little  dear  old-fashioned 
face,"  cried  Ruth  ;  "oh,  bless  you,  bless  you  ! 
only  give  me  a  token  that  will  make  me 
always  remember  what  I  have  promised  my 
poor  dear  mother,  and  I  shall  be  so  happy, 
and  I  won't  ask  for  anything  else." 


Goody  Gracious!  69 

"  What,  neither  for  humming-birds,  nor 
gold-fish,  nor  butterflies,  nor  diamonds,  nor 
pearls,  nor  anything  you  have  been  wishing 
for  so  long,  ever  since  you  were  able  to  read 
about  Fairy-land  ?  " 

"  No,  ma'am ;  just  give  me  a  ring  of  wheat- 
straw,  or  a  brooch  from  the  ruby-beetle,  if 
you  like,  and  I  shall  be  satisfied." 

"  Be  it  so ;  but,  before  I  change  you  to  a 
fairy,  you  must  make  choice  of  what  you 
want  to  see  in  Fairy-land  for  three  days  run 
ning  ;  for,  at  the  end  of  that  time,  I  shall 
change  you  back  again,  so  that  if  you  are 
of  the  same  mind  then,  you  may  go  back 
to  your  mother,  and,  if  not,  you  will  stay 
with  us  forever  and  ever." 

"Forever  and  ever?"  said  Ruth,  and  she 
trembled ;  "  please  ma'am,  I  should  like  to 
go  now,  if  it's  all  the  same  to  you." 

"  No  !  but  take  this   flower ; "  and,   as   she 


70     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

spoke,  she  stooped  down,  and  pulled  up  a 
forget-me-not  by  the  roots,  and  breathed  upon 
it,  and  it  blossomed  all  over.  "Take  this 
root,"  said  she,  "  and  plant  it  somewhere,  and 
tend  it  well,  and  at  any  time  after  three  days, 
if  you  get  tired  of  being  here,  all  you  have 
to  do  will  be  just  to  pull  it  up  out  of  the 
earth,  and  wish  yourself  at  home,  and  you 
will  find  yourself  there  in  a  moment,  in  your 
own  little  bed." 

"  Goody  gracious  !  you  don't   say  so  I " 

"But  I  do  say  so." 

"  I  declare,  I've  a  good  mind  to  try !  " 

"  What,  pull  it  up  before  you  have  planted 
it  ?  No,  no,  my  dear.  It  must  be  left  out 
threescore  and  twelve  hours,  and  be  watered 
with  the  dews  and  the  starlight  of  the  South 
Sea,  where  you  are  now,  thousands  and 
thousands  of  miles  from  your  own  dear 
country ;  but  there  is  one  thing  I  would  have 
you  know  before  you  plant  the  flower." 


Goody  Gracious!  71 

"If  you  please,  ma'am,"  said  little  Ruth. 

"It  is  given  to  you,  my  dear,  to  help  you 
correct  your  faults;  you  mean  to  do  right, 
and  you  try  pretty  hard,  but  you  are  so  for 
getful,  you  say." 

"Yes,  ma'am." 

"Well,  now,  but  remember — just  so  long 
as  you  tend  this  plant  with  care,  and  water 
it  every  day  at  the  same  hour,  —  every  day, 
mind  you,  and  at  the  same  hour,  —  you  will 
be  growing  better." 

Ruth  was  overjoyed. 

"  But,"  continued  the  fairy,  "  if  you  neglect 
it  for  a  single  day,  it  will  begin  to  droop 
and  wither,  the  leaves  will  change,  and  some 
of  the  blossoms  will  drop  off,  and  your  mother 
will  begin  to  feel  unhappy  and  low-spirited." 

"  Oh,  yes ;  but  I  never  shall,  ma'am  — 
never,  never!" 

"  Don't  be  too  sure ;   and  if  you  neglect  it 


72     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

for  two  whole  days  running,  all  the  flowers 
will  drop  off  but  one,  and  your  mother  will 
take  to  her  bed,  and  nobody  but  you  will 
know  what  ails  her." 

Poor  Ruth  began  to  tremble,  and  the  tears 
came  in  her  eyes. 

"  But,"  continued  the  fairy,  "  but  if  you 
should  neglect  it  for  three  days  running,  my 
poor  child  —  but  for  three  days  running  — 
the  last  flower  will  drop  off,  and  your  mother 
will  die  of  a  broken  heart." 

"Oh,  mercy,  mercy  !  "  cried  poor  little  Ruth. 
"Oh,  take  it!  take  it!  I  wouldn't  have  it  for 
the  world !  "  and  she  flung  it  down  upon  the 
loose  earth,  and  shook  her  little  fingers,  just 
as  if  something  had  stung  her. 

"  It  is  too  late  now.  See,  my  dear,  it  has 
already  taken  root,  and  now  there  is  no  help 
for  it.  Remember !  your  mother's  health, 
happiness  and  life  depend  upon  that  flower. 


Goody  Gracious!  73 

Watch  it  well !  And  now,  daughter  of 
earth,"  and,  as  she  spoke,  she  stooped,  and 
pulled  up  a  whole  handful  of  violets,  drip 
ping  with  summer  rain,  and  repeating  the 
words,  "  Daughter  of  earth,  away !  Rose 
bud,  appear ! "  shook  the  moisture  all  over 
her;  and  instantly  the  dear  child  found  her 
self  afloat  in  the  air,  with  pinions  of  purple 
gauze,  bedropped  with  gold,  with  millions 
of  little  fairies  all  about  her,  swarming  like 
butterflies  and  blossoms  after  a  pleasant  rain, 
and  welcoming  their  sister  Rosebud  to  Fairy 
land. 

"Well,"  thought  Rosebud,  —  we  must  call 
her  Rosebud  now,  —  "well,  if  this  being  a 
little  fairy  isn't  one  of  the  pleasantest  things  !  " 
and  then  she  recollected  that  she  had  only 
three  days  to  stay  there  and  see  the  sights, 
and  she  looked  round  her  to  ask  if  there  was 
anybody  near  to  help  her,  and  take  charge 


74     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

of  her,  and  tell  her  what  to  do,  and  where 
to  go. 

"  Daughter,"  said  a  sweet  voice  that  she 
knew,  though  it  appeared  to  come  out,  and 
steal  up  from  the  leaves  of  another  morning- 
glory,  —  "  Daughter  !  " 

"Mother,"  said  Rosebud. 

"You  may  have  your  choice  to-day  of 
these  three  things,  —  a  butterfly-hunt,  a  wed 
ding,  or  a  play." 

"  Oh,  a  wedding,  a  wedding !  "  said  Rose 
bud.  "Oh,  I  have  always  wanted  to  see  a 
wedding ! " 

"Be  it  so,"  said  the  voice;  and  instantly 
a  sweet  wind  arose,  and  lifted  her  up,  and 
swept  her,  and  thousands  more  like  her,  over 
the  blue  deep,  so  swiftly  that  nothing  could 
be  seen  but  a  mist  of  sparkles  here  and 
there,  till  they  all  found  themselves  on  the 
seashore,  at  the  mouth  of  a  deep  sparry  cave, 


Goody  Gracious  I 


all  hung  about  with  the  richest  moss,  and 
lighted  with  pearls  in  clusters,  and  with  little 
patches  of  glowworms,  and  carpeted  with 
the  wings  of  butterflies.  In  the  midst  were 
a  multitude  of  little  fairies,  hovering  and 
floating  over  a  throne  of  spider-net  ivory, 
on  which  lay  the  bride,  with  a  veil  of  star 
light,  interwoven  with  the  breath  of  roses, 
covering  her  from  head  to  foot,  and  falling 
over  the  couch,  like  sunshine  playing  on 
clear  water. 

By  and  by  a  faint,  strange  murmuring  was 
heard  afar  off,  like  the  ringing  of  lily-bells 
to  the  touch  of  the  honey-bees,  growing 
louder  and  louder,  and  coming  nearer  and 
nearer  every  moment.  Rosebud  turned  to 
ward  the  sea  with  all  the  other  fairies,  and 
held  her  breath  ;  and  after  a  few  moments,  a 
fleet  of  little  ships,  with  the  most  delicate 
purple  and  azure  sails,  so  thin  that  you  could 


76     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

see  the  sky  through  them,  came  tilting  along 
over  the  sea,  as  if  they  were  alive,  —  and  so 
they  were,  —  and  drew  up,  as  if  in  order  of 
battle,  just  before  the  mouth  of  the  cave ; 
and  then  a  silver  trumpet  sounded  on  the 
shore,  and  a  swarm  of  hornets  appeared, 
whizzing  and  whirring  all  about  the  cave ; 
and  then  there  was  another  trumpet,  and 
another,  about  as  loud  as  you  may  hear  from 
a  caged  blue-bottle,  and  compliments  were 
interchanged,  and  a  salute  fired,  which  fright 
ened  the  little  lady-fairies  into  all  sorts  of 
shapes,  and  made  the  little  fairy-bride  jump 
up  and  ask  if  her  time  had  come,  though, 
to  tell  you  the  truth,  the  noise  did  not  appear 
much  more  terrible  to  Rosebud  than  her  little 
brother's  pop-gun ;  and  then,  a  sort  of  barge, 
not  unlike  the  blossom  of  a  sweet  pea  in 
shape,  was  manned  from  the  largest  of  the 
fleet,  and,  when  it  touched  the  bright  spark- 


Goody  Gracious!  77 


ling  sand,  out  leaped  a  little  prince  of  a 
fellow,  with  a  bunch  of  white  feathers  in  his 
hat,  plucked  from  the  moth-miller,  a  sword 
like  the  finest  cambric  needle  belted  about 
his  waist,  and  the  most  unimpeachable  small 
clothes. 

This  turned  out  to  be  the  bridegroom ;  and 
after  a  few  more  flourishes,  and  not  a  little 
pulling  and  hauling  among  the  bridesmaids, 
the  bride  and  the  bridegroom  stood  up  to 
gether,  and  looked  silly  and  sheepish,  as  if 
butter  wouldn't  melt  in  their  mouths ;  and 
after  listening  awhile  to  an  old  droning- 
beetle,  without  hearing  a  word  he  said,  they 
bowed  and  courtesied,  and  made  some  sort  of 
a  reply,  nobody  could  guess  what;  and  then 
forth  stepped  the  master  of  ceremonies,  a 
priggish-looking  grasshopper,  with  straw- 
colored  tights,  and  a  fashionable  coat,  single- 
breasted,  and  so  quakerish,  it  set  poor  little 


78     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

Rosebud  a-laughing,  in  spite  of  all  she  could 
do,  every  time  she  looked  at  his  legs ;  and 
then!  out  flew  the  ten  thousand  trumpeting 
bumble-bees,  and  the  katydid  grew  noisier 
than  ever,  and  the  cricket  chirruped  for  joy, 
and  the  bridegroom  touched  the  bride's  cheek, 
and  pointed  slyly  toward  a  little  heap  of 
newly-gathered  roses  and  violets,  piled  up 
afar  off,  in  a  shadowy  part  of  the  cave,  just 
underneath  a  trailing  canopy  of  changeable 
moss ;  the  bride  blushed,  and  the  fairies  tit 
tered,  and  little  Rosebud  turned  away,  and 
wished  herself  at  home, and  instantly  the  bride 
and  the  bridegroom  vanished !  and  the  ships 
and  the  fairies  !  and  the  lights  and  the  music ! 
and  Rosebud  found  herself  standing  face  to 
face  with  the  little  withered  old  woman,  who 
was  looking  mournfully  at  the  drooping  forget- 
me-not.  The  tears  came  into  her  eyes ;  and 
for  the  first  time  since  the  flower  took  root 


Goody  Gracious!  79 

—  for  the  very  first  time  —  she  began  to 
think  of  her  mother,  and  of  her  promise 
to  the  fairy ;  and  she  stooped  down,  in  an 
agony  of  terror,  and  shame,  and  self-reproach, 
to  see  how  it  fared  with  her  forget-me-not. 
Alas !  it  had  already  begun  to  droop  and 
wither ;  and  the  leaves  were  changing  color, 
and  the  blossoms  were  dropping  off,  and 
she  knew  that  her  mother  was  beginning  to 
suffer. 

"  Oh  that  I  had  never  seen  the  hateful 
flower ! "  cried  Rosebud ;  and  then  instantly 
recollecting  herself,  she  dropped  upon  her 
knees,  and  kissed  it,  and  wept  upon  it,  and 
the  flower  seemed  refreshed  by  her  tears ; 
and  when  she  stood  up  and  looked  into  the 
face  of  the  good  little  fairy,  and  saw  her 
lips  tremble,  and  the  color  change  in  her 
sweet  mournful  eyes,  she  felt  as  if  she  never 
should  be  happy  again. 


8o     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

"  Daughter  of  earth  !  child  of  the  air  !  "  said 
the  fairy,  "two  more  days  remain  to  thee. 
What  wouldst  thou  have  ?  " 

"  Oh  nothing !  nothing !  Let  me  but  go 
back  to  my  dear,  dear  mother,  and  I  shall 
be  so  happy  !  " 

"That  cannot  be.  These  trials  are  to  pre 
pare  thee  for  thy  return  to  her.  Be  patient, 
and  take  thy  choice  of  these  three  things,  — 
a  tournament,  a  coronation,  or  a  ball ! " 

"  Goody  gracious !  how  I  should  like  to 
see  a  coronation  ! "  cried  Rosebud ;  and  then 
she  recollected  herself,  and  blushed  and  court- 
esied,  and  said,  "  If  you  please,  ma'am." 

"  Call  me  mother,  my  dear ;  in  Fairy-land 
I  am  your  mother." 

"Well,  mother,"  said  Rosebud,  the  tears 
starting  into  her  eyes  and  her  heart  swelling, 
as  she  determined  never  to  call  her  mamma, 
no,  never!  "Well,  mother,  if  you  please,  I 


Goody  Gracious!  81 

would  rather  stay  here  and  watch  the  flower ; 
I  don't  want  to  see  anything  more  in  Fairy 
land  ;  I've  had  enough  of  such  things  to  last 
me  as  long  as  I  live.  But  oh,  if  I  should 
happen  to  fall  asleep !  " 

"  If  you  should,  my  dear,  you  will  wake 
in  season ;  but  take  your  choice." 

"Thank  you,  mother,  but  I  choose  to  stay 
here." 

At  these  words  the  fairy  vanished,  and 
Rosebud  was  left  alone,  looking  at  the  dear 
little  flower,  which  seemed  to  grow  fresher 
and  fresher,  and  more  and  more  beautiful 
every  minute,  and  wondering  whether  it 
would  be  so  with  her  dear  mamma ;  and 
then  she  fell  a-thinking  about  her  home, 
and  how  much  trouble  she  had  given  her 
mother,  and  how  much  better  she  would 
always  be,  after  she  had  got  back  to  her 
once  more;  and  then  she  fell  asleep,  and 
6 


82     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

slept  so  soundly  that  she  did  not  wake  till 
the  sun  was  up,  and  it  was  time  to  water 
the  flower. 

At  first  she  was  terribly  frightened;  but 
when  she  remembered  what  the  fairy  told 
her,  she  began  to  feel  comfortable,  and,  lest 
something  might  happen,  she  took  a  little 
sea-shell  that  lay  there,  and  running  down  to 
the  water,  dipped  it  up  full,  and  was  on  her 
way  back,  thinking  how  happy  her  poor  dear 
mamma  would  feel  if  she  could  only  know 
what  it  was  and  -who  it  was  that  made  her 
so  much  better,  when  she  heard  the  strangest 
and  sweetest  noises  all  about  her  in  the  air, 
as  if  the  whole  sky  were  full  of  the  happiest 
and  merriest  creatures  !  and  when  she  looked 
up,  lo  !  there  was  a  broad  glitter  to  be  seen, 
as  if  the  whole  population  of  Fairy-land  were 
passing  right  over  her  head,  making  a  sort 
of  path  like  that  you  see  at  sunrise  along 


Goody  Gracious!  83 

the  blue  deep,  when  the  waters  are  motion 
less,  and  smooth,  and  clear. 

"Well,"  said  she,  looking  up,  "  I  do  wonder 
where  they  are  going  so  fast "  —  and  then 
she  stopped  — "  and  I  do  think  they  might 
be  civil  enough  just  to  let  a  body  know ;  I 
dare  say  'tis  the  coronation,  or  the  butterfly 
hunt,  or  the  tournament,  or  the — oh,  how  I 
should  like  to  be  there  ! " 

No  sooner  was  the  wish  uttered,  than  she 
found  herself  seated  in  a  high  gallery,  as 
delicately  carved  as  the  ivory  fans  of  the 
East;  with  diamonds  and  ostrich-feathers  all 
about  and  below  her,  and  a  prodigious 
crowd  assembled  in  the  open  air,  —  with  the 
lists  open  —  a  trumpet  sounding  —  and  scores 
of  knights  armed  cap-a-pie,  and  mounted  .on 
dragon-flies,  waiting  for  the  charge.  All  eyes 
were  upon  her,  and  everybody  about  was 
whispering  her  name,  and  she  never  felt  half 


84     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

so  happy  in  her  life;  and  she  was  just  be 
ginning  to  compare  the  delicate  embroidery 
of  her  wings  with  that  of  her  next  neighbor, 
a  sweet  little  Fairy,  who  sat  looking  through 
her  fingers  at  a  youthful  champion  below, 
and  pouting,  and  pouting,  as  if  she  wanted 
everybody  to  know  that  he  had  jilted  her, 
when  she  happened  to  see  a  little  forget-me- 
not  embroidered  on  his  beaver;  and  she  in 
stantly  recollected  her  promise,  and  cried 
out,  "  Oh,  mamma  !  mamma  I "  and  wished 
herself  back  again,  where  she  might  sit  by 
the  flower  and  watch  over  it,  and  never  leave 
it,  never !  till  her  three  days  of  trial  were 
ended. 

In  a  moment,  before  she  could  speak  a 
word,  or  even  make  a  bow  to  the  nice  little 
boy-fairy,  who  had  just  handed  her  up  her 
glove  on  the  point  of  a  lance  like  a  sun 
beam,  she  found  herself  seated  by  the  flower. 


Goody  Gracious!  85 

Poor  little  thing !  It  was  too  late !  Every 
blossom  had  fallen  off  but  one,  and  that 
looked  unhealthy,  and  trembled  when  she 
breathed  upon  it.  She  thought  of  her 
mamma,  and  fancied  she  could  see  them 
carrying  her  up  to  bed,  and  all  the  doctors 
there,  and  nobody  able  to  tell  what  ailed 
her;  and  she  threw  herself  all  along  upon 
the  grass,  and  wished  all  the  fairies  at  the 
bottom  of  the  Red  Sea,  and  herself  with 
them !  And  when  she  looked  up,  what  do 
you  think  she  saw  ?  and  where  do  you  think 
she  was?  why,  she  was  at  the  bottom  of  the 
Red  Sea,  and  all  the  wonders  of  the  Red 
Sea  were  about  her,  —  chariots  and  chariot- 
wheels  and  the  skeletons  of  war-horses,  and 
mounted  warriors,  with  heaps  of  glittering 
armor,  and  jewels  of  silver,  and  jewels  of 
gold,  and  banner,  and  shield,  and  spear,  with 
millions  and  millions  of  little  sea-fairies,  and 


86     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

Robin  Goodfellows,  and  giants  and  dwarfs, 
and  the  funniest  looking  monsters  you  ever 
did  see ;  and  the  waters  were  all  bright  with 
fairy-lamps  that  were  alive,  and  with  ribbons 
that  were  alive,  and  with  changeable  flowers 
that  swam  about  and  whispered  to  each  other 
in  a  language  of  their  own ;  and  there  were 
great  heaps  of  pearl  washed  up  into  drifts 
and  ridges,  and  a  pile  of  the  strangest- 
looking  old-fashioned  furniture,  of  gold  and 
ivory,  and  little  mermaids  with  their  dolls 
not  longer  than  your  finger,  with  live  fishes 
for  tails,  jumping  about  and  playing  hide- 
and-seek  with  the  sun-spots  and  star-fishes, 
and  the  striped  water-snakes  of  the  Indian 
seas  —  the  most  brilliant  and  beautiful  of  all 
the  creatures  that  live  there. 

And  while  she  was  looking  about  her,  and 
wondering  at  all  she  saw,  she  happened  to 
think  once  more  of  the  forget-me-not,  and 


Goody  Gracious!  87 

to  wish  herself  back  again !  At  that  instant 
she  heard  a  great  heavy  bell  booming  and 
tolling  —  she  knew  it  was  tolling  —  and  she 
knew  she  was  too  late  —  and  she  knew  that 
her  mother  was  dead  of  a  broken  heart,  — 
and  she  fell  upon  her  face,  and  stretched 
forth  her  hands  with  a  shriek,  and  prayed 
God  to  forgive  her !  and  allow  her  to  see 
her  mother  once  more  —  only  once  more  ! 

"Why,  what  ails  the  child?"  whispered 
somebody  that  seemed  to  be  stooping  over 
her. 

It  was  her  mother's  voice !  and  poor  Ruth 
was  afraid  to  look  up,  lest  it  should  all  vanish 
forever. 

"  Upon  my  word,  Sarah,"  said  another 
voice,  — it  was  her  father's  ;  "upon  my  word, 
Sarah,  I  do  not  know ;  but  the  poor  little 
creature's  thoughts  appear  to  have  undergone 
another  change.  I  have  heard  nothing  to-day 


88     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

of  the  forget-me-not  which  troubled  her  so 
the  first  week,  have  you  ?  " 

"She  has  mentioned  it  but  once  to-day, 
and  then  she  shuddered;  but  perhaps  we 
had  better  keep  it  in  the  glass  till  we  see 
whether  it  will  bear  to  be  transplanted,  for 
she  seems  to  have  set  her  little  heart  upon 
having  that  flower  live  ;  I  wish  I  knew  why  ! " 

"Do  you,  indeed,  mamma?"  whispered 
poor  Ruth,  still  without  looking  up ;  "  well, 
then,  I  will  tell  you.  That  flower  was  given 
me  by  a  fairy  to  make  me  remember  my 
promises  to  you,  my  poor,  dear,  dead  mamma ; 
and  so  long  as  I  water  that,  every  day  at  the 
same  hour,  so  long  I  shall  be  growing  better 
and  better,  and  my  poor  dear  mamma  — 
boo-hoo  !  boo-hoo  ! "  and  the  little  thing  began 
to  cry  as  if  she  would  break  her  heart. 

"Why,  this  is  stranger  than  all,"  said  the 
father.  "  I  can't  help  thinking  the  poor  child 


Goody  Gracious!  89 

would  be  rational  enough  now,  if  she  hadn't 
read  so  many  Fairy-books ;  but  what  a  mercy 
it  was,  my  dear  Sarah,  and  how  shall  we 
ever  be  thankful  enough,  that  you  happened 
to  be  down  there  when  she  fell  into  the 
water." 

"Ah!"  Ruth  Page  began  to  hold  her 
breath,  and  listen  with  the  strangest  feeling. 

"Yes,  Robert;  but  I  declare  to  you  I  am 
frightened  whenever  I  think  of  the  risk  I 
ran  by  letting  her  fall  in,  head  first,  as  I  did." 

Poor  Ruth  began  lifting  her  head  by  little 
and  little,  and  to  feel  about,  and  pinch  her 
self,  to  see  if  she  was  really  awake,  or  only 
dreaming. 

"  And  then,  too,  just  think  of  this  terrible 
fever,  and  the  strange,  wild  poetry  she  has 
been  talking,  day  after  day,  about  Fairy 
land." 

"Poetry!     Fudge,  Robert,  fudge!" 


90     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

Ruth  looked  up,  full  of  amazement  and 
joy,  and  whispered,  "  Fudge,  father,  fudge  !" 
and  the  very  next  words  that  fell  from  her 
trembling  lips  as  she  sat  looking  at  her 
mother,  and  pointing  at  a  little  bunch  of 
forget-me-nots  in  full  flower,  that  her  mother 
had  kept  for  her  in  a  glass  by  the  window, 
were  these :  "Oh,  mother !  dearest  mother ! 
what  a  terrible  dream  I  have  had  ! " 

"Hush,  my  love,  hush!  and  go  to  sleep, 
and  we  will  talk  this  matter  over  when  you 
are  able  to  bear  it." 

"  Goody  gracious,   mamma  !  " 

"  There  she  goes  again  !  "  cried  the  father ; 
"  now  we  shall  have  another  fit ! " 

"Hush,  hush,  my  love!  you  must  go  to 
sleep,  now,  and  not  talk  any  more." 

"Well,  kiss  me,  mamma,  and  let  me  have 
your  hand  to  go  to  sleep  with,  and  I'll  try." 

Her   mother  kissed  the    dear   little   thing, 


Goody  Gracious!  91 

and  took  her  hand  in  hers,  and  laid  her 
cheek  upon  the  pillow,  and,  in  less  than  five 
minutes,  she  was  sound  asleep,  and  breathing 
as  she  hadn't  breathed  before,  since  she  had 
been  fished  out  of  the  water,  nearly  three 
weeks  back,  on  her  way  to  Fairy-land. 


CONTENTS 

OF 

PICKINGS    AND    STEALINGS. 


Children's  notions  of  theology,  i,  2,  13,  14,  22,  48,  70.  72, 

132,  134,  166,  168,  178,  265,  283. 
Children's  notions  of  the  Bible,  2,  39,  41,  148,  149,   163, 

174,  228. 
Children's  notions  of  heaven,  4,  19,  88,  101,  119,  145,  215, 

224,  230,  238,  239,  265,  284. 
Lessons  for  teachers,  2,  4,  5,  31,  43,  47,  66. 
Children's  notions  of  praying,  6,  n,  37,  42,  98,  118,  155, 

161,  163,  166,  187,  254,  288. 
Their  notions  of  language,  7,  10,  15,  21,  120,  121,  153,  194, 

251. 
Their  honesty,  2,  8,  12,  17,  78,  115,  119,  122,  125,  137,  195, 

H3>  257,  271,  274. 
Their  ideas  of  another  world,  25,  30,  38,  127,  144,  193,  242, 

270. 
Their  instincts,  16,  18,  27,  28,  31,  44,  69,  76,  80,  90,  108,  118, 

141,  144,  167,  181,  263. 
Their  philosophy,  2),  163,  165,  183,  203. 
Their  politics,  23,  214,  254. 
Their  Sunday-school  exercises,  22,  26,  31,  43,  47,  66,  142, 

156,  164,  165,  187,  195,  205,  241,  266,  277,  280,  282. 
Their  imitation,  28,  85,  105,  146,  176,  181,  192,  204,  212,  219, 

222,  232,    240. 

Their  selfishness,  29,  40,  79,  87,  116,  150,  151,  243,  267. 

Their  quibbles,  33,  67,  So,  231,  245,  286. 

Their  misapprehension  of  words,  2,  35,  112,  120,  121,  160, 

223,  252,  264,  276,  282. 

(93) 


94  Contents. 


Their  puzzling  questions,  24,  72,  160,  178,  253,  268. 

Their  cunning,  33,  45,  46,  51,  73,  79,  82,  92,  106,  224,  228, 

130,  134,  139,  158,  163,  169,  172,  202,  206,  259,  260,  273, 

279,  286. 

Their  unselfishness,  49,  50. 
Their  foresight,  52,  90,  102,  188,  208. 
Their  self-complacency,  54,  71,  77. 
Their  metaphysics,   I,  72.  74.  96,  162,  170,  261. 
Their  explanations,  84,  95,  123,  130,  156,  183,  196,  246,  262, 

282. 

Their  adroitness,  85,  89,  99,  103,  105,  122,  124,  125,  147,  152. 
Their  speculations,  90,  100,  109,  140,  180,  210,  275. 
Their  business  qualities,  91. 
Their  naturalness,  93,  no,  114,  180,  iSr,  189,  201,  218,  220, 

263,  272,  274,  291. 
Their  faith,  98,  177,  287. 
Their  influence,  115,  285 

Their  misapplication  of  words,  I,  48.  148,  162,  225. 
Retribution,  128. 
Example.  129,  267,  268. 
A  great  mystery,  133,  217. 
An  etymologist,  136. 

Their  literalness,  184,  229,  235,  256.  268,  269,  277,  278,  279. 
Their  definitions,  156,  184,  257,  261,  262. 
Their  protestantism,  189,  190. 
Their  smartness,  197.     See   Cunning,  201,  240,  250,  264, 

269,  289. 

Their  constructiveness,  198. 
Yankee  notions,  I,  199. 
Their  pluckiness,  216,  237,  247,  255. 
Total  depravity,  227. 
Where  mother  is,  230,  287. 
Their  poetry,  230,  234,  270. 
Liberty  of  Speech,  259,  260. 


PICKINGS    AND    STEALINGS. 

npROUBLESOME  comforts  are  they  at 
-*-  best,  these  Little  Plagues  ;  and  yet,  how 
on  earth  should  we  get  along  without  them? 
Mysterious  and  wonderful  in  their  perturba 
tions  and  irregularities,  they  are  continually 
amazing  the  wisest  by  their  questionings,  and 
startling  whole  neighborhoods  with  their 
strange  outbreaks  of  inner  life,  as  you  may 
see  by  what  follows.  For  a  long  while  — 
many  years,  indeed — I  have  been  in  the 
habit  of  minuting  down  the  stories  that  have 
come  in  my  way  about  the  little  folks  — 
the  seedling  cherubim  —  out  of  which,  as  the 
stars  are  smelted,  the  angels  of  God,  who 
see  His  face  forever,  are  to  be  recast  and 
(95) 


96     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

refashioned  for  the  skies.  Grains  of  gold 
are  they,  often  gathered  from  street  sweep 
ings  and  rubbish ;  diamond-sparks  which 
the  great  multitude,  in  their  headlong  hurry, 
overlook,  but  infinitely  precious  to  the  Phil 
anthropist  and  the  Philosopher.  For  ex 
ample  :  — 

No.  i.  And  this  I  had  from  the  late  John 
Pierpont,  who  related  it  of  a  grandchild, 
yet  living,  I  hope. 

"Aunt  May-ee,"  said  the  little  thing  to 
her  aunt,  who  was  combing  her  hair,  "I 
don't  like  Dod." 

"Don't  like  God,  Sissy!  when  He's  so 
good  to  you,  and  gives  you  Aunt  Mary  and 
grandpa,  and  grandma,  and  ever  so  many 
friends  to  take  care  of  you,  —  why,  Sissy?" 

"  Well,  but "  —  growing  thoughtful  and  try 
ing  to  escape  —  "well,  but  Sissy  don't  like 
black  Dod." 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  97 

w  There  isn't  any  black  God,  Sissy." 

"  Then  ivho  made  Chloef " 

Did  not  that  child  reason? 

No.  2.  "'Top,  mother!"  said  a  little  boy 
to  his  mother,  who  was  reading  to  him  about 
Abraham  and  Isaac,  and  had  just  come  to 
the  uplifted  knife;  "'top,  mother!  I  don't 
want  to  hea  any  more.  /  despise  him"  Did 
not  that  child  feel?  and  is  it  conceivable 
that  he  meant  what  he  said?  Feeling  his 
gorge  rise,  with  abhorrence,  it  may  be,  and  not 
understanding  the  awful  significance  of  the 
threatened  sacrifice,  a  type  of  what  after 
wards  happened  on  Mount  Moriah,  where 
the  Temple  stands,  he  took  that  word  which, 
in  his  little  childish  experience,  best  corres 
ponded  with  his  thought  of  horror  and 
amazement  that  a  father  should  put  his 
child  to  death. 

No.  3.     And  this   reminds   me   of  a   little 
7 


98     Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

girl,  who  had  never  learned  to  read,  but 
used  to  take  her  Bible  and  sit  down  by 
herself  in  the  corner,  as  all  children  do  at 
times,  and  make  believe  read.  One  day, 
when  the  mother  was  very  busy,  the  child 
wanted  to  hear  about  Noah  and  the  Ark. 
The  mother  had  read  over  certain  passages 
aloud  so  often,  that  the  child  had  got  them 
by  heart.  She  opened  at  the  place,  and 
gave  her  little  one  the  book  in  her  lap. 
After  awhile,  the  child  began  to  murmur  to 
herself — the  mother  listened  —  and  the  little 
thing  read  as  follows,  with  the  greatest  pos 
sible  seriousness  and  unction :  "  And  the 
Lord  said  unto  Noah,  Come  out,  thou  and 
thy  wife,  and  thy  sons'  wives  and  thy  daugh 
ters,  and  —  balanccz!" 

The  dear  little  puss  had  just  begun  to 
go  to  the  dancing-school.  What  wonder 
that  she  didn't  always  know  her  head  from 
her  heels? 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  99 

No.  4.  Another  little  girl,  who  had  been 
favored  with  glimpses  of  the  upper  sky, 
having  been  told  by  her  mother  that  she 
was  always  surrounded  by  guardian  angels, 
grew  very  thoughtful,  and,  after  drawing  a 
long  breath,  looked  up  and  said,  "  Mamma, 
do  you  mean  really  that  all  the  -whole  time 
they  are  with  me  ?  "  On  receiving  a  solemn 
assurance  in  the  affirmative,  she  exclaimed 
with  an  impatient  fling,  "Well,  really,  I 
should  like  to  be  alone  a  little  while,  some 
times." 

What  a  lesson  for  the  mother  !  If  children 
are  allowed  to  dabble  with  mysteries  like 
these,  without  explanation,  they  cannot  be 
otherwise  than  shocking  sometimes,  like  a 
Leyden  jar ;  and  if  they  are,  whose  fault  is 
it?  Either  more  or  less  ought  to  have  been 
told  that  dear  little,  honest  baby. 

No.  5.     But  children  have  wonderful  fore- 


ioo    Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

sight,  and  often  reach  conclusions  by  a  sort 
of  intuitive  logic,  as  women  do  —  flashing 
the  truth  upon  us  without  preparation,  and 
forecasting  the  future,  as  if  suddenly  gifted 
with  second  sight.  A  little  boy,  having  been 
told  by  his  parents  that  he  couldn't  go  to 
church  because  he  was  too  small,  answered 
with  a  toss  of  the  head,  "Well,  you'd  better 
take  me  now,  for  when  I  get  bigger,  I  may 
not  want  to  go  ! "  To  which  I  say,  Bravo  ! 
my  little  man  !  Such  a  reply  ought  to  throw 
the  doors  of  any  church  wide  open  to  you, 
as  to  a  glorified  spirit  —  in  embryo. 

No.  6.  A  little  girl  knelt  down  by  her 
mother's  knee  to  say  her  prayers,  before  going 
to  bed.  After  finishing  the  Lord's  Prayer, 
she  went  on  to  offer  up  her  little  petitions 
for  every  separate  member  of  the  family,  arid 
at  last  came  to  the  youngest,  who,  having 
been  rather  naughty  that  day,  was  out  of 


Pickings  and  Stealing;*-  ^iOi: 

favor :  "  And  please  God  make  Lucy  a  good 
little  girl,  and  make "  here  she  was  sud 
denly  interrupted  by  Lucy,  who  burst  out 
with  — "  Here  you  !  stop  that !  I'll  do  my 
own  praying  myself,  I  thank  you  ! " 

Who  would  not  sympathize  with  such  a 
child,  under  such  circumstances,  even  though 
both  were  at  an  infant  prayer-meeting?  And 
who  is  there  who  would  not  shrink  from 
being  prayed  for  to  his  face  anywhere,  after 
such  a  fashion  ? 

No.  7.  Their  notions  of  language,  too, 
are  sometimes  of  the  drollest,  as  where  the 
poor  boy  used  that  unfortunate  word  despise, 
when  he  meant  only  to  express  horror  and 
astonishment.  "  How  did  you  fall  —  back 
ward?"  said  a  mother  to  a  child  who  was 
just  coming  to  herself  and  gasping  for  breath, 
after  a  heavy  fall.  " Back-ward ',  mamma! 
no  indeed  —  I  fell  accidentally'' 


IO2,  Great  Masteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  8.  A  dear  little  boy,  anything  but 
pious,  though  happy  and  cheerful,  and  about 
as  good  as  most  boys  of  his  age,  had  been 
listening  patiently  for  a  long  while  to  his 
mother's  account  of  heaven  —  likening  it  to 
a  great  everlasting  Sabbath-school.  At  last 
he  looked  up,  with  a  troubled  countenance, 
and  said  in  a  whisper,  "But  mamma,  don't 
you  think  God  would  let  me  have  a  little 
devil  come  up  and  play  with  me  sometimes, 
when  I  have  been  very  good  ?  " 

No.  9.  Another  little  fellow,  on  his  way 
home  from  his  church  with  his  mother, 
seemed  astonished  at  the  crowds  he  saw. 
After  walking  awhile  without  speaking,  he 
came  out  with,  "Why  mamma,  I  should  think 
God  would  be  tired  making  so  many  people." 
Here  was  an  embryo  theologian  for  you ! 
And  yet  he  had  probably  never  heard  of 
the  Scripture,  where  it  is  said  that  God  re- 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  103 

•pented  of  His  making  man.  Nor  was  he 
quite  prepared  to  understand  why  such  crowds 
were  ever  made,  nor  what  they  were  good 
for,  seeing  how  they  behaved,  and  how  they 
were  employed,  and  how  they  dressed,  and 
how  they  chattered.  If  Babels  were  scat* 
tered  of  yore,  why  not  now  —  if  they  try  to 
scale  the  heavens  by  a  forbidden  path,  or  to 
carry  their  bulwarks  by  assault,  as  most  of 
the  nations  do? 

No.  10.  A  little  girl  who  had  learned 
her  letters  and  all  her  lessons  by  the  help 
of  a  pictured  primer,  but  had  never  learned 
to  put  them  together,  opened  her  book  one 
day  at  the  picture  of  a  quail,  with  its  name 
underneath,  in  large  letters.  After  studying 
a  long  while,  she  seemed  to  catch  the  idea, 
and  called  it  a  -pigeon  —  a  word  she  could 
not  pronounce,  though  she  knew  the  bird  well 
enough,  and  out  she  came  with  "Q^U.  A.  I.  L. 

9 


104  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

— fidget  "  —  with  such  an  air  of  triumph  and 
self-complacency,  it  was  never  forgotten. 

No.  11.  Children's  prayers  —  if  they  are 
indeed  prayers  —  must  be  acceptable  on  earth 
as  well  as  in  heaven ;  and  he  must  indeed  be 
heartless,  or  worse,  who  would  think  slight 
ingly  of  them,  although,  sooth  to  say,  they 
are  sometimes  hard  to  bear.  For  example : 
a  little  girl,  on  having  her  hair  smartly  pulled 
by  her  little  brother,  while  saying  her  prayers, 
went  on  for  awhile,  without  turning  her  head, 
in  the  same  low  monotone,  "and  please  God, 
excuse  me  for  a  minute,  while  I  kick  Neddy." 
Tell  me  that  child  was  without  understanding 
what  is  meant  by  prayer !  or  that  she  meant 
to  abuse  the  privilege.  No  such  thing  — 
though,  to  be  sure,  she  may  have  misunder 
stood  some  of  its  functions.  Had  she  not 
been  a  believer,  she  would  have  kicked 
Neddy  at  once,  without  asking  leave  —  would 
she  not  ? 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  105 

No.  12.  But  children  must  not  be  allowed 
to  counterfeit  or  pretend.  Encourage  them 
to  be  honest,  even  in  prayer  —  honest  even 
at  church.  A  fine,  hearty  little  fellow,  who 
had  been  treated  with  his  first  circus  on 
Saturday,  and  to  his  first  church-service  the 
next  Sabbath-morning,  sat  quietly  enough, 
as  everybody  acknowledged,  for  the  first 
half  hour :  and  then  he  began  to  grow  un 
easy,  and  fidget  in  his  seat,  until  he  was 
admonished  by  his  mother  more  than  once. 
Worn  to  death  at  last,  he  groaned  out  loud 
enough  to  be  heard  in  the  neighboring  pews, 
w  O  dear !  I'd  rather  go  to  two  circuses  than 
one  meeting  !  "  Of  course  he  told  the  truth  ; 
and  of  course  he  ought  to  have  been  patted 
on  the  back,  and  encouraged  for  his  down 
right  honesty. 

No.  13.  Quart  pots  don't  hold  a  gallon  — 
though  pint  bottles  are  sometimes  said  to  hold 


io6  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

a  quart  in  certain  establishments ;  and  we 
must  be  wary  of  packing  and  crowding  these 
earthen  vessels,  before  they  are  hooped  and 
strengthened.  A  small  boy,  not  otherwise  re 
markable,  though  mischievous,  adroit  and 
playful,  had  been  talked  to,  till  he  was  out 
of  all  patience  with  a  clergyman,  about  the 
omnipresence  of  God.  It  was  pretty  clear, 
from  what  followed,  that  he  had  begun  to  be 
somewhat  sceptical,  and  he  determined  to  lay 
a  trap  for  his  teacher.  One  day,  when  they 
were  riding  together,  the  following  conver 
sation  was  had :  — 

"  Didn't  you  tell  me,  sir,"  said  our  young 
master,  "  that  God  is  everywhere  ?  " 

"Yes,  my  child." 

"  Is  he  in  this  carriage  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"Is  he  in  my  hat?" 

«Yes  — yes." 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  107 

"  Is  he  in  my  pocket  ?  " 

"Yes,  child"  —  rather  impatiently. 

"  Hurrah  !  now  I've  got  you  !  I  ain't  got 
no  pocket !  "  was  the  clincher. 

What  a  lesson  for  that  clergyman  !  If,  as 
Goethe  says,  Hamlet  was  an  oak  planted  in 
a  china  vase,  intended  for  a  rose-tree,  so  that 
when  the  plant  grew,  the  pot  was  shattered, 
what  was  likely  to  happen  to  that  child,  if 
the  omnipresence  of  God  had  been  suffered  to 
take  root  in  his  young,  unprepared  heart? 

No.  14.  Another  child,  afflicted  with  sim 
ilar  misgivings,  took  a  different  course  to 
satisfy  his  inward  longings.  After  propound 
ing  every  conceivable  question  at  the  break 
fast-table  one  day,  he  clenched  the  whole 
with,  "Is  God  in  this  sugar-bowl?"  "Cer 
tainly,"  said  his  mother.  Whereupon,  with 
a  whoop,  he  clapped  his  hand  on  the  bowl, 
and  shouted,  "Ah,  ha!  now  I've  got  }7ou, 
old  fellow !  " 


io8  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

So  much  for  misunderstanding  the  most 
obvious  truth,  namely,  that,  although  men 
are  but  children  of  a  larger  growth,  children 
are  not  often  philosophers,  theologians,  or 
giants  —  Mozart  to  the  contrary  notwithstand 
ing  ;  and  that,  in  training  them  for  another 
world,  they  are  to  be  uplifted,  not  overborne, 
with  mystery. 

No.  15.  Another  little  chap  of  three  years 
only,  met  his  father  on  •  his  return  from  a 
long  journey,  exclaiming,  "  O  papa,  I've  got 
a  tory  of  interet  to  tell  you.  Dis  mornin* 
mamma  was  writin'  in  the  parlor,  an'  a  gate, 
big,  yeller  fly  corned  in  at  the  open  window, 
an'  it  kep  say  in'  sizzum,  sizzum,  sizzum^ 
three  times,  an'  it  bced  my  hand  with  its 
foot,  and  its  foot  was  hot !  " 

Had  not  this  child  pretty  decided  notions 
of  what  is  meant  by  the  song  of  a  "bumble 
bee,"  and  the  sting?  Let  him  alone  for  that. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  109 

No.  1 6.  The  same  boy,  having  thrown 
something  valuable  into  the  fire,  was  taken 
to  task  by  his  father,  who,  after  remonstrating 
with  him  awhile  on  the  enormity  of  his  trans 
gression,  wound  up  with,  "Why,  my  dear 
child,  if  you  go  on  in  this  way,  just  think 
what  a  dreadful  boy  you  will  be,  when  you 
grow  up !  "  At  this,  the  little  fellow's  face 
brightened  all  over,  and  he  exclaimed,  "  Why 
papa !  I  shall  be  yest  like  ee  yobber  kitten, 
sant  I  ?  "  —  alluding  to  the  autobiography  of 
a  very  disreputable  fast  kitten,  who,  or  rather 
which ,  had  taken  to  the  highway  at  an  early 
age,  and  is  therefore  a  special  favorite  with 
children  of  all  ages  —  like  most  of  Mayne 
Reid's  heroes,  or  Jonathan  Wild,  or  Jack 
Sheppard. 

No.  17.  And  this  reminds  me  of  a  similar 
case,  where  well-meant  instruction  was  pain 
fully  misunderstood  by  a  promising  little  fel- 


no  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

low,  who  was  very  fond  of  Bible-stories 
with  illustrations.  His  mother  was  showing 
him  a  picture  of  Daniel  in  the  lion's  den, 
with  the  old  lions  ramping  and  tearing  their 
prey  to  tatters,  and  a  young  lion  —  a  cub  — 
looking  on.  Just  when  she  had  begun  to 
congratulate  herself  on  the  success  of  her 
teaching,  the  child  cried  out,  "  O  mamma ! 
look !  look !  the  little  one  won't  get  any !  " 

N.  B. — Beware  of  cramming  and  overload 
ing.  Beware  also  of  expecting  too  much  in 
this  world.  But,  above,  all,  beware  of  mis 
understanding  yourself  in  your  children  ! 

No.  18.  Yet  more.  A  little  girl  having 
been  brought  up  on  the  song  "  I  want  to  be 
an  angel ! "  had  evidently  been  pondering 
the  manners,  habits,  occupations  and  usages 
of  that  fraternity,  until  at  length  she  came 
out  decidedly  with,  "No  mamma  —  I  don't 
want  to  be  an  angel !  " 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  in 

"  Not  want  to  be  an  angel !  Why,  Susie  !  " 
exclaimed  the  mother,  greatly  shocked  at  the 
child's  hopeless  condition ;  "  and  why  not, 
pray?" 

"  'Cause,  mamma,  I  don't  want  to  lose  all 
my  pretty  close,  an'  wear  fedders,  like  a 
hen ! " 

There's  truthfulness  for  you  —  worth  its 
weight  in  gold — a  string  of  "  Orient  pearls 
at  random  strung." 

No.  19.  Another  little  fairy,  having  been 
carefully  trained  to  a  proper  estimate  of  the 
becoming  in  attire,  was  taken  into  a  room 
to  see  her  dead  grandmother  in  her  coffin. 
She  looked  very  grave  at  first,  and  then  sor 
rowful,  and  after  a  minute  or  two  said,  in  a 
low,  sweet,  trembling  voice,  with  her  little 
hand  stealing  slowly  into  her  mother's  hand, 
"  Has  grandmamma  gone  to  heaven  in  that 
ugly  cap,  mamma?" 


H2  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  20.  .  Little  mischiefs,  at  the  best,  I 
have  said — are  they  not?  Just  read  the  fol 
lowing,  and  say  no,  if  you  dare  !  A  young 
ster  in  Peoria,  Illinois,  while  ransacking  his 
sister's  portfolio,  came  across  a  package  of 
love-letters  carefully  tied  up  with  a  blue  rib 
bon,  and  stowed  snugly  away ;  being  her 
correspondence  with  a  charming  fellow,  not, 
perhaps,  to  the  liking  of  papa  and  mamma. 
These  he  took  to  the  corner  of  a  crowded 
thoroughfare,  and,  as  he  had  seen  the  post 
man  do,  distributed  them  to  the  passers-by. 
His  poor  sister  heard  of  the  achievement  after 
they  were  in  general  circulation ;  and  then  I 
— ask  our  friend  Carlyle,  after  shooting  Ni 
agara  ;  or  Wendell  Phillips  —  after  Grant. 
See  No.  53. 

No.  21.  I  have  just  met  with  this:  "A 
little  lady  of  thirty  months  only,  insists  on 
calling  a  cane  with  a  crooked  handle,  'An 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  113 

umbrella  without  any  clothes  on."3  There's  a 
philologist  for  you !  And  one,  too,  capable 
of  giving  a  reason  for  what  she  says. 

No.  22.  A  little  boy  in  Scotland  was 
asked  by  his  Sabbath-school  teacher  what 
was  meant  by  regeneration.  (f  Being  born 
again,"  he  replied.  "And  would  you  not  like 
to  be  born  again,  my  little  man  ? "  said  the 
teacher.  "No!"  answered  the  boy,  with  de 
cided  emphasis,  greatly  to  the  surprise  of  the 
good  dominie.  "And  why  not?"  continued 
the  latter.  "  For  fear  I  might  be  born  a  las 
sie,"  said  the  boy.  Was  there  ever  a  better 
reason,  with  the  poor  boy's  understanding  of 
the  great  mystery?  So  much  for  dabbling 
with  metaphysics  before  the  unprepared. 

No.  23.     And  sometimes  they  have  to   do 

with  politics  and  other  worldly  matters,  —  the 

social    evil,    perhaps,    or   woman's-rights,    or 

universal  suffrage.   And  why  not?  being  what 

S 


114  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

they  are,  miniature  men  and  women,  with  the 
rights  of  both. 

"Be  you  a  Democat  or  a  Republican?  "  said 
one  of  these  President-makers  in  embryo,  to 
another  little  Fellow  in  a  frilled  apron.  "  No, 
I'm  not  either,"  was  the  indignant  reply ;  "  I 
belong  to  the  Congregational  Church."  Of 
course  he  did ;  having  been  baptized  into  that 
denomination,  when  just  old  enough  to  be 
deeply  impressed  with  the  ceremony. 

No.  24.  A  little  girl  of  six  years  at  the 
most,  after  her  nurse  had  enlarged  upon  the 
character  and  attributes  of  the  Old  Evil  One, 
till  her  blood  ran  cold,  broke  out  with, 
"Auntie,  if  the  devil  is  so  wicked,  why  don't 
God  kill  him?"  A  question,  by  the  way, 
which  has  "  puzzled  philosophers  of  all  sects 
and  ages,"  like  the  "cosmogony  of  the  world," 
according  to  Oliver  Goldsmith,  and  his  de 
lightful  friend,  Ephraim  Jenkinson. 


Pickings  and  Stealings .  115 

No.  25.  Little  Maud,  five  years  old,  was 
sitting  on  the  floor,  and  trying  to  stitch  like 
her  mother.  Suddenly  looking  up,  after  a 
long  silence,  she  said,  like  one  familiar  with 
the  gossip  of  the  tea-table  and  the  quilting- 
frame,  "  Mamma,  I  was  thinking  God  must  be 
getting  quite  along  in  years  !  "  Of  course,  the 
poor  little  thing  had  never  been  so  far  indoc 
trinated,  as  to  understand  that,  with  God,  a 
thousand  years  are  as  one  day,  or  a  watch  in 
the  night,  and  one  day  as  a  thousand  years, 
with  no  past,  and  no  future,  but  one  everlast 
ing  present. 

No.  26.  Another  little  woman,  being  asked 
by  her  Sunday-school  teacher,  "  What  did  the 
Israelites  do  after  passing  through  the  Red 
Sea?"  answered,  "I  don't  know,  ma'am,  but  I 
guess  they  dried  themselves."  And  why  not, 
pray?  What  would  be  more  likely? 

No.  27.     And  here  we  have  one  exceed- 


n6    Great  Mysteries,  and  Little  Plagues. 

ingly  jealous  for  the  Lord.  A  little  boy,  who, 
whenever  he  went  out  to  play,  was  plagued 
and  pestered  by  a  little  girl  somewhat  older 
—  who  squinted  awfully,  and  was,  it  must  be 
acknowledged,  absolutely  frightful  —  on  being 
asked  why  he  was  always  so  ugly  to  Susie 
Bates,  since  God  made  Susie  Bates  as  well  as 
him,  exclaimed,  "  O,  Nurse  Thompson,  ain't 
you  ashamed  to  talk  in  that  way  about  the 
good  Lord?" 

Will  you  tell  me  that  child  did  not  reason? 
or  that,  as  a  child,  he  was  irreverent,  because 
he  would  not  charge  God  foolishly,  nor  hold 
the  Great  Workman  answerable  for  such 
workmanship  ? 

No.  28.  And  this  brings  to  mind  the  fol 
lowing  incident :  Some  years  ago  my  own 
little  boy  went,  with  his  brother  Robert,  on  a 
trip  to  the  Islands.  After  awhile,  he  was 
caught  making  the  most  horrible  faces  at 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  117 

another  little  boy,  somewhat  older,  who  sat  in 
the  stern  of  the  boat  a  long  way  off,  but  front 
ing  them.  Brother  Robert  interfered,  and 
asked  what  possessed  my  little  fellow — a  good- 
natured,  pleasant  boy,  as  ever  lived.  "  Why, 
don't  you  see  ?  He's  making  faces  at  me  all 
the  time,"  said  Pepper-pot.  Upon  further  in 
quiry,  it  turned  out  that  the  strange  boy  was 
epileptic,  or  troubled  with  St.  Vitus'  dance,  and 
all  the  faces  he  had  been  making  were  invol 
untary.  Of  course,  it  never  entered  the  head 
of  our  little  one  that  the  faces  he  saw  were 
God's  work,  or  he  would  have  lowered  his 
voice  to  a  whisper,  as  he  always  did  in  the 
Sabbath-school,  when  he  asked  about  God. 

No.  29.  That  children  are  curious,  and 
inquisitive,  and  rather  troublesome  at  times, 
we  all  know.  But,  if  it  were  otherwise,  how 
would  they  ever  learn  their  a  b  abs  in  this 
world?  In  a  Western  village,  a  charming  lit- 


n8   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

tie  widow  had  been  made  love  to  by  a  physi 
cian.  "The  wedding-day  appointed  was  —  the 
wedding-clothes  provided."  But  among  her 
children  was  a  poor  crippled  boy,  who  had 
been  allowed  full  swing  ever  since  the  death 
of  his  father.  "  Georgie,"  said  the  mother, 
calling  him  to  her,  "Georgie,  I  am  going  to 
do  something  pretty  soon  that  I  should  like  to 
have  a  little  talk  with  you  about."  "Well,  ma, 
what  is  it?  "  "I  am  going  to  marry  Dr.  Jones 

in  a  few  days,  and  I   hope "    "Bully  for 

you,  ma  !  Does  Dr.  Jones  know  it  f  "  Who 
that  wears  a  cap  would  not  sympathize  with 
that  poor  widow? 

No.  30.  But  children  are  soothsayers  and 
prophets ;  and  they  have  open  visions,  it  may 
be,  if  we  would  but  listen  to  their  low  breath 
ing.  "Father,"  said  a  little  Swedish  girl,  one 
still,  starry  night,  after  a  long  silence,  "  father, 
I  have  been  thinking  if  the  wrong  side  of 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  119 

heaven  is  so  beautiful,  what  must  the  right 
side  be?"  Was  not  this  a  revelation?  and 
such  a  revelation,  too,  that  even  her  father 
must  have  been  astonished?  Was  it  not  as  if 
her  whole  character  had  been  revealed  to  him, 
on  her  way  upward,  as  by  a  flash  from  the 
empyrean  ? 

No.  31.  But  we  must  be  patient  with  all 
anxious  inquirers.  In  a  small  Western  vil 
lage,  there  was  a  store  kept  by  a  nice  young 
woman,  who  was  a  teacher  in  the  Sabbath- 
school,  and  deeply  interested  in  all  that  con 
cerned  that  institution. 

"Do  you  go  to  the  Sabbath-school? "  said 
she,  one  day,  to  a  dirty  little  chap,  who  came 
blundering  through  the  establishment,  as  if  he 
had  taken  it  for  the  play-ground. 

"  Sabbath-school !  what's  that?  "  said  he. 

"Don't  you  know?  Why,  a  Sabbath-school 
is  where  we  read  in  the  Bible,  and  learn  all 


I2O  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

about  God,  and  our  blessed  Saviour,  and 
the " 

"O,"  said  he,  "I've  read  about  God,  and 
father  feller  that  killed  his  brother ',  in  the 
School  Reader.  Tain't  no  use  my  goin'  to 
school  Sunday ;  I  know  all  about  'em." 
Whereupon  the  young  lady  teacher  "  dried  up  " 
—  wilted,  perhaps  —  and  set  her  trap  for 
another  young  reprobate. 

No.  32.  "A  little  three-year-old,"  says  a 
neighbor,  "was  in  the  habit  of  helping  him 
self  to  crackers  without  leave,  by  lifting  the 
lid  of  a  tin  box,  and  plunging  his  little  arm  in 
up  to  the  elbow.  One  day,  after  listening  to 
stories  about  rats,  he  went  after  a  cracker,  and 
hearing  a  noise  that  he  fancied  was  made  by 
rats,  he  scampered  back  to  the  sitting-room, 
with  big  eyes  and  a  flushed  face,  and  assured 
his  mother  that  he  wasn't  afraid.  'O,  muzzer  !' 
said  he,  '  I  ain't  afaid  o'  iuats,  but  Fse  so  tired 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  121 

I  couldn't  lift  the  cover!'"  How  many  grown 
people  have  you  heard  guilty  of  a  similar  sub 
terfuge.  Not  afraid,  to  be  sure  —  not  they  — 
but  only  somewhat  hurried,  or  having  just 
remembered  an  engagement,  as  they  were 
about  lifting  the  lid  of  something  dangerous. 

No.  33.  And  here  is  a  case  of  downright 
special  pleading,  worthy  of  Lord  Coke  him 
self,  or  Saunders,  or  Theophilus  Parsons,  or 
Chitty,  or  Judge  Gould.  "Oh,  Tommy,  that 
was  abominable  in  you,  to  eat  your  little  sis 
ter's  share  of  the  cake  !"  "Didn't  you  tell  me, 
ma,  that  I  was  always  to  take  her  -part?" 
said  Tommy. 

No.  34.  "  George,"  said  a  minister  to  one 
of  the  little  boys,  who  looked  as  if  butter 
wouldn't  melt  in  his  mouth,  "  where  is  your 
sister  Minnie  ? "  "  Gone  to  heaven,  sir." 
"What!— is  she  dead?"  "  O,  no,  sir;  she 
went  to  buy  a  box  of  matches.''  "Why,  you 


122   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

said  she  had  gone  to  heaven."  "Yes,  sir  —  but 
you  said  last  Sunday  that  matches  were  made 
in  heaven,  and  so  I  thought  she  went  there." 

N.  B.  —  I  don't  believe  a  word  of  this ;  but 
if  true,  all  I  have  to  say  is,  that,  like  the 
princes  in  the  tower,  it  is  well  that  such 
children  are  not  often  allowed  to  grow  up. 
"  Whom  the  gods  love  die  young,"  said  the 
ancients ;  but  I  say,  Whom  the  gods  love  die 
of  old  age  —  unless  they  have  been  snuffed 
out  for  their  untimely  brilliancy. 

No.  35.  "Father,  I  don't  like  the  bishop." 
"  Why,  dear?  "  "  Because  he  sprinkled  water 
all  over  my  new  frock,  and  said  ' 'Fanny,  I 
despise  theel'" 

No.  36.  A  little  girl  of  seven  years,  who 
had  been  brought  up  to  go  to  meeting,  and 
knew  nothing  about  a  church,  high  or  low, 
was  taken  by  a  friend  to  the  Episcopal  church 
on  communion  day.  Returning  home,  she 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  123 

was  asked  by  her  father  how  she  liked  the 
'service.  "Well,  papa,"  she  answered,  "I 
must  say  that  I  don't  like  to  go  to  a  place 
where  the  minister  has  to  change  his  shirt 
three  times  in  meeting"  Ritualistic,  High- 
Church  ceremonies,  the  young  lady  was  not 
quite  prepared  for. 

No.  37.  A  certain  little  Sissy,  being  wor 
ried  by  a  big  brother  till  she  was  out  of  all 
patience,  plumped  down  upon  her  knees, 
where  she  stood,  and  cried  out,  "  O  Lord ! 
bless  my  brother  Tom.  He  lies — he  steals — 
he  swears ;  all  boys  do  —  we  girls  don't. 
Amen  !  "  Was  the  poor  thing  a  little  pharisee 
in  her  indignation,  without  knowing  it?  or 
was  she  only  —  like  most  of  us  who  are  loud 
est  in  our  outcries  for  the  salvation  of  others — 
a  little  overburdened  with  self-righteousness  ? 

No.  38.  Small  boy  on  tip-toe  to  his  play 
fellows. —  "Now  you  hush  there,  all  of  you." 


124  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

w  Why,  what's  the  matter,  Bobby?  "  "Well— 
we've  got  a  new  baby.  It's  very  weak  and 
tired,  and  walked  all  the  way  from  heaven  last 
night ;  and  you  mustn't  be  kicking  up  a  row 
here  now." 

No.  39.  Little  Tommy. — "I  say,  ma,  is 
it  true  that  we  are  made  out  of  the  dust?" 

Ma.  —  "Yes,  Tommy;  so  we  are  told." 

Tommy.  —  "  I'll  be  hanged  if  I  can  believe 
it ;  'cause  you  see,  if  we  was,  when  we  sweat, 
wouldn't  we  be  muddy  ?  " 

That  boy  was  a  Transcendentalist,  and  no 
mistake. 

No.  40.  Natural  affection  betraying  it 
self.  —  A  man  of  influence  and  character  was 
dying  slowly  of  consumption.  Being  satis 
fied  that  his  days  were  numbered  —  his  very 
breathings  counted  —  he  used  to  call  his  little 
son  to  the  bed-side,  the  pet  of  the  household, 
and  say  to  him,  whenever  he  wanted  any  little 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  125 

thing  done,  that  by  and  by,  after  he  was  dead 
and  buried,  the  horse  and  carriage,  and  money 
box,  would  all  be  little  Sammy's.  At  last  the 
father  died,  and  the  little  fellow,  then  about 
five  years  of  age, — with  his  grandfather  and 
mother,  were  about  leaving  the  graveyard,  — 
snatched  the  reins  from  his  grandfather,  and 
sung  out,  "  Get  uf,  old  hoss!  Touts  mine 
now,  carriage,  money-box  and  all!  "  Had  he 
been  a  few  years  older,  he  would  have  kept 
the  secret  to  himself,  and  peradventure  looked 
sorrowful  over  the  untimely  inheritance. 

No.  41.  Little  Frank  had  been  told  to 
believe  that  we  are  all  made  of  dust.  One 
day,  as  he  stood  watching  at  the  window, 
while  a  strong  wind  was  whirling  the  dust  into 
eddies,  and  hurrying  it  away  into  holes  and 
corners,  and  there  piling  it  up  with  the  dried 
leaves,  his  mother  asked  him  what  he  was 
thinking  of.  "  O,"  said  he,  with  uncommon 


126  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

seriousness  for  so  young  a  philosopher,  " I 
thought  the  dust  looked  as  though  there  was 
going  to  be  another  little  boy." 

No.  42.  A  very  little  chap,  who  would  no 
more  have  thought  of  going  to  bed  without 
saying  his  prayers,  than  of  going  to  bed  with 
out  his  supper,  while  the  goodies  were  in  sight, 
had  just  bidden  everybody  good-night,  with  a 
warm,  loving  kiss.  That  very  day  his  mother 
had  been  teaching  him  the  lines,  "  You'd 
scarce  expect  one  of  my  age,"  and  so  he 
began  his  little  prayer  in  the  following  fashion  : 
"Now  I  lay  me  down  to  sleep,  I  pray  the 
Lord  my  soul  to  keep ;  if  I  should  chance  to 
fall  below  Demosthenes  or  Cicero,  don't  view 
me  with  a  cricket's  eye,  but " 

"Hush,  hush  !  "  said  his  mother;  "O  hush, 
my  boy  !  that's  no  part  of  the  prayer." 

"Yes  it  is  too,  mamma  —  don't  view  me 
with  a  cricket's  eye,"  etc.,  etc. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  127 

Didn't  that  mother  laugh  a  little  to  herself, 
think  you?  I'll  bet  she  did. 

No.  43.  A  teacher  in  one  of  our  Sabbath- 
schools,  who  had  quite  a  reputation  for  accom 
modating  his  lesson  to  the  understanding  of 
children,  said  to  a  little  bit  of  a  thing,  one 
day,  with  whom  she  had  been  laboring  for  a 
long  while,  "If  a  naughty  girl  should  strike 
you,  my  dear,  you  would  forgive  her,  wouldn't 
you?"  "Yeth,  marm  —  if  I  couldn't  catch 
her,"  was  the  reply  —  only  to  be  matched  by 
the  dying  Highlander,  who  called  out  to  a 
neighboring  chief,  whom  he  had  just  been 
reconciled  to,  "But  mark  ye,  lairdee  —  mind 
now  —  if  I  get  abroad  agen,  all  this  goes  for 
naethin'." 

No.  44.  Another  little  chap,  just  verging 
upon  three,  but  of  a  thoughtful,  prying  dis 
position  far  beyond  his  years,  sat  watching 
his  mother  while  she  was  making  biscuit  for 


128  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

tea  —  though  her  husband  was  an  Orthodox 
clergyman  of  Pittsfield,  Mass.  —  and  asked 
her  if  it  was  not  wicked  to  work  on  Sunday. 
"Certainly,"  said  she.  "O  my!"  said  he, 
clapping  his  little  hands,  "  won't  'oo  catch  it, 
when  'oo  gets  to  heaven  !  " 

No.  45.  And  then,  too,  how  knowing  the 
little  wretches  are  sometimes.  A  young  gen 
tleman  of  about  five  summers  was  travelling 
in  a  crowded  stage-coach,  and  had  been 
taken  into  the  lap  of  a  passenger.  On  the 
way,  some  stories  were  told  about  pickpockets 
and  their  adroitness,  and  the  conversation  at 
last  became  general.  "Ah,  my  fine  fellow," 
said  the  gentleman  who  had  the  little  one 
upon  his  knee,  "how  easy  I  could  pick  your 
pocket" — as  it  lay  gaping  near  his  hand.  "No 
you  couldn't,  neither,"  said  the  boy,  "'cause 
I've  been  looking  out  for  you  all  the  way." 

No.  46.     And     how    wise     beyond     their 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  129 

years,  and  how  full  of  resource  in  danger, 
sometimes.  As  three  children,  Peter  Mit 
chell,  Louis  Leach,  and  Ann  I.  Lindsay, 
aged  eight,  five  and  four  —  I  give  their  names, 
that  they  be  remembered,  and  the  facts 
verified  —  were  playing  about  the  premises 
of  Mr.  Horace  Balcomb,  in  the  town  of 
Sudbury,  Mass.,  Leach  tumbled  into  a  hogs 
head  of  rain-water  set  in  the  earth,  five  feet 
deep.  As  soon  as  he  fell  in,  the  boy  Mitchell 
ran  away  to  find  his  mother,  who  lived  a 
long  way  off;  but  the  little  girl  —  only  four, 
you  will  remember  —  managed  to  get  hold 
of  the  drowning  boy  by  the  shoulders,  and 
keep  his  head  above  the  water,  till  the 
neighbors  came  to  her  help,  and  pulled  him 
out  in  safety. 

No.  47.     In    a    Boston     Sunday-school  — 
where,  of  course,  impertinent,  puzzling  ques 
tions  are  never  allowed  —  the  teacher  asked, 
9 


130  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

"Where  was  Jesus  taken ,  when  he  was  ar 
rested  in  the  garden?"  A  bright  little  thing 
answered  immediately,  "To  the  station-house." 
Whereupon  the  teacher  observed  that  there 
were  no  station-houses  at  that  time ;  and  the 
poor  child  instantly  corrected  herself  by  say 
ing,  "  I  meant  the  State's  Prison."  Teachers, 
beware ! 

No.  48.  A  naughty  little  boy,  being  told 
by  his  mother  that  God  would  not  forgive 
him,  if  he  did  something,  answered,  "Yes 
He  would  too  —  God  likes  to  forgive  little 
boys  —  that's  what  He's  for."  Of  course  that 
boy  was  a  Universalist  from  the  shell,  and 
had  about  as  clear  a  notion  of  what  God  was 
for,  as  many  a  profound  theologian,  or  meta 
physician. 

No.  49.     But    we    have   Grace    Darlings,   * 
Florence  Nightingales,  and  many  other  self- 
denying,    self-sacrificing    heroines    in    minia- 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  131 

ture.  We  have  only  to  look  about  us,  and 
have  our  ears  open,  and  see,  and  hear,  and 
remember  for  ourselves,  that  female  wonders 
are  of  all  ages  and  every  age,  and  that  God 
never  measures  them  by  feet  or  inches,  nor 
counts  their  years,  nor  weighs  them  in  any 
other  than  the  scales  with  which  He  weighed 
the  earth  itself,  at  the  beginning. 

A  long  train  of  cars,  fourteen  or  fifteen 
at  least,  were  hurrying  through  the  Allegha- 
nies.  They  were  crowded  with  passengers. 
As  they  went  headlong  down  the  inclined 
plane,  they  came  to  a  short,  narrow  curve, 
hewed  through  the  living  rock,  with  a  high, 
steep  wall  on  each  side.  Suddenly  a  steam- 
whistle  was  heard  through  the  gorge,  scream 
ing,  Put  on  the  brakes  !  put  on  the  brakes  ! 
Every  window  flew  up,  and  scores  of  heads 
were  thrust  out,  and  all  the  passengers  sprang 
to  their  feet,  while  the  cars  went  thundering 


132  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

on,  with  a  continually  increasing  speed.  As 
the  engine  approached  the  curve,  the  engineer 
had  caught  a  glimpse  of  a  little  girl  playing 
on  the  track  with  her  baby-brother.  One 
moment !  and  the  cars  would  be  tearing  over 
them.  The  scream  of  the  whistle  startled 
the  little  girl,  and  her  marvellous  readiness 
and  self-possession,  like  a  flash.  Seizing  her 
baby-brother,  she  crowded  him  into  a  crevice 
made  by  blasting,  and  just  about  large  enough 
to  admit  the  little  fellow ;  and  the  next  mo 
ment,  while  the  passengers  were  holding  their 
breath,  and  expecting  to  see  the  poor  girl 
crushed  against  the  steep  wall,  they  heard  a 
clear,  sweet,  childish  voice,  like  one  crying 
in  the  wilderness,  "  Cling  close  to  the  rock, 
Johnny  !  cling  close  to  the  rock  ! "  and  saw 
the  baby  cuddling  up  close  to  the  rough  wall, 
as  to  the  bosom  of  its  mother,  while  the  pon 
derous  cars  whirled  past  him  like  a  tornado. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  133 

Careless  for  herself,  or  at  the  worst,  not  think 
ing  at  all  of  herself,  the  poor  little  bare 
footed  sister  stood  for  a  moment  like  her 
brother's  guardian-angel,  between  the  living 
and  the  dead. 

No.  50.  But  just  read  the  following,  which 
is  undoubtedly  true  —  true  in  every  particular. 
Three  children  belonging  to  New  Brunswick 
got  lost  in  the  woods.  It  was  a  dreary,  wild 
region ;  a  dark  storm  was  brewing ;  it  was 
near  nightfall.  The  eldest,  only  six,  having 
satisfied  herself  that  there  was  no  hope 
of  their  being  found,  nor  of  their  finding 
their  way  out  before  the  next  day,  put  the 
little  ones  into  a  sheltered  nook,  stripped  off 
most  of  her  own  clothes  to  wrap  them  in,  and 
went  away  in  search  of  dry  sea-weed  and 
brush,  to  cover  them  with.  The  next  day 
the  little  ones  were  found  all  warm  and 
breathing,  with  the  sea-grass  and  brush 


134  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

heaped  up  about  them,  and  the  dear  little 
six-year-old  mother  lying  dead  and  stiff  on 
the  shore,  alongside  of  the  last  pile  of  brush 
she  had  gathered,  but  wanted  the  strength 
to  carry  off. 

No.  51.  Three  little  girls  were  playing 
among  the  poppies  and  sage-brush  of  the 
back-yard.  Two  of  them  were  making  be 
lieve  keep  house,  a  little  way  apart,  as  near 
neighbors  might.  At  last  one  of  them  was 
overheard  saying  to  the  youngest  of  the  lot, 
"  There  now,  Nellie,  you  go  over  to  Sarah's 
house  and  stop  there  a  little  while,  and  talk 
as  fast  as  ever  you  can,  and  then  you  come 
back  and  tell  me  what  she  says  about  me, 
and  then  I'll  talk  about  her;  and  then  you 
go  and  tell  her  all  I  say,  and  then  we'll  get 
mad  as  hornets,  and  won't  speak  when  we 
meet,  just  as  our  mothers  do,  you  know ; 
and  that'll  be  such  fun  — won't  it?"  Hadn't 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  135 

these  little  mischiefs  lived  to  some  purpose? 
and  were  they  not  close  observers,  and  apt 
scholars,  charmingly  trained  for  the  chief 
business  of  life  in  a  small  neighborhood? 

No.  52.  A  young  hopeful  of  our  acquaint 
ance,  under  five  years  of  age,  has  been  for 
a  long  time  debating  with  himself  whether 
he  would  be  a  circus-rider  or  a  brigadier- 
general.  After  weighing  all  the  -pros  and 
cons,  he  has  decided  for  the  circus.  What  a 
pity  some  of  our  brigadiers  had  not  gone 
through  a  similar  process  in  the  late  war  — 
and  arrived  at  the  same  conclusion !  We 
should  have  been  spared  many  a  blundering 
mishap. 

No.  53.  A  three-year-old  baby  in  George 
town,  D.C.,  having  watched  the  operations  of 
newsboys  and  letter-carriers  while  distributing 
circulars,  newspapers,  etc.,  took  from  his 
father's  desk  a  large  pile  of  business  letters, 


136  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

and  began  the  process  of  distribution  with 
astonishing  success;  but,  after  all,  brought 
no  blushes  to  anybody's  cheek,  so  far  as  we 
have  reason  to  believe,  notwithstanding  the 
example  set  him  by  the  little  boy  with  his 
sister's  love-letters,  already  mentioned.  See 
No.  20. 

Well  do  I  remember  a  little  chubby  fellow 
strutting  through  the  country  kitchen  of  his 
father,  when  I  myself  was  but  a  broth  of 
a  boy,  with  a  heap  of  folded  papers  stick 
ing  out  of  his  trousers'  pocket.  "These  be 
all  writs,  by  George  ! "  said  he,  slapping  his 
thigh  as  he  went  along.  Upon  further  in 
quiry,  we  found  that  he  was  imitating  a  new 
deputy-sheriff,  who  used  to  come  a-courting 
there  Sabba'-days. 

No.  54.  A  young  gentleman  of  only  six 
at  the  outside,  was  cruelly  beset  by  a  baby 
of  eighteen  months,  with  decided  manifesta- 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  137 

tions  of  fondness.  "Don't  you  see,  Johnny, 
that  the  baby  wants  to  kiss  you?"  said  his 
mother.  "  Yes  'm  —  'at's  'cause  he  tates 
me  for  his  papa,"  was  the  explanation  of 
Lilliput.  My  own  little  fellow  used  to  com 
plain  that  the  servant-girls  were  always  under 
his  feet,  when  he  invaded  the  kitchen. 

No.  55.  While  crossing  a  steam-ferry,  a 
little  three-year-old  exclaimed,  as  he  saw  a 
sail-boat,  "  O,  mamma !  there's  a  boat  with 
a  bonnet  on"  —  a  poke-bonnet,  of  course. 

No.  56.  And  sometimes  the  best  of  us 
get  more  than  we  have  bargained  for,  while 
trying  to  enlighten  these  will-o'-the-wisps. 
A  preacher,  who  was  talking  to  the  boys  in 
a  pleasant,  familiar  way  at  the  New-Hamp 
shire  State  Reform-School,  about  good  people 
being  respected  while  the  naughty  were  de 
spised  and  shunned,  ventured  on  an  illustration 
suited  to  their  capacities.  "  Now,  boys,  when 


138   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

I  walk  through  the  streets,  and  I  speak  to 
some  people,  and  not  to  others,  what  is  the 
reason  ?  "  "  'Cause  some  are  rich  and  some 
are  poor,"  yelped  a  little  fellow  in  the  corner ; 
who,  it  may  be,  never  heard  of  the  Apostle 
James,  nor  of  what  he  says  in  Chapter  II. 
about  the  rich  man  coming  into  your  assembly 
with  a  gold  ring,  in  goodly  apparel,  and  also 
a  poor  man  in  vile  raiment,  and  you  say  to 
the  first,  "  Sit  thou  here  in  a  good  place ; 
and  to  the  poor,  Stand  thou  there,  or  sit 
under  my  footstool ; "  yet  was  he  learned  in 
the  Scripture  nevertheless,  and  that  without 
knowing  it,  —  God  Almighty  being  his  teacher. 
No.  57.  Can  this  be  true?  If  yea,  that 
child  must  have  died  young.  It  is  from  the 
Lawrence  Eagle.  "In  a  gentleman's  family 
in  this  city,"  says  the  editor,  "there  is  a  little 
boy  somewhat  remarkable  for  smartness,  and 
for  his  understanding  of  'pure  English  unde- 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  139 

filed.'  He  is  only  four.  Not  many  days 
since,  he  was  at  the  table  'cutting  up'  in 
the  usual  way,  when  his  mother  reproved 
him.  Upon  this  he  began  buttering  a  huge 
slice  of  bread  at  such  a  furious  rate,  that 
his  mother  found  it  necessary  to  interfere 
again:  'Why  Johnny,'  said  she,  'how  you 
do  behave  !  You  mustn't  eat  so  much  butter  ; 
it  will  be  the  death  of  you.'  The  little  chap 
looked  up  writh  a  roguish  smile,  and  said, 
'Well,  mother,  I  mean  to  go  well  buttered, 
you  see,  if  I  am  not  so  \vell  bread.'"  This 
the  editor  was  kind  enough  to  explain,  by 
enclosing  "bred"  in  a  parenthesis,  after  the 
style  of  newspaper  purveyors,  who  seem  to 
take  it  for  granted  that  most  of  their  capital 
jokes  are  unintelligible  to  the  common  reader. 
No.  58.  Little  Daisy's  mother  was  trying 
to  make  her  understand  the  meaning  of  smile. 
"  Oh  yes,  I  know,"  said  the  little  one,  her 


140  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagties. 

face  all  lighting  up  as  she  spoke,  "it  is  the 
whisper  of  a  laugh."  Quite  equal  to  the 
"frozen  music"  of  architecture,  or  the  "poetry 
of  motion."  Sed  quare,  as  the  lawyers  say, 
Was  such  a  thing  ever  said  by  a  little  child? 
I  trow  not. 

No.  59.  But  here  is  something  we  can 
believe.  A  buxom  Ohio  school-girl  was 
going  through  her  calisthenic  performances 
for  the  amusement  of  her  little  brothers  and 
sisters.  A  youthful  visitor,  full  of  compassion 
for  the  poor  thing,  asked  her  brother  if 
that  gal  had  fits?  "No,"  replied  the  in 
dignant  brother,  "  them's  gymnastics."  "  Oh, 
I  see;  how  long  has  she  had 'em?"  which 
reminds  me  that  I  was  once  asked  by  a  la 
borer,  who  saw  half  a  hundred  stout  fellows 
exercising  in  the  open  air,  bare-headed,  with 
their  jackets  off,  in  Voelker's  London  Gymna 
sium  at  St.  John's  Wood,  "  How  much  we 
got  a  day?" 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  141 

No.  60.  But  the  inquisitiveness  of  these 
folks,  who  are  to  govern  the  world  hereafter, 
is  not  confined  to  every-day  investigations ; 
and  well  for  us  that  they  are  not :  and  well 
must  it  be  for  the  nations — for  what  our  children 
are  now,  that  will  our  country  be  hereafter. 

"Mamma,  how  does  God  born  people 
black?"  said  a  sprightly  little  whippersnap- 
per,  who  had  been  listening  to  a  talk  about 
the  freedmen. 

"By  His  great  power." 

"Well,  I  guess  He  must  have  a  great  big 
pot  of  blackin',  and  then  He  smooches  'em 
all  over,  jess  as  soon  as  they  are  borned." 

"No,  no,  my  dear  —  that  would  soon  rub 
off,"  said  mamma. 

After  a  while  a  very  earnest,  exulting  little 
voice  was  heard  from  underneath  the  bed 
clothes,  saying,  "  I  know  now,  mamma  !  He 
mixes  the  blackin'  with  the  dust." 


142  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

Set  down  that  child  for  a  thorough-going 
investigator  —  never  to  be  put  off  with  any 
thing  short  of  demonstration  —  like  Sir  Hum 
phrey  Davy,  or  Faraday. 

No.  61.  And  then,  too,  how  jealous  they 
are  of  their  little  prerogatives,  and  how  they 
stand  up  for  themselves,  when  hard  pushed ! 
A  returned  Californian  found  the  baby  he 
had  left  in  her  mother's  lap,  a  smart  little 
wayward  minx  of  five  summers.  One  day 
he  happened  to  offend  her  ladyship,  when 
she  exclaimed,  "  There  now !  I  do  wish 
you'd  never  married  into  the  family." 

No.  62.  Freddy,  a  sunny-haired  little  fel 
low,  just  beginning  to  say  "I  shall  be  five 
next  year  about  this  time,"  after  sitting  awhile 
as  if  lost  in  thought,  broke  out  with,  "  Say, 
pa,  can  God  do  anything?"  "Yes,  dear." 
"Can  He  make  a  two-year  old  colt  in  two 
minutes  ?  "  "  Why  —  He  wouldn't  want  to  do 


Picking's  and  Stealings.  143 

that,  Freddy."  "But  I  say  pa,  if  He  did 
want  to,  could  He  do  it?"  "Yes,  certainly," 
answered  the  father,  somewhat  annoyed  at 
the  child's  pertinacity.  "  What !  in  two  min 
utes,  pa?"  "Yes,  in  two  minutes."  "Well, 
then,  the  colt  wouldn't  be  two  years  old, 
would  he  ? "  There's  a  logician  for  you  — 
ay,  and  metaphysician  too ;  but  there  !  don't 
they  swarm  about  our  supper-tables  and  Sab 
bath-schools,  just  now,  like  the  frogs  in 
Egypt? 

No.  63.  Putting  it  Home. — A  little  Berk 
shire  five-year-old  began  to  be  ravenous  about 
bed-time,  and  was  afraid  to  ask  for  more 
supper.  At  last,  after  pondering  the  question 
awhile,  he  said,  "Mother,  are  little  children 
that  starve  to  death  happy  after  they  die?" 
Of  course  that  child  drew  extra  rations  for 
once. 

No.  64.     "Sammy,"  said  a  young  mother 


144  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

to  her  darling,  "  Sammy  dear,  do  you  under 
stand  the  difference  between  body  and  soul  ?  " 
"  Don't  think  I  do,  ma  —  that  is,  not  exactly." 
"  Shall  mother  try  to  make  it  clear  to  him  ?  " 
"Yes,  mamma."  "Well,  then,"  patting  his 
arms  and  shoulders,  "this  is  the  body.  The 
soul  is  what  you  live  with ;  the  body  carries 
you  about."  "  You,  mamma  —  and  who  is 
you?"  "Never  mind  now — this,  as  I  told 
you,"  touching  him  again  on  the  shoulders 
and  arms,  "  this  is  the  body ;  but  there  is 
something  underneath,  something  deeper  in. 
You  can  feel  it  now.  What  is  it?  "  "  O,  I 
know ! "  said  he,  with  a  flash  of  delighted 
intelligence  overspreading  every  feature,  "it 
is  my  flannel  undershirt."  Of  course  it  was  ! 
What  other  soul  had  he  any  idea  of  after 
mamma  was  done  with  him? 

No.  65.      O  Hush!  —  A  gentleman  was  ad 
miring   the  beautiful  hair  of  a  young,  hand- 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  145 

some,  fashionable  widow,  when  her  little  girl, 
who  had  no  idea  of  being  overlooked,  ob 
served,  with  a  fling  and  a  pout,  "  I  guess 
my  hair  would  look  well  too,  if  I  took  as 
much  care  of  it.  Mamma  never  sleeps  in  her 
hair."  Of  course  pollywog  took  a  lesson, 
after  bed-time,  with  the  young  ladies  who 
"tingle,  skeem,  an'  dance." 

No.  66.  A  clergyman  of  astonishing  per 
tinacity,  having  tired  out  a  large  congrega 
tion  long  before  he  had  reached  his  tenthly, 
stopped  to  take  breath  and  wipe  the  sweat 
from  his  forehead,  and  was  just  beginning 
afresh,  when  a  little  miss,  just  under  the 
pulpit,  exclaimed,  <?  O  mother !  he  aint  a-goin' 
to  stop  at  all !  he  is  a-swellin'  up  again." 

No.  67.  A  fine  manly  little  fellow  of  five 
years  tumbled  on  the  door-step  and  cut  his 
upper  lip,  so  that  a  surgeon  had  to  sew  it 
up.  He  sat  in  his  mother's  lap  during  the 

10 


146  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

operation,  pale  and  speechless,  though  large 
tears  gathered  in  his  eyes,  and  seemed  just 
ready  to  fall.  "  O  dear !  "  said  she,  as  the 
doctor  finished  off,  "  I'm  afraid  it  will  leave 
a  bad  scar."  "Never  mind,"  said  Charley, 
patting  her  on  the  cheek,  "never  mind, 
mother,  darling,  my  mustache  will  cover  it ! " 

There's  a  hero  for  you.  How  much  better 
than  Nelson's  "Kiss  me,  Hardy." 

No.  68.  A  boy  who  was  warmly  praised 
for  not  having  once  taken  his  eyes  off  the 
preacher,  answered,  in  the  honesty  of  his 
little  heart,  "  O,  I  only  wanted  to  see  how 
near  he  was  to  the  end." 

No.  69.  A  Sandusky  mother — was  she  a 
gipsy?  —  so  runs  the  little  story,  was  reprov 
ing  her  three-year-old  perplexity  for  eating 
icicles.  "I  didn't  eat  'em,  mamma,"  said  he, 
"  I  only  sucked  the  juice  out  of  'em."  Worthy 
of  any  bar  on  earth,  and  of  almost  any  special 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  147 

pleader  in  politics  or  law,  metaphysics  or 
political  economy. 

No.  70.  "The  little  darling!  It  didn't 
strike  neighbor  Smith's  poor  little  baby  a- 
purpose,  did  he?  It  was  a  mere  accident, 
wasn't  it,  dear?"  "Yes,  mamma,  to  be  sure 
it  was,  an'  if  he  don't  behave  himself  an' 
stop  makin'  mouths  at  me,  I'll  crack  him 
again." 

No.  71.  "Well  Susie,  how  do  you  like 
your  school?"  "  O,  ever  so  much,  papa." 
"  That's  right,  Susie.  And  now  tell  me  what 
you  have  learned  to-day?"  "Well,  papa, 
I've  learned  the  names  of  all  the  little  boys." 

And  what  more  would  you  have?  though 
the  young  lady  were  at  a  boarding-school, 
and  learning  the  polka,  and  the  waltz,  or  the 
schottische  ? 

No.  72.  "I  say,  my  fine  fellow,  where's 
this  road  go  to?"  "It  hain't  ben  nowhere 


148    Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

sence  we've  lived  in  these  parts."  A  legal 
question  put  to  a  witness  on  the  stand,  legally 
answered  —  hey  ? 

No.  73.  "I  do  wish  you  would  behave!" 
said  a  boy  to  his  little  sister,  in  a  fit  of  impa 
tience.  "Don't  speak  so  to  your  sister,"  said 
mamma,  "  she  is  a  good  little  girl  on  the 
whole."  "I  don't  see  where  \h^good  comes 
in,"  he  replied.  "It  comes  in  right  after 
the  #,"  said  the  little  bepraised.  Wasn't  she 
smart? — or  "just  as  cunnin'  as  she  could  be?" 

No.  74.  "  What  did  you  use  to  do,  mam 
ma,  before  you  was  married?"  asked  a  little 
cherub,  not  four  years  old.  "Well,  my  dear, 
I  had  a  very  good  time,  generally."  "A 
good  time !  "  he  exclaimed  with  a  look  of 
astonishment,  "what!  without  me?"  Such 
babies  will  never  allow  themselves  to  be  un 
dervalued,  even  to  the  last.  They  will  be 
missed,  if  they  are  not  mastered.  Not  so 
bad  —  hey? 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  149 

No.  75.  A  gentlewoman  —  I  hate  ladies 
—  belonging  to  Gardiner,  Maine,  paid  a  visit 
to  the  graveyard  with  her  little  daughter. 
Seeing  the  effigy  of  a  horse  on  one  of  the 
upright  slabs,  she  stooped  down  to  read  the 
inscription,  but  nothing  did  she  find  to  explain 
the  mystery ;  \vhereupon  the  child  whispered, 
that  "  maybe  the  poor  man  died  of  night- 
marc"  A  very  plausible  conjecture,  was  it 
not,  for  a  region  where  so  many  live  and 
die  of  the  same  ailment?  now  under  the  name 
of  apoplexy,  and  now  under  that  of  the  heart 
disease,  or  plethora? 

No.  76.  A  little  creature,  under  three  years 
of  age,  on  being  told  that  she  was  too  little 
to  have  a  muff,  asked,  with  a  bright  flush 
over  her  whole  face,  "  Am  I  too  little  to  be 
cold?"  Another,  on  being  refused  admission 
to  the  church,  upon  the  ground  that  she  was 
too  young,  asked  if  she  was  too  young  to  sin 
and  be  sorry  for  it? 


150   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  77.  Another  three-year-old,  on  re 
turning  from  her  first  visit  to  church,  asked 
for  a  cup  of  water,  that  she  might  christen 
her  doll,  just  as  the  preacher  did  the  baby. 
And  why  not  —  if  mother  had  failed  to 
enlighten  her  upon  the  subject  of  infant  bap 
tism  ? 

No.  78.  Two  little  girls,  both  under  six, 
were  overheard  in  conversation  about  their 
neighbors.  "  Emma,"  said  one  of  them, 
"  wouldn't  it  be  awful  if  somebody  should  up 
and  shoot  our  school-mistress?"  "Yes  in 
deed,"  was  the  reply;  "but  then,  wouldn't  it 
be  nice  not  to  have  any  school  ?  " 

No.  79.  A  little  boy  once  asked  a  godly 
minister,  "Do  you  think  my  father  will  go 
to  heaven?"  "Yes,"  replied  the  minister. 
"Well  then,  /  tell  you,  if  he  can't  have  his 
own  way  there,  he  won't  stay  long,  you  bet." 

No.  80.      Tit  for   Tat.—  The  family  were 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  151 

at  dinner.  The  conversation  turned  upon  a 
trip  to  the  islands,  about  to  take  place.  A 
clergyman  spoke  to  the  little  one,  and  after 
some  bantering,  asked  her  if  she  could  say 
the  alphabet  backward.  "No  sir,"  said  she, 
wondering  what  next,  as  the  tadpole  did 
when  his  tail  dropped  off.  "  Then,"  said  he, 
"you  can't  goto  the  islands."  After  looking 
very  thoughtful  for  a  few  moments,  she 
asked,  "  Can  you  say  the  Lord's  Prayer  back 
ward?  "  "  No,  my  dear."  "  Then,"  said  she, 
"you  can't  go  to  heaven."  Was  not  the  infer 
ence  honest  and  fair,  granting  the  premises? 
No.  81.  A  little  blue-eyed  maiden,  who 
was  romping  with  her  fifth  Christmas  doll, 
and  listening  to  some  conversation  about  un 
happy  marriages,  incompatibilities  of  temper, 
and  the  Chicago  recipe  for  unmarrying, 
turned  to  her  mother  and  said,  "  Well,  ma, 
I'm  never  going  to  marry,  I'm  going  to  be 


152  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

a  widow."  The  dear  little  chatterbox!  If 
she  could  only  have  kept  her  own  counsel 
a  few  years  longer.  How  many  are  there 
who  would  like  being  widows,  without  going 
through  the  form  of  marriage?  but  then, 
they'll  never  say  so,  for  widows  have  their 
privileges,  and  privileges,  too,  that  wives 
have  not. 

No.  82.  And  here  we  have  something  out 
of  the  common  way,  well  vouched  for,  and 
thoroughly  safe  to  be  repeated.  A  little  boy 
of  only  eight  years,  a  son  of  Mr.  Elias  Bates, 
drove  to  the  Agricultural  Fair  in  Medford, 
Mass.,  a  pair  of  black  calves,  which  were 
so  perfectly  trained  as  to  draw  a  little  blue 
wagon,  which  had  been  got  up  for  the  occa 
sion.  The  little  fellow  —  and  this,  probably, 
will  be  thought  the  best  part  of  the  story  by 
most  of  our  young  readers, — was  furnished 
with  scrip  from  the  wallets  of  the  bystanders 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  153 

to  the  amount  of  nobody  knows  how  many 
dollars  ;  enough,  at  any  rate,  to  nearly  fill  his 
cap.  Whereat,  says  the  narrator,  he  was  so 
entirely  overcome  with  surprise  and  joy,  that 
he  cried,  and  laughed,  tried  to  talk,  and  then 
fairly  broke  down,  and  took  to  his  heels,  and 
ran  away,  as  if  the  dogs  were  after  him. 

No.  83.  Lilly  and  Nina  had  prepared  a 
doll's  breakfast,  and  arrayed  it  on  a  side 
board,  while  they  went  to  take  a  romp  in  the 
garden.  Master  Bob,  their  little  brother, 
clambered  up  the  side-board  and  began  gob 
bling  the  dainties,  as  boys  will  do,  you  know, 
whatever  may  be  their  age.  "Why,  Bobby  !  " 
said  his  mother,  looking  in  at  the  open  door, 
"what  are  you  doing  there  ?  "  "  Playin'  pussy, 
mamma." 

No.  84.  At  a  country  fair  in  New  Jersey, 
not  long  ago,  a  little  boy  who  was  running 
about,  like  a  distracted  thing,  and  bawling  as 


154  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

if  he  would  split  his  throat,  was  asked  what 
was  the  matter.  "  I  want  my  mammy,"  said 
he,  "that's  what's  the  matter!  Didn't  I  tell 
the  darned  thing  she'd  lose  me  ?  " 

No.  85.  A  little  four-year-old  went  to 
church  in  Bridgeport,  Connecticut,  last  sum 
mer.  On  getting  home,  her  mother  asked 
her  if  she  remembered  the  text.  "  O  yes, 
mamma ;  it  was  this  :  f  The  Ladies  Sewing 
Circle  will  meet  at  Mrs.  So-and-so's  house,  on 
Monday  afternoon.' "  A  capital  text,  what 
ever  may  have  been  the  sermon. 

No.  86.  A  Boston  boy,  five  years  of  age, 
and  a  type  of  many  now  flourishing  there, 
if  not  a  type  of  that  class  who  are  to  be  the 
gold-brokers  of  hereafter,  at  least  a  repre 
sentative  boy  of  the  shrewd  and  calculating, 
now  on  their  way  up  in  the  cashier-business, 
which  so  often  ends  of  late  in  there  being 
neither  cash-/tere  nor  cash-t/iere  for  stock- 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  155 

holders,  having  stolen,  or  appropriated,  a  can 
of  milk,  was  taken  solemnly  to  task  for  the 
misdemeanor  by  his  loving  mother.  "  What 
on  earth  were  you  going  to  do  with  the 
milk?"  said  she.  "O,  I  was  going  to  steal 
a  little  puppy  to  drink  it,"  was  the  reply. 
Perfectly  satisfactory,  no  doubt,  like  certi 
fying  checks  by  the  handful,  and  appropri 
ating,  or  conveying,  the  gold  of  widows  and 
orphans  by  the  wheelbarrow  -  load  into  a 
friend's  pocket,  or  in  speculating  where  what/ 
you  gain  is  yours,  and  what  you  lose, 
another's. 

No.  87.  A  clergyman  asked  some  chil 
dren  why  we  say  Our  Father  -who  art  in 
Heaven,  since  God  is  everywhere?  A  little 
drummer-boy,  who  stood  afar  off,  looked  as 
if  he  understood  the  question.  "  Well,  my 
little  soldier,  what  have  you  to  say?"  "Be 
cause  it's  head-quarters,"  he  replied. 


156  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  88.  "A  little  nephew  of  ours,"  says 
a  contributor,  "  went  with  his  sister  to  school 
not  long  ago,  for  the  first  time.  They  kept 
him  there  five  mortal  hours,  with  a  short  re 
cess,  which  he  did  not  know  how  to  take 
advantage  of.  On  being  asked  how  he  en 
joyed  the  school,  he  answered,  'Petty  well, 
I  tank  you,  but  I  dut  awfully  rested.'" 

No.  89.  A  Specimen  of  Childish  Faith , 
-which,  if  not  dwarfed  nor  blighted,  would  be 
enough  —  almost — to  move  Mountains,  after 
getting  its  growth. — Two  little  girls,  one 
nine  and  the  other  eleven,  on  getting  up  one 
morning,  had  a  trial  to  see  which  would  get 
dressed  first.  Little  Sue  was  the  winner ;  and 
turning  to  her  sister,  with  the  triumphant  air 
of  a  victor  at  -the  Olympian  games,  she  said, 
"I  knew  I  should  beat  you,  Sissy ;  for  I  asked 
God  to  help  me,  and  I  knew  He  would." 

No.  90.     A  fine-looking,  saucy,  high-spir- 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  157 

ited  girl  of  ten,  bought  of  a  fashionable  shoe 
maker  a  pair  of  warranted  boots.  They  broke 
out  with  one  day's  wear.  She  carried  them 
back  to  him.  After  turning  them  over,  inside 
and  out,  awhile,  he  said,  "They  were  not 
taken  in  quite  enough,  I  see."  "No,"  she 
replied,  "but  I  was." 

No.  91.  A  promising  little  chap  having 
heard  it  stated  confidentially  that  a  neighbor 
was  married,  and  that  she  had  a  little  boy  and 
girl,  stowed  the  fact  away  for  future  use  ;  and 
not  long  after  reproduced  it  in  a  large  com 
pany  of  ladies  and  gentlemen,  after  this 

fashion  :  "  Miss  M ,  I  tink  our  tortus-shell 

tat's  ben  dittin  married  —  she's  dut  tittens." 
But  tortoise-shell  cats  don't  have  kittens  —  at 
least,  not  of  themselves,  if  by  proxy ;  but 
qui  facit  -per  alium  facit -per  se,  as  the  law 
yers  say ;  and  the  little  boy  may  have  mis 
understood  the  symptoms. 


158  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  92.  Charley,  the  other  day,  on  seeing 
three  or  four  funerals  in  swift  succession, 
expressed  a  wish  that  he  might  die  "  before 
Heaven  was  too  full." 

No.  93.  A  mother,  out  a-shopping  with 
her  little  girl  and  boy,  bought  him  a  rubber 
balloon,  which  escaped  while  he  was  playing 
with  it,  and  went  off  up  into  the  sky.  Sissy, 
on  seeing  the  tears  in  his  eyes,  and  his  quiver 
ing  chin,  said,  "Never  mind,  Neddy  —  when 
you  dies  and  dose  to  Heaben,  you'll  dit  it." 

No.  94.  A  Bible-class  had  been  called 
upon  for  the  names  of  the  precious  stones 
mentioned  in  the  Scriptures.  After  the  ques 
tion  had  gone  through  the  class,  one  little 
fellow  held  up  his  hand.  "Well,  Tommy," 
said  the  teacher,  "  what  precious  stone  have 
you  found?  "  "  Brimthtone,  thir  !  " 

No.  95.  This  beautiful  anecdote  must  be 
given  in  the  very  words  of  the  narrator :  "  A 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  159 

lady  visiting  New  York,  found  a  ragged,  cold, 
and  hungry  child  gazing  wistfully  at  some 
cakes  in  a  shop  window.  She  took  the  little 
forlorn  thing  by  the  hand,  led  her  into  the  shop, 
bought  her  a  cake,  and  then  led  her  away, 
and  supplied  her  other  wants.  The  grateful 
little  creature  looked  her  full  in  the  face,  and 
whispered,  "Are  you  God's  wife  f  ' ' 

No.  96.  A  fashionable  woman  called  upon 
a  dentist  to  have  some  teeth  filled,  taking  with 
her  a  little  niece.  Among  these  were  two 
front  incisors,  which  were  filled  on  the  lower 
edge.  In  a  pleasant  mood,  when  everything 
went  well  with  Aunty,  glimpses  of  the  gold 
were  occasionally  seen.  "  O  Aunt  Mary,"  said 
the  child,  "  how  I  should  like  to  have  copper- 
toed  teeth,  like  yours  !  " 

And  this  reminds  me  of  a  little  boy,  whose 
father  was  bald-headed.  One  day  he  was  sent 
to  have  his  hair  cut.  "  How  would  you  like  to 


160  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

have  it  cut,  my  little  man  ? "  said  the  artist. 
"Like  papa's,  with  a  hole  in  the  top,"  said  he, 
—  perhaps  to  see  through. 

No.  97.  Master  Jimmy  was  standing  on 
his  father's  steps,  in  broad  daylight,  smoking 
a  cigar.  "Why,  Jim,"  said  a  neighbor,  who 
was  hurrying  by,  "  when  did  you  learn  to 
smoke?  "  "  O,"  says  the  boy  —  "  when  I  was 
a  little  fellow  !  " 

No.  98.  "  Papa,"  said  a  small  urchin  with 
a  mischievous  eye  —  "I  say,  papa,  ought  the 
master  to  flog  a  fellar  for  what  he  didn't  do  ?  " 
"Certainly  not,  my  boy."  "Well,  then,  he 
flogged  me  to-day  when  I  didn't  do  my  sum." 
And  there  he  had  him  ! 

No.  99.  And  this,  too,  is  vouched  for  — 
though  not  by  me  :  A  little  girl,  about  five 
years  old,  heard  a  preacher  vociferating  in 
prayer  till  the  roof  rang  again.  "Mother," 
said  the  little  one,  "don't  you  think,  if  he  lived 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  161 

nearer  to  God,  he  wouldn't  have  to  pray  so 
loud  ?  "  Maybe  she  had  been  told  about  the 
priests  of  Baal,  and  their  shouting  before  the 
Hebrew  prophet,  who  mocked  them. 

No.  100.  Bishop  Simpson,  they  say,  in  a 
lecture  delivered  at  Boston,  had  the  courage  to 
say,  that  in  two  or  three  years,  at  furthest, 
Chinese  servants  would  be  common  there. 
Next  morning  the  father  happened  to  mention 
it.  "  O,  pa,"  whispered  Minnie,  "  won't  it  be 
nice  !  we  shall  have  a  Chinese  servant,  and 
she  will  eat  all  the  rats,  and  so  we  sha'n't 
have  to  keep  a  cat !  " 

No.  101.  A  youngster,  who  had  been  play 
ing  in  a  mud-puddle  till  his  rubber  boots  were 
full  of  the  dirty  water,  came  home  at  last  to 
report  progress,  and  ask  leave  to  sit  again. 
But  his  mother,  with  an  eye  to  doctor's  bills, 
and  a  whooping-cough,  or  scarlet  fever,  said 
No ;  and  the  child  was  kept  in  the  house  all 
ii 


162  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 
day,    till    he    could    bear   it   no   longer.     "O 

| 

mamma!"  said  he,  at  last,  "please  whip  me, 
and  let  me  go  out  again  —  do"  It  seems 
that  he  had  outwaded  all  the  rest  of  the  boys, 
without  going  much  beyond  his  depth. 

No.  1 02.  Children  are  wonders.  No  mat 
ter  how  well  acquainted  with  them  we  may  be, 
they  are  always  taking  us  off  our  feet.  A 
•  pious  woman  heard  a  child,  as  she  thought, 
say  —  and  the  child,  too,  of  godly  parents  — 
"Dam  it  to  hell  —  who  buys?"  —  having  a 
basket  on  his  arm,  containing  she  knew  not 
what,  so  shocked  was  she.  On  reporting  the 
case  at  head-quarters,  the  affair  was  investi 
gated,  and  it  turned  out  that  the  poor  little  fel 
low  had  a  bushel  of  damsons,  which  he  made 
believe  hawk  round,  after  the  fashion  of  small 
dealers  who  cry  their  wares  in  the  street. 
What  he  tried  to  say  was,  "Damsons  to  sell  — 
who  buys  ?  " 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  163 

No.  103.  "How  many  sisters  did  you  say, 
my  dear?"  "  Only  one  beside  myself."  "And 
how  many  brothers?"  "None  at  all."  "What ! 
no  brother  ! "  "  No  sir  ;  mamma  don't  approve 
of  boys."  That's  a  fact. 

No.  104.  A  little  nigger-boy  at  the  South 
had  just  been  equipped  with  a  new  suit  of 
clothes,  the  first  he  ever  had  in  his  life,  you 
may  be  sure.  Next  morning  he  appeared 
with  one  leg  of  the  trousers  ripped  up  from 
shoe  to  waistband.  On  being  asked  how  it 
happened,  he  answered,  "Please  ma'am,  I 
wanted  to  hear  \\.Jlof!" 

No.  105.  Another  little  boy,  while  playing 
by  himself  on  the  carpet,  burst  out  with  a 
ringing  laugh.  On  being  questioned,  it  turned 
out  that  he  had  taken  off  the  tail  of  a  little 
toy  pony,  and  stuck  it  into  the  pony's  mouth. 
"Papa,"  said  he,  "  do  Dod  see  everything?" 
"Yes,  my  boy."  "Well,  then,  I  dess  Dod 
will  laugh,  when  He  sees  my  pony." 


164  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  106.  "I  have  somewhere  met  with  a 
stoiy,"  says  a  pleasant,  gossiping  observer, 
"  about  a  man  who  went,  one  dark  night,  to 
steal  corn  from  his  neighbor's  patch.  He  had 
taken  his  little  boy  with  him  to  keep  watch. 
The  man  jumped  over  the  fence  with  a  large 
bag  on  his  arm ;  but  before  he  began  to  fill 
it,  he  stopped  and  looked  about  on  all  sides, 
and,  not  seeing  anybody,  was  just  going  to 
work,  when  his  little  boy  cried  out,  rOh, 
father,  father !  there  is  one  way  you  haven't 
looked  yet ! ' 

"The  old  man  was  rather  startled,  and  asked 
what  he  meant. 

"'Why,'  said  the  little  one,  'you  forgot  to 
look  tip.' 

"  The  father  was  silent  —  thunderstruck  — 
as  if  he  had  been  admonished  by  a  little  guar 
dian  angel :  he  went  back  to  the  fence,  took 
his  little  boy  by  the  hand,  and  hurried  away 
without  the  corn." 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  165 

No.  107.  A  mother  was  reading  to  her 
child,  a  boy  of  seven,  about  another  little  boy 
whose  father  had  lately  died,  leaving  the  fam 
ily  destitute,  whereupon  the  boy  went  to  work 
for  himself,  and  managed  to  support  them  all. 

"Now,  my  little  man,"  said  mother,  after 
she  had  finished  the  story,  "  if  papa  should  be 
taken  away,  wouldn't  you  like  to  help  your 
poor  mother  and  your  little  sisters  ?  " 

"Why,  ma — what  for?  Ain't  we  got  a 
good  house  to  live  in?" 

"  O  yes,  my  child ;  but  \ve  couldn't  eat  the 
house,  you  know." 

"  Well  —  ain't  we  got  flour  and  sugar,  and 
other  things  in  the  store-room  ?  " 

"  Certainly,  my  dear  ;  but  they  wouldn't  last 
long  —  and  what  then  ?  " 

"  Well  —  ain't  there  enough  to  last,  till  you 
could  get  another  husband?  " 

Mamma  dried  uj> — just  as  the  boy  had 
slopped  over. 


1 66  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  108.  A  mother  had  been  telling  her 
little  girl  about  the  blessings  above.  "But 
will  mamma  be  there  too  ?"  asked  the  child. 
"Yes;  you  and  I,  and  little  brother,  and 
papa."  "O  no,  mamma,"  said  she  —  "papa 
can't  go;  papa  can't  leave  the  store." 

No.  109.  A  little  four-year-old,  living  just 
out  of  New  York,  was  saying  the  Lord's 
Prayer  at  his  mother's  knee.  After  he  had 
finished,  she  said  to  him  — 

"Now,  Sandy,  ask  God  to  make  you  a 
good  boy." 

The  child  hesitated,  grew  thoughtful,  and, 
after  a  few  minutes,  looked  up  and  whis 
pered  — 

"It's  no  use,  mamma — He  won't  do  it,  I  tell 
you ;  I've  asked  Him  ever  so  many  times." 

No.  no.  A  little  girl,  the  daughter  of  a 
Brooklyn  wife,  had  been  listening  to  an  argu 
ment  about  the  occupations  above,  and  the 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  167 

great  Hereafter.  Turning  suddenly  to  her 
aunt,  she  asked  what  people  found  to  do  after 
they  went  to  Heaven.  Her  aunt,  being  taken 
by  surprise,  answered,  "  O,  they  play  on 
golden  harps."  "  What  —  all  the  time  !  " 
"Yes—  all  the  time,  dear/'  "Then,"  said  the 
child,  "  I  don't  want  to  go  there  —  I  should  be 
so  tired;  and,  what  is  more,  I  don't  like  the 
music." 

No.  in.  "Is  it  still  raining,  my  dear?" 
said  a  mother  to  her  child  of  only  three,  at 
Jamaica,  L.  I.  The  child,  after  looking  out 
of  the  window,  turned  to  her  mother  and  said, 
"No,  mamma,  it  ain't  a-rainin'  now,  but  the 
trees  is  leakin'."  The  same  child,  having  a 
habit  of  putting  pins  in  her  mouth,  was 
anxiously  watched.  Whenever  she  was  very 
still,  they  knew  she  was  in  some  mischief. 
The  other  day,  on  seeing  her  stand  at  the 
bureau  in  perfect  silence,  her  mother  began  to 


168    Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

have  her  suspicions.  "Mary,"  said  she,  "you 
are  playing  with  pins,  I'm  afraid ;  I  hope  you 
haven't  got  any  in  your  mouth."  "I  ain't  dut 
any  in  my  mouth  now,"  she  said;  "but  I  bin 
playin'  pins  is  meat." 

No.  112.  One  round  more,  and  I  throw 
up  the  sponge.  The  same  little  wee  thing  — 
a  granddaughter  of  my  own,  ty  the  way,  and 
the  first  of  the  series  —  mentioned  in  No.  10, 
who  spelled  -pigeon  with  J^..  U.  A.  /.  /,.,  and 
pronounced  \\.  fidget,  was  looking  at  a  hive,  in 
a  book  for  babies.  "  O,"  she  shouted  —  "  O, 
grandpa,  I  know  what  them  is  !  They's  the 
honeys,  and  when  they  go  away,  I  mean  to 
steal  their  -porridge.^  N.  B.  —  She  had 
always  called  honey  porridge. 

No.  113.  Once  —  and  I  give  this  for  a  fine 
illustration  of  the  total  depravity  we  hear  so 
much  of — I  had  a  pleasant  specimen  of  the 
inward  working  of  that  self-reproach  we  are  all 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  169 

tried  with  sometimes,  in  this  way  :  Miss  Nellie 
seemed  shy  of  me  one  morning,  when  she 
came  into  the  breakfast  room.  Instead  of  run 
ning  up  to  grandpa  with  a  kiss  upon  her  little 
red  lips,  she  kept  aloof,  and  went  wandering 
about  beyond  my  reach,  with  her  eyes  fastened 
on  me  all  the  time.  At  last,  unable  to  bear  it 
longer,  she  whimpered,  "  Oo  needn't  look  at 
me  so,  grandpa ;  I  ony  toot  one  tawbelly." 

No.  114.  "High,  there,  high  !"  said  Grand 
father  Hall  to  my  little  boy — the  first  we  had. 
"You  don't  know  where  you  are."  "  Yes  I  do, 
grandpa."  "Well,  where  are  you?"  "I'm 
here,"  was  the  reply. 

No.  115.  Analogy. — "What  the  plague  is 
that?"  said  a  father  to  his  little  boy,  as  a  dog 
ran  past  them  with  a  muzzle  over  his  head. 
"  Well,  I  guess  it's  a  little  hoop-skirt?  said 
the  boy. 

No.   116.     Prepare  to  Pucker!  —  A   little 


170  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

four-year-old  chap  had  been  trying  a  long 
while  to  pucker  his  mouth  into  shape,  for  whis 
tling  a  national  tune,  which  he  had  just  heard 
upon  the  street.  At  last  he  gave  it  up,  and  went 
to  his  mother  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  exclaim 
ing,  "  Ma,  I's  so  little  I  tan't  make  a  hole  big 
enough  for  Yankee  Doolum  to  dit  out." 

No.  117.  Disinterested  Advice.  — rt  Mam 
my  ! "  said  another  little  fellow,  just  big  enough 
to  gobble  dough-nuts,  and  relish  mud-pies  and 
lollipop,  who  had  been  set  to  rocking  the 
cradle  of  his  baby  brother,  of  whom  he  pro 
fessed  to  be  very  fond  —  very  —  "  Mammy  !  if 
the  Lord's  got  any  more  babies  to  give  away, 
don't  you  take  'em." 

No.  118.  Rather  a  Paradox. —"What  is 
conscience  ?  "  asked  a  sabbath-school  teacher. 
"An  inward  monitor,"  was  the  reply  of  a 
smart  little  fellow,  not  large  enough  to  spell 

•* 

ratiocination  with  safety.  "And  what  is  a 
monitor?"  "  One  of  the  iron-clads."  Ergo. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  171 

No.  119.  The  Reason  why.  —  A  boy  of 
nine,  having  a  motherly  hen  with  a  large 
brood  of  chickens  to  watch,  undertook  to  sat 
isfy  his  mother  that  he  would  rather  be  a 
chicken  than  a  boy — chickens  were  so  much 
happier.  The  mother  was  obstinate,  and  so 
was  the  boy ;  but  the  next  day  he  happened  to 
come  across  a  copy  of  "Don  Quixote,"  with 
which  he  was  so  carried  away,  that  he  ran  off 
to  his  mother  to  tell  her  that,  on  the  whole, 
"  he  guessed  he'd  rather  be  a  boy  than  a 
chicken  ;  "  for,  "  if  I  was  a  chicken,"  said  he, 
"I  couldn't  read  'Don  Quixote.'" 

No.  1 20.  Retribution. — A  little  four-year- 
old  shaver,  living  on  Munjoy,  had  picked  up 
some  naughty  words  —  nobody  knew  where. 
But  his  mother,  to  cure  him,  was  in  the  habit 
of  touching  the  tip  of  his  tongue  with  a  little 
black  pepper,  until  he  seemed  to  have  aban 
doned  the  practice.  Only  last  week,  however, 


172  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

the  Old  Adam  broke  out  afresh,  and  he  ran 
off  to  his  mother,  saying,  "  Dod  dam  it !  Dod 
dam  it !  Now  dit  your  pepper-bots ! "  and 
then  rushed  to  the  table  and  grabbed  the  box, 
and  turned  it  up  for  the  prescribed  allowance  ; 
but  the  cover  came  off —  as  might  have  been 
expected  —  filling  his  mouth,  so  that  he  could 
neither  speak  nor  breathe  for  awhile,  and 
looked  upon  it  as  a  judgment,  and  has  now 
left  off  swearing  —  for  the  present. 

No.  121.  Influence  of  Example. — "I've 
done  it,  mamma !  I've  done  it ! "  screamed  a 
little  three-year-old  tantrybogus,  from  the 
top  of  the  cellar  stairs,  to  his  mother,  who 
had  just  left  the  kitchen  for  a  few  minutes. 
"Turn  and  tee,  mamma  !  "  And  sure  enough, 
he  had  done  it  !  having  upset  a  basket  of 
eggs,  and  smashed  them  all,  one  after  another, 
in  a  sort  of  ecstacv.  His  mother  had  been 

w 

preparing  for  a  batch  of  cake,  and  he  had 
been  delighted  with  her  treatment  of  the  eggs. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  173 

No.  122.  Appropriate  Language.  — 
"Auntie,"  said  another  little  three-year-old, 
one  day  —  "Auntie,  I  don't  lite  mine  apons 
tarched  so  drefful.  So  much  tarchess  makes 
the  tiffness  tratch  my  —  bareness." 

No.  123.  After-thoughts. —  Master  Frank 
was  in  the  habit  of  tumbling  out  of  bed  o' 
nights,  and  his  father  would  call  him  to  ac 
count  for  it  next  morning.  One  day  he  said, 
"  Well,  Frank,  and  so  you  tumbled  out  of 
bed  again?"  "No  I  didn't,  papa  —  it  was 
the  pillow;  for  I  went  up  to  see,  and  the  pil 
low  was  on  the  floor,  by  the  bedside."  "What 
made  you  cry,  then,  my  boy?"  "Well,  you 
see,  it  was  so  dark,  papa,  I  couldn't  tell  at 
first  whether  'twas  me  or  the  pillow." 

No.  124.  Baby  Theologians. — A  child  in 
the  sabbath-school,  on  being  asked  if  he  could 
mention  a  place  where  God  was  not,  an 
swered,  "  He  is  not  in  the  thoughts  of  the 
wicked." 


1 74  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

Another,  when  told  that  God  was  every 
where,  asked,  "  In  this  room  ?  "  "  Yes."  "  In 
the  closet?  "  "  Yes."  "  In  the  drawers  of  my 
desk?"  "Yes  —  everywhere  —  He's  in  your 
pocket  now."  "No  He  ain't,  though."  "And 
why  not?  "  "  Tauth,  I  ain't  dut  no  pottet." 

No.  125.  A  great  Mystery . — "There  is  a 
little  girl  in  Kentucky,"  says  a  respectable 
paper,  judging  by  appearances,  "who  has 
never  spoken  to  her  father.  She  talks  freely 
with  anybody  else,  but  when  her  father  speaks 
to  her,  she  is  speechless.  They  have  whipped 
her,  again  and  again,  but  to  no  purpose ;  for 
she  declares,  with  trembling  lips,  and  with 
tears  in  her  eyes,  that  she  has  often  tried  to 
speak  to  him,  but  could  not." 

No.  126.  Childish  Metaphysics. — A  grand 
son  of  the  governor  of  Virginia,  a  child  of 
only  four  or  five  summers,  was  on  a  visit,  not 
long  ago,  to  his  maternal  grandfather,  a  large 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  175 

landholder  in  Ohio.  One  day,  after  a  first 
visit  to  the  sabbath-school,  he  led  his  grand 
father  down  to  a  magnificent  tree,  heavily 
laden  with  walnuts. 

"Grandpa,"  said  he,  "whom  do  all  these 
woods  and  fields  belong  to?"  —  of  course  the 
child  said  who,  instead  of  whom;  but  that  is 
neither  here  nor  there. 

"They  belong  to  me,  Charley." 

"No,  sir  —  no!  —  they  belong  to  God." 

The  grandfather  said  nothing,  till  they 
reached  the  tree. 

"Well,  my  boy,  \vhom  does  this  tree  belong 
to?  "  he  asked,  as  they  stopped  underneath  its 
wide,  heavy  branches. 

For  a  moment,  Charley  hesitated  ;  and  then, 
looking  up  into  the  tree,  he  said,  while  his 
mouth  watered  visibly,  "Well,  gran'father,  the 
tree  belongs  to  God,  but  the  walnuts  are  ours." 

No.  127.     "A  touch  of  Nature  makes  the 


176  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

-whole  world  kin."  —  A  little  boy,  who  had 
been  tormented  by  clouds  of  mosquitoes  till  he 
could  bear  it  no  longer,  exclaimed,  "  O  dear 
me  !  O  dear  me  !  I  do  wish  God  would  kill 
the  mosquitoes  !  I  don't  know  what  I  would 
give  Him,  if  He  only  would." 

No.  128.  An  Etymologist.  —  A  Connecti 
cut  boy  insisted  on  knowing  what  was  meant 
by  the  slang  phrase,  "  a  gone  sucker";  and 
was  overheard  praying  soon  after,  on  being 
sent  off  to  bed — "God  bless  papa  and  mamma, 
and  baby ;  but  I'se  been  such  a  bad  boy,  I 
rather  guess  I'm  a  gone  sucker." 

No.  129.  "How  old  are  you,  my  dear?" 
said  a  railroad  conductor  to  a  little  gentle 
woman,  whose  mother  was  trying  to  pass  with 
a  half  ticket.  "I'm  nine  at  home,*' was  the 
reply,  "but  in  the  cars  I'm  only  half-past  six." 

No.  130.  A  fair  Inference. — Dear  little 
Mamie  H.,  who  had  just  got  over  her  sixth 
birthday,  was  studying  her  sabbath-school 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  177 

lesson,  when  her  mother  told  her,  in  reply  to 
some  question  she  had  urged  with  a  deal  of 
earnestness,  that  the  naughty  devil  was  black. 
"Well,  then,  mamma,"  said  the  child,  "if  he 
was  a  good  devil,  I  s'pose  he'd  be  white." 

No.  131.  Grandchildren  on  their  Good 
Behavior. — Bishop,  to  Nellie  peeping  through 
the  side-lights,  with  a  big  tom-cat  in  her  arms. 
"  Come  and  see  me,  Nellie." 

"No  — I  tan't." 

Bishop. — "  Come  come,  and  bring  the  cat 
with  you ;  I  want  to  see  her." 

"No,  no  !    Tommy  don't  like  Bishops." 

No.  132.  A  Baby  Spendthrift.—"  I  say, 
Bobby,"  said  one  little  youngster  to  another, 
"  lend  me  two  cents,  will  yer  ?  I  got  up  so  early, 
that  I  spent  all  my  money  'fore  breakfast." 

"More  fool  you." 

"  Wai  I  —  how  should  I  know  the  day  was 
goin'  to  be  so  long?  " 

12 


178  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  133.  A  Maxim  well  a$ filed. — 
"  Never  put  off  till  to-morrow,  my  dear  boy, 
what  you  can  do  to-day,"  said  a  watchful 
mother  to  her  inquiring  son.  "Yes,  mamma, 
and  so  we'll  have  the  raspberry-pie  now, 
that's  put  away  for  to-morrow  —  shan't  we, 
mamma?  " 

No.  134.  A  fair  Inference.  —  At  a 
sabbath-school  concert  in  a  crowded  and 
popular  church,  the  pastor,  who  prided  him 
self  on  the  quickness  and  cleverness  of  his 
little  ones,  said,  "  Boys,  when  I  heard  your 
beautiful  songs  to-night,  I  had  to  work  hard 
to  keep  my  feet  still ;  now  what  do  you  think 
was  the  trouble  with  them  ?  "  "  Chilblainth  !  " 
shouted  a  little  chap  of  six,  or  thereabouts. 

No.  135.  A  timely  Rebuke.  —  A  bright 
eyed  little  fellow,  in  one  of  the  Brooklyn 
private-schools,  having  spelt  a  word,  was 
asked  by  his  teacher,  "  Are  you  willing  to  bet 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  179 

you're  right,  Bennie?"  The  boy  looked  up 
with  an  air  of  astonishment,  and  replied,  "  I 

know  I'm  right,  Miss  V ,  but  I  never 

bet." 

No.  136.  A  dangerous  £>iiery. — A  pupil 
was  asked  what  S  double  E  spelt.  Being 
rather  slow  with  his  answer,  the  teacher 
grew  impatient,  and  exclaimed,  "  You  dunce  ! 
What  is  it  I  do  \vith  my  eyes?"  "O;  I  know 
the  word  now,  ma'am  —  S  double  E,  squint" 

No.  137.  Constructiveness. — The  Spring 
field  Republican  tells  of  a  young  gentleman 
who  doesn't  want  to  be  the  last  angel  God 
makes,  because  "he  wants  to  see  how  He 
makes  Jem." 

No.  138.  Imitation. — A  little  girl  at 
Keokuk,  Iowa,  was  lately  found  in  a  barn 
giving  trapeze  performances  to  quite  a  gath 
ering  of  wee  folks.  They  had  fitted  up  a 
trapeze,  with  an  old  clothes-line  and  a 


i So  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

broomstick,  at  an  elevation  of  twenty  feet. 
"The  party  was  broken  up,"  says  a  spec 
tator,  "  before  anything  else  was  broken." 

No.  139.  The  Tables  turned. — "Are 
you  talking  to  me,  sir?"  said  a  respectable 
man  to  a  little  scapegrace,  who  had  been 
holding  what  he  called  an  argument  with 
his  papa ;  "  I'm  your  father,  sir.  Remember 
that,  sir !  " 

"Well,  who's  to  blame  for  that,  I  should 
like  to  know  —  'taint  me,"  said  the  boy. 

No.  140.  Language.  —  A  bright,  clear- 
eyed  little  thing  of  three  summers,  after 
listening  demurely  to  a  chapter  of  the  Old 
Testament,  which  her  father  read  to  the 
family  aloud  one  pleasant  Sabbath,  looked 
up  with  the  air  of  one  who  felt  called  upon 
to  say  something,  in  the  dead "  silence  that 
followed,  and  whispered,  "  Papa,  ain't  God 
a  funny  fellow  ?  "  What  knew  that  child  of 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  181 

irreverence?  What  she  meant  to  say  was 
that  she  had  been  delighted. 

No.  141.  A  new  Paraphrase. — A  father, 
who  always  insisted  upon  his  children  giving 
their  version  of  what  they  heard,  in  their 
own  language,  to  show  that  they  understood 
it,  asked  Charlie  to  repeat  the  text  which 
they  had  been  listening  to. 

Charlie  hesitated  awhile,  and  then,  as  if 
it  had  come  to  him  all  at  once,  broke  out 
with,  "What  are  you  loafing  round  here  for, 
doin'  nothing?  Go  into  my  barn-yard,  and 
go  to  work,  and  I'll  make  it  all  right  with 
you." 

The  text  was,  "Why  stand  ye  here  all  the 
day  idle?  Go  into  the  vineyard  and  work, 
and  whatsoever  is  right,  I  will  pay  thee." 
Who  will  venture  to  say  that  the  poor  child 
did  not  understand  the  meaning? 

No.   142.      The    Darlings.  —  "  Mamma  !  " 


1 82  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

shouted  Lollipop,  "  make  Bobby  'have  him 
self;  every  time  I  hit  him  with  the  whap- 
stick  he  hollars  out." 

No.  143.  Another  child  was  once  heard 
calling  out  from  the  head  of  the  stairs  to 
her  mamma,  that  nurse  'f  wouldn't  quiet  her." 

No.  144.  Tit  for  Tat. — Another  wee 
thing,  after  complaining  of  her  teacher,  said, 
with  a  tap  of  her  little  foot,  and  a  something 
between  a  sob  and  a  whimper,  she  did  "wish 
Miss  Maria  would  go  to  school  to  herself 
awhile,  that  she  might  see  how  she  liked  it." 

No.  145.  A  fair  Inference. — A  little 
boy  and  girl  had  been  repeatedly  cautioned 
not  to  take  the  nest-egg,  when  foraging  in  the 
hay-mow,  and  along  by  the  fences ;  but  one 
evening,  little  Sis  found  her  way  to  the  nest, 
rather  in  advance  of  Bubby,  and  snatching 
the  egg,  off  she  started  for  the  house. 
Her  brother  followed,  screaming,  fr  Mother ! 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  183 

mother !  Susy's  ben  and  got  the  egg  the 
old  hen  measures  by  ! " 

No.  146.  Another. — A  little  bit  of  a  thing 
who  had  just  got  back  from  a  party,  was 
asked  by  her  mamma  how  she  had  enjoyed 
herself.  "  O  mamma  !  "  said  she,  "  I'm  so 
full  of  happiness  —  I  couldn't  be  no  happier, 
without  I  was  bigger."  So  reasoned  Samuel 
Johnson.  The  quart  pot  and  the  pint  may 
both  be  full ;  but  the  quart  holds  most. 

No.  147.  From  Over-Sea.  —  A  little  five- 
year-old  Parisian  went  to  church  with  his 
mamma.  Both  began  praying.  "  Mamma," 
whispered  the  little  fellow,  "  I've  said  my 
prayer."  "Say  it  over  again,  my  dear."  The 
child  obeys,  and  whispers,  "  I  have  said  it 
again,  mamma,"  and  gets  the  same  ans\ver ; 
and  so  for  the  third  time,  the  mother  not 
liking  to  be  hurried  in  her  devotions.  "  But, 
mamma,  I  have  said  it  over  three  times." 


184  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

"Say  it  again,  my  dear."  "But,  mamma  — 
won't  it  be  tedious  for  the  good  God  to  listen 
all  the  time  to  the  same  prayer?  What  if  I 
say  over  the  fable  I've  just  learnt  at  school?" 

No.  148.  Definition  of  Faith.  —  A  child 
was  asked,  "What  is  faith?"  "Doing  God's 
will  and  asking  no  questions,"  was  her  reply. 

Another  fair  Inference. — "Lottie,  dear," 
said  a  little  visitor  to  her  playfellow  of  three, 
"what  makes  our  Kitty  so  cross?"  "'Cause 
she's  tuttin'  her  teef,  I  spec." 

No.  149.  And  yet  another. — A  little 
thing  in  a  sabbath-school  was  asked  by  her 
teacher  "  if  she  always  said  her  prayers  night 
and  morning."  "No,  Miss,  I  don't."  "Why, 
Mary !  Are  you  not  afraid  to  go  to  sleep 
in  the  dark,  without  asking  God  to  take  care 
of  you,  and  watch  over  you  till  morning?" 
"No,  Miss,  I  ain't  —  'cause  I  sleep  in  the 
middle." 

No.   150.     Did  his   Best. — A   little   chap 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  185 

had  a  dirty  face,  and  his  teacher  told  him  to 
go  and  wash  it.  He  went  away,  and  after 
a  few  minutes  came  back,  with  the  lower 
part  of  his  countenance  tolerably  clean,  while 
the  upper  part  was  dirty  and  wet. 

"Johnny,"  said  the  teacher,  "why  didn't 
you  wash  your  face  ?  " 

"  I  did  wash  it,  sir,"  said  Johnny. 

"You  didn't  wipe  it  all  over,  then?" 

"I  did  wipe  it,  as  high  up  as  my  shirt 
would  go." 

And  this  reminds  me  of  a  little  boy  who 
had  been  told  never  to  go  into  the  water  with 
out  leave.  One  day  he  came  home  heated 
and  tired,  with  his  shirt  on  wrong  side  out. 
"You've  been  in  a-swimming,  Josie,"  said  his 
mother.  "No,  mamma."  "How  came  your 
shirt  turned  inside  out,  then?"  "Wai, "said 
Josie,  after  a  moment's  hesitation,  "  I  rather 
guess  it  was  when  I  got  over  that  high 
fence,  and  turned  a  somerset,  head  first." 


1 86  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  151.  A  new  Version. — A  boy  in 
our  District  School  was  reading  a  lesson 
from  the  Bible  in  that  deliberate  fashion  so 
usual  with  chaps  of  six,  and  when  he  came 
to  the  passage,  "Keep  thy  tongue  from  evil 
and  thy  lips  from  guile,"  he  drawled  out, 
with  a  decided  emphasis,  "Keep — thy  — 
tongue  from  evil ;  and  thy  lips  from  —  from 
—  girls."  Of  course,  there  followed  an  ex 
plosion.  "Job  was  an  oyster-man;  and  the 
Lord,  he  shot  him  with  four  balls,"  if  we 
may  believe  a  new  reading  of  what  was  in 
tended  for  Scripture :  "  Somebody  was  an 
austere  man ;  and  the  Lord  smote  him  with 
sore  boils." 

No.  152.  Children  and  Pooh  are  said  to 
speak  the  Truth. — "Be  you  good?"  said  a 
little  chap  to  Miss  Bella  M ,  of  the  sab 
bath-school  here. 

"  O  no  ! "  was  the  becoming  reply. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  187 

"  You  ain't !  well  I  knew  you  wasn't  pretty, 
but  I  always  thought  you  was  good." 

No.  153.  The  following  sweet  lines  are 
too  good  for  abridgment,  or  paraphrase.  I 
know  not  where  they  originated ;  nor  who 
was  the  author.  Was  there  ever  anything 
more  childlike  and  beautiful  than  "Mamma, 
God  knows  all  the  rest?" — or  ever  lines 
worthier  of  the  text? 

THE   UNFINISHED   PRAYER. 

"Now  I  lay  "  —  repeat  it,  darling; 

'  Lay  me,'  lisped  the  tiny  lips 
Of  my  daughter,  kneeling,   bending 

O'er  her  folded  finger-tips. 

"Down  to  sleep" —  'To  sleep,'  she  murmured, 

And  the  curly  head  dropped  low; 
"I  pray  the  Lord"  —  I  gently  added, 

You  can  say  it  all,  I  know. 

"  *  Pray  the  Lord '  —  the  word  came  faintly, 

Fainter  still  —  '  My  soul  to  keep  ; ' 
Then  the  tired  head  fairly  nodded, 

And  the  child  was  fast  asleep. 

"But  the  dewy  eyes  half  opened 

When  I  clasped  her  to  my  breast, 
And  the  dear  voice  softly  whispered, 

'Mamma,  God  knows  all  the  rest.'" 


1 88  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  154.  Natural  Language. — A  young 
ster  of  only  two  and  a  half,  who  had  often 
heard  complaints  in  the  family  about  pegs 
hurting  the  feet,  stole  up  to  his  mother  one 
day,  with  his  fingers  in  his  mouth,  and  said, 
"  Mamma  !  O  mamma !  Me  dut  pegs  tum- 
min  in  my  mouf,  and  dey  hurts  Billy."  On 
further  examination,  he  was  found  to  be 
cutting  no  less  than  three  little  teeth. 

No.  155.-  An  embryo  Theologian.  —  A 
little  boy,  disputing  one  day  with  his  elder 
sister  upon  some  Bible  question,  sung  out, 
"  I  tell  ye,  it's  true  !  for  Ma  says  so ;  an'  if 
Ma  says  so,  it  is  so,  if  it  ain't  so."  That 
boy's  career  is  evident  enough.  Submission 
to  authority,  and  sheer  dogmatism,  will  be 
likely  to  overtop  the  pretensions  of  private 
judgment. 

No.  156.  Budding  Subterfuges. — A  little 
girl,  belonging  to  Hartford,  Connecticut,  was 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  189 

called  to  account  one  day  by  her  mother  for 
killing  flies.  The  amusement  had  become  a 
serious  occupation,  and  her  dexterity  in  catch 
ing  them  was  only  to  be  matched  by  her 
astonishing  aptitude  in  killing  them.  Her 
mother  had  begun  to  be  frightened.  "  Mary, 
my  love,"  said  she,  "don't  you  know  that 
God  loves  the  little  flies?" 

Mary  stood  for  a  few  moments,  lost  in 
thought,  her  beautiful  countenance  growing 
sadder  and  sadder,  as  if  her  conscience  had 
begun  to  testify  against  her  in  a  whisper,  just 
as  poor  Herod's  might  have  done,  after  the 
slaughter  of  his  innocents.  At  last,  having 
apparently  settled  the  question  with  herself, 
she  stole  up  to  the  nearest  window  where  a 
big  blue-bottle  was  blundering  and  bumping 
about,  and  buzzing  at  a  fearful  rate.  After 
watching  it  for  several  minutes,  wTith  a  piteous 
expression,  as  if  her  heart  were  too  full  for 


190   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

speech,  she  began  whispering  just  loud  enough 
to  be  heard  by  her  mother,  "  Do  ee  fy  know 
dat  Dod  loves  oo  ?  Duz  oo  love  Dod  ?  "  — 
stretching  out  her  little  hand  as  if  to  soothe 
its  evident  terror.  "Duz  oo?  Duz  oo  want 
to  zee  Dod?  —  well,"  in  a  tone  of  the  tenderest 
commiseration,  putting  her  finger  on  the  fly, 
and  crushing  it  softly  against  the  glass  — 
"Well  — oo  sal!" 

No.  157.  A  young  Nero. — And  this 
reminds  me  of  something  told  me  by  General 
Fessenden,  the  father  of  all  the  general  Fes- 
sendens  we  know  of.  "When  I  was  a  little 
fellow,"  said  he,  "  not  more  than  so  high,  the 
Old  Adam  within  me  (what  we  Phrenologists 
call  Destructiveness,  he  meant)  led  me  to  pull 
off  the  wings  of  flies,  and  to  impale  them  on 
pins,  and  set  them  buzzing  at  the  end  of  a 
hair.  My  father,  in  passing  one  day,  stopped 
long  enough  to  catch  me  in  the  act.  'Nero!' 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  191 

.said  he,  and  passed  on.  'Well,'  said  I  to 
myself,  'what  did  he  mean  by  that?  Nero  — 
Nero  —  I'll  ask  somebody.'  I  did  so  —  found 
out  who  Nero  was,  and  from  that  day  to  this, 
have  never  tormented  any  of  God's  creatures  ! 
And  yet,  he  was  a  lawyer,  in  large  practice — 
and  I  believed  him  —  that  is,  I  believed  him, 
till  I  knew  better." 

No.  158.  Total  Depravity.— "Do  you 
say  your  prayers  every  day,  my  little  man  — 
every  night  and  morning  ?  "  said  a  mother  in 
Israel  to  a  little  reprobate  of  a  shoe-black,  to 
whom  she  had  just  given  a  trifle.  "Yes  'm, — 
I  alluz  says  'em  at  night,  mum ;  but  any 
smart  boy  can  alluz  take  care  o'  hisself  in 
the  daytime,"  was  the  reply. 

No.  159.  Infant  Theology. — A  visitor 
of  large  experience  in  sabbath-schools,  asked 
the  children  at  a  crowded  examination,  "What 
was  the  sin  of  the  Pharisees  ? "  "  Eatin' 


192   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

camels,  ma'am,"  said  one  of  the  smartest, 
who  had  carried  off  many  a  prize.  On 
further  questioning,  the  child  justified,  by 
referring  to  the  passage,  where  the  Pharisees 
were  said  to  strain  at  a  gnat,  and  swallow 
a  camel. 

No.  160.  Sabbath-school  Exercise.  —  But 
an  English  gentlewoman  once  told  me  of 
something  she  herself  had  witnessed  at  a 
great  London  sabbath-school  examination, 
where  a  celebrated  questioner  called  out  a 
little  bright-eyed  boy,  by  name,  and  asked 
him  why  Joseph  refused  to  go  to  bed  with 
Potiphar's  wife,  when  she  asked  him.  A 
dead  silence  followed,  and  then  a  look  of 
amazement  and  consternation  over  all  the 
house,  like  a  cloud :  "  'Cause  he  wan't 
sleepy,"  said  the  boy.  A  dead  silence  fol 
lowed  ;  and  then  a  most  unseemly  titter,  on 
every  side,  so  that  the  questioner's  indiscretion 
seemed  to  be  entirely  lost  sight  of. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  193 

No.  161.  Effectual  Prayer.  —  A  little  boy 
in  Jamaica  went  to  the  missionary,  and  told 
him  that  he  had  been  very  ill,  and  often 
wished  for  the  minister  to  come  and  pray 
with  him. 

"But,  Thomas,"  said  the  missionary,  "I 
hope  you  prayed  for  yourself?  " 

"  O  yes,  indeed  !  " 

"  Well  —  and  how  did  you  pray?  " 

"  O,  I  jess  begged." 

Another  child  in  a  Sunday-school,  only  six 
at  most,  said,  "  When  we  kneel  down  here  in 
the  school-room  to  pray,  it  seems  to  me  as  if 
my  heart  was  talking  with  God." 

Another  little  girl,  just  turning  four,  on 
being  questioned  why  she  prayed  to  God, 
answered  — 

"  Because  I  know  He  hears  me,  and  so  I 
love  to  pray  to  Him." 

"  But  how  do  you  know  He  hears  you?  " 
13 


194   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

Putting  her  little  hand  upon  her  heart,  she 
whispered,  "O,  I  know  He  does,  mamma, 
because  there  is  something  here  that  tells 
me  so." 

No.  162.  Tit  for  Tat.—K  pretty  four- 
year-old  midget  went  out  to  play  on  the  side 
walk.  When  she  returned  with  wet  and 
muddy  feet,  showing  that  she  had  been  some 
where  else,  her  mother  began  to  look  serious ; 
whereupon  the  child,  anticipating  the  worst, 
murmured,  with  her  head  in  her  mother's  lap, 
"  Now,  mamma,  you  be  dood  to  me,  and  I'll 
be  dood  to  you." 

No.  163.  A  very  -proper  Distinction.  — 
A  little  thing,  not  quite  old  enough  to  under 
stand  her  catechism,  getting  puzzled  over  the 
question,  "Who  made  you?"  went  for  the 
answer  to  her  mother.  Having  been  told  that 
God  made  her,  and  all  her  little  friends,  and 
the  whole  human  family,  she  lost  no  time  in 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  195 

communicating  the  discovery  to  Daisy  Dean, 
her  doll  of  only  one  summer.  Taking  the 
little  one  on  her  knee,  and  looking  very 
solemn,  she  said,  "Now,  Daisy  Dean,  look 
me  right  in  the  eyes :  I  want  to  tell  'oo 
somesin.  Dod  made  grampa  —  and  gramma 

—  and  me  —  and  papa  and  mamma;  but " 

after  a  pause,  and  shaking  her  head  slowly 
and  impressively  —  "but,  Daisy  Dean,  Dod 
only  sewed  you." 

No.  164.  Human  Nature. — A  boy  of  about 
five,  a  bagfull  of  bumble-bees  at  the  best,  when 
required  to  be  still  on  the  Sabbath,  getting 
weary  toward  nightfall,  went  up  to  his  father, 
who  had  no  little  of  the  Puritan  mingled  with 
his  affection  for  the  child,  and  said  to  him, 
with  great  seriousness, — "Come,  pa,  let's 
have  some  spiritual  fun."  This  was  a  little  too 
much  for  papa's  gravity;  and  so  he  let  him 
have  it  —  for  once. 


196  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  165.  Courtesy.  — "A  Brooklyn  friend, 
who  believes  in  catechism,  and  teaches  it  with 
unflinching  pertinacity,  worthy  of  Calvin  or 
Luther,"  says  somebody  — "  was  putting  one 
of  four  through  his  paces  one  day,  when  the 
question  came  up,  'Who  tempted  Eve?'  The 
little  fellow  answered,  after  some  consider 
ation,  with  a  look  of  triumph,  pointing  to  the 
floor,  'It's  the  gentleman  that  lives  down 
there  —  I  forget  his  name."3  For  "down 
there"  the  reader  is  at  liberty  to  substitute 
another  phrase,  if  he  happens  not  to  be  of  the 
mealy-mouthed. 

No.  1 66.  Doll-Factory. — A  preacher  in 
the  neighborhood  of  Lewiston  had  a  little 
daughter,  who  had  gone  into  the  business  of 
manufacturing  paper  dolls.  In  the  midst  of  a 
sermon,  lately,  he  drew  out  his  pocket-hand 
kerchief,  in  somewhat  of  a  hurry,  and  lo  !  the 
whole  air  was  filled  with  what  seemed  at  first 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  197 

to  be  Japanese  butterflies.  When  they  settled, 
however,  they  were  found  to  be  paper  dolls, 
about  fifty  in  number,  which  had  been  stowed 
away  in  his  pocket-handkerchief,  by  his  little 
one,  for  safe  keeping.  The  audience  appeared 
to  enjoy  the  rest  of  the  sermon  exceedingly. 

No.  167.  Undiluted  Orthodoxy. — A  little 
girl  was  much  in  the  habit  of  reproving  her 
dolls  for  misbehavior,  and  sometimes  after  a 
most  alarming  fashion.  Her  mother  over 
heard  her  one  day,  while  she  was  taking  the 
prettiest  to  task  for  being  so  naughty  :  "  O  you 
naughty,  sinful  child,"  said  she,  shaking  the 
poor  little  waxen  image,  "you'll  go  to  the 
lake  of  fire  and  brimstone,  you  will !  and 
you  won't  burn  up,  like  other  babies — you'll 
only  jest  sizzle." 

No.  168.  Puzzling  Questions.  —  A  little 
boy,  who  had  just  been  admitted  to  the  sab 
bath-school,  was  greatly  scandalized  at  find- 


198  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

ing,  on  his  way  home,  an  apothecary's  shop 
in  full  blast  at  a  neighboring  corner.  "  But, 
my  dear,"  said  mamma,  "  the  druggist  is 
obliged  to  keep  open  Sunday,  so  that  sick 
people  may  get  medicine."  "Why  !  do  people 
get  sick  on  Sunday?  "  "Yes,  just  as  on  any 
other  day."  "  Well,  good  people  don't  die 
on  Sunday,  do  they?"  "Certainly."  "Why, 
how  can  that  be?  Does  heaven  keep  open 
Sunday?" 

No.  169.  Childish  Faith.—  The  Portland 
Transcript  knows  of  a  little  four-year-old, 
who,  being  out  for  a  sail,  was  told  by  his 
mother  that  they  were  now  on  the  sea.  "  On 
the  sea,  mamma !  then  who'll  take  care  of 
us?"  "God,  my  dear — He  will  take  care 
of  us."  "  O  yes  —  I  know  —  he's  one  o*  them 
kind:' 

No.  170.  The  same  inquisitive  chap  could 
not  understand  how  two  boys  who  had  died 


t 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  199 

before  he  was  born,  could  be  his  brothers. 
Mamma  explained,  that  being  her  children 
they  were  his  brothers,  though  God  had  taken 
them  away  to  live  with  Him,  before  he  was 
born.  He  was  very  silent  and  thoughtful 
for  a  few  moments,  and  then  exclaimed, 
"O  yes,  I  see  —  /  used  to  -play  with  'em  tip 
there  in  heaven ,  before  I  came  down  here." 
No.  171.  The  Boy  and  the  Bobby  link. 
—  A  bird  lighted  on  a  twig  near  a  little 
rugged -and -tough,  hardly  old  enough  to 
make  himself  understood.  The  child  took 
up  a  stone  to  throw  at  him,  after  the  fashion 
of  older  boys.  Just  then  the  little  songster 
opened  fire  :  "  Bob-o'-link  !  bobbylink  !  won't 
you,  will  ye  !  will  ye,  won't  you  !  I'll  mend 
your  breeches  if  you'll  find  the  pieces — bobby 
link  !  —  link  —  link  ! "  The  boy's  outstretched 
arm  dropped  slowly  down  to  his  side.  "  Why 
didn't  you  let  fly,  sonny?"  said  a  stranger 


2OO   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

who  had  been  watching  him,  and  was  not  a 
little  curious  to  see  how  the  struggle  would 
end.  The  boy  shook  his  head,  with  a  sor 
rowful  air,  but  said  nothing.  "You  might 
have  killed  him  and  carried  him  home,"  said 
the  stranger. 

"I  touldn't,"  said  the  little  scapegrace. 

"Couldn't!  and  why  not,  pray?" 

" 'Cause  he  sung  so." 

No.  172.  Superfluities. — A  youngster, 
on  being  taken  to  the  window  of  a  toy-shop 
where  he  saw  a  papier  mache  mouse,  which, 
on  being  wound  up,  ran  hither  and  thither, 
and  whisked  about  like  a  live  mouse,  turned 
away  with  ineffable  contempt,  saying,  "  O  no, 
mamma,  I  don't  want  that !  we've  got  lots 
of  'em  at  home,  and  don't  have  to  wind  'em 
up,  neither." 

No.  173.  Imitation!  —  Two  children  of 
St.  Louis  were  "playing  butcher"  not  long 


L 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  201 

ago.  He  who  personated  the  ox  doesn't  go 
to  school  any  more.  One  blow  with  a  hatchet 
from  a  sturdy  five-year-old,  nearly  split  his 
head;  but  he  bellowed  so  frightfully,  as  to 
alarm  the  neighborhood,  and  bring  relief, 
just  as  the  hatchet  was  lifted  for  another 
blow. 

No.  174.  Soliloquies. — A  little  six-year- 
old,  while  undressing  one  night,  with  his 
arms  over  his  head  tying  his  night-gown 
behind,  was  overheard  saying  to  himself,  "I 
can  beat  Tommy  Tucker,  I  can ;  I  can  write 
my  name  in  writin' ;  I  can  tell  the  time  o' 
day  by  the  clock,  I  can  spell  Nebuchad 
nezzar,  yes  —  and  what's  more  —  I  can  tie 
a  double  bow-knot."  There's  a  reasonable 
amount  of  self-complacency  for  you !  He 
was  made  for  an  author,  and  may  soon  be 
getting  up  his  autobiography. 

No.   175.     Another  little   chap  under  four3 


2O2  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

_ . — 

while  wading  through  a  mud-puddle  after  a 
heavy  shower,  came  across  an  angle-worm, 
and  then  fell  into  a  reverie, — "Worms  —  they 
are  the  snakes'  babies ;  little  mices  —  they 
are  the  rats' babies ;  and  the  stars  —  they  are 
the  moon's  babies  —  don't  I  know  "  —  splash  ! 
splash  ! 

No.  176.  Capital  definition  of  Ha f pi- 
ness. —  A  six-year-old  school-girl  of  Norwich, 
Connecticut,  was  asked  for  a  definition  of  the 
word  "  happy."  "  O,  it  is  to  feel  as  if  you 
wanted  to  give  all  your  things  to  your  little 
sister." 

No.  177.  A  fair  Inference.  —  "Mamma," 
said  a  promising  chap  of  four  summers,  "  if 
the  people  are  all  made  -of  dust,  ain't  the 
colored  folks  made  of  coal-dust?" 

No.  178.  Not  so  bad. — A  well-known, 
faithful  teacher  of  Bridgeport,  who  has 
charge  of  an  infant  class  in  a  Sunday-school 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  203 

i_       y. 

there,  reports  the  following  case.  Not  long 
ago  he  was  talking  with  them  about  the 
origin  of  Christmas  :  — 

"Where  was  Christ  born?"  he  asked. 

/'In  Bethlehem." 

"Where  is  Bethlehem?" 

"In  Judea." 

"Who  first  kneVf  that  Christ  was  born?" 

"His  mother." 

No.  179.  As  the  Spirit  moveth. — A  little 
Quaker  boy,  about  six  years  old,  after  sitting, 
like  the  rest  of  the  congregation,  in  dead 
silence,  all  being  afraid  to  speak  first,  as  he 
thought,  got  up  on  the  seat,  and  folding  his 
arms  over  his  breast,  murmured,  in  a  sweet, 
clear  voice,  just  loud  enough  to  be  distinctly 
heard  on  the  fore-seat,  "  I  do  wish  the  Lord 
would  make  us  all  gooder — and  gooder  — 
and  gooder — till  there  is  no  bad  left."  Would 
a  longer  prayer  have  been  more  to  the  pur 
pose  ? 


204  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  180.  A  Non  Sequitur. — "What  have 
you  done  with  your  doll,  Amy?"  "Lock  it 
up,  papa ;  doin'  to  teep  it  for  my  itty  dirl, 
when  I  get  big,  jess  like  mamma."  "Ah, 
but  if  you  shouldn't  have  any  little  girl  ? " 
"Never  mind,  papa  —  then  I'll  dive  it  to  my 
gatf  chile." 

No.  181.  A  Toung  Protestant. — Not 
long  ago,  as  a  crowd  of  foreigners  were  pre 
sented  to  the  Pope,  a  little  American  boy, 
between  four  and  five  years  of  age,  was  led 
up  with  the  rest.  The  Pope  seemed  pleased 
with  the  bright-eyed  little  fellow,  and  lifted 
his  foot  somewhat  higher  than  usual,  that 
the  boy  might  more  conveniently  kiss  the 
cross  embroidered  upon  the  toe  of  his  sandal. 
The  boy  did  not  seem  to  relish  the  proposi 
tion.  Drawing  himself  up,  he  looked  His 
Holiness  full  in  the  face,  and  said,  with 
emphasis,  "No  sir,  I  won't  do  it!"  The 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  205 

Americans  and  English  who  were  present 
hardly  knew  which  way  to  look ;  but  the 
Pope  only  smiled  good-humoredly,  and  ex 
claimed,  Americano  ! 

The  venerable  man  is  said  to  be  "very  fond 
of  children,  and  very  indulgent,"  having  none 
of  his  own,  and  no  nephews  or  nieces,  to 
sfeak  of. 

Not  long  ago,  the  little  son  of  an  architect 
employed  on  certain  alterations  of  St.  Peter's 
Basilica,  for  a  coming  festival,  was  sent  by 
the  father  to  His  Holiness,  with  drawings 
and  specifications.  The  Pope  was  so  much 
pleased  with  the  plans,  and  with  the  spright- 
liness  of  the  little  messenger,  that  he  led  him 
to  a  secretary,  opened  a  drawer  full  of  gold 
pieces,  and  told  him  to  help  himself.  "  Holy 
Father,"  said  the  little  scapegrace;  "what  if 
you  take  'em  and  give  'em  to  me  —  your 
hand  is  bigger  than  mine."  The  Pope  smiled, 


206  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

and  took  advantage  of  the  suggestion.  So 
says  our  "Parisian  correspondent." 

No.  182.  Another  Word  for  a  Blow. — 
A  little  boy  and  girl  were  playing  on  the 
road-side  among  the  clover-blossoms  and 
butter-cups.  The  boy,  who  seemed  about 
five,  suddenly  took  offence,  and  gave  his  little 
playmate,  who  was  still  younger,  a  smart 
slap  on  the  cheek.  She  turned  away,  and 
sat  down  in  the  long  grass,  and  began  to  cry. 
At  first,  the  poor  boy  seemed  cross  and  sulky, 
as  if  determined  to  brave  it  out,  but  after  a 
minute  or  two  his  beautiful  eyes  changed 
color,  his  mouth  trembled,  and  he  said,  "  I 
didn't  mean  to  hurt  you,  Katy,  darling  —  I 
am  sorry."  The  little  rosy  face  brightened 
up  —  the  sobs  were  hushed.  "Well,  then, 
if  you  are  sorry,"  said  she,  "it  dorft  hurt  me" 

No.  183.  yust  as  the  Twig  is  bent,  etc. 
etc.  —  In  order  to  amuse  the  children  of  a 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  207 

sabbath-school,  the  teacher  began  reading 
to  her  class  the  story  of  David  and  Goliah ; 
and  coming  to  the  passage  where  Goliah  so 
boastingly  dared  the  stripling  shepherd-boy  to 
enter  the  list,  a  little  chap,  newly  breeched, 
up  and  said  to  her,  "Skip  that!  skip  that! 
He's  blowin'  —  I  want  to  know  who  licked." 
No.  184.  And  only  yesterday  the  follow 
ing  illustration  of  my  text  happened  in  Fore- 
Street.  Near  Gorham's  Corner,  two  little  boys 
had  set  themselves  in  battle-array  against  a 
third,  somewhat  larger.  They  were  all  in 
petticoats,  by  the  way.  At  last  one  of  the 
two  stepped  a  little  in  advance  of  his  com 
panion,  and  bending  his  arm  like  a  prize 
fighter,  sung  out,  "  D'ye  see  that !  jess  feel 
o'  that  air  muscle ! "  The  arm  appeared 
about  the  size  of  a  turkey's  leg,  while  he  was 
manipulating  the  biceps  ;  and  the  countenance 
that  of  a  trained  pugilist.  As  the  bigger  boy 


208  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

stepped  up  \&feel  that  muscle,  the  little  fellow 
let  fly,  and  sent  him  head  over  heels  into  the 
gutter,  petticoats  and  all. 

No.  185.  The  Gates  Ajar.  —  "Our  five- 
year-old,"  says  a  neighbor,  "  stood  looking  at 
the  new  moon  a  night  or  two  ago.  After  a 
long  and  thoughtful  pause,  he  turned  to  his 
mother  and  whispered,  f  Mamma,  O  mamma  ! 
Dod  has  opened  the  door  a  little  way.' " 

No.  186.  Inferential. — A  mother,  who 
had  with  her  a  little  daughter,  was  examining 
the  figure  of  a  horse  on  a  tomb-stone,  and 
wondering  what  on  earth  it  was  an  emblem 
of.  There  was  nothing  to  explain  it,  in  the 
inscription.  "Mamma,"  said  the  little  one, 
as  they  moved  away,  "  I  -shouldn't  wonder  if 
she  died  of  the  nightmare" 

No.  187.  Cafital! — Just  before  Washing 
ton's  birthday,  in  February  last,  a  teacher, 
while  notifying  the  class,  and  preparing  them 


.    Pickings  and  Stealings.  209 

for  the  holiday,  said  something  to  the  purpose, 
about  the  Father  of  his  Country,  and  then 
put  the  question, — 

"Why  should  we  celebrate  Washington's 
birthday  any  more  than  mine  f  " 

"Because  he  never  told  a  lie!"  shouted  a 
young  whippersnapper  near  the  door.  But 
as  he  didn't  vanish,  probably  he  didn't  mean 
it.  He  had  only  read  Weems's  "Life  of  Wash 
ington"  to  advantage,  and  didn't  care  who 
knew  it. 

No.  1 88.  Save  the  Pieces!  —  At  Winches 
ter,  N.  H.,  last  winter,  a  girl  of  ten,  the 
daughter  of  O.  L.  Howard,  coasted  over  a 
bank  twenty  feet  high,  into  the  Ashuelot  river. 
While  on  the  \vay  she  was  heard  saying  to 
herself,  "I'm  afraid  I  shall  lose  my  sled!" 
But  she  didn't,  and  was  none  the  worse  for 
her  ducking,  though  rather  damp. 

No.  189.  Sublime. — A  cowardly  scamp, 
14 


2io   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

though  fashionably  dressed,  having  kicked  a 
poor  little  newsboy,  for  trying  to  sell  him  a 
paper,  the  lad  hove  to,  till  another  boy  ac 
costed  the  "gentleman,"  and  then  shouted, 
in  the  hearing  of  all  the  bystanders,  "It's 
no  use  to  try  him,  Joe  —  he  can't  read." 

No.  190.  Constructiveness.  —  The  Belfast 
Journal  renders  an  account  of  a  young 
authoress  in  that  neighborhood,  who,  at  the 
age  of  nine,  has  written  the  opening  chapter 
of  a  sensation  story.  Two  of  the  characters 
are  described  as  twins,  one  five,  and  the  other 
six  years  old. 

No.  191.  Boston  Notions.  —  The  rector 
of  a  parish  in  Toledo,  Ohio,  was  lately  cate 
chizing  the  children  of  his  Sunday-school, 
and  asked,  "Where  did  the  wise  men  come 
from?"  "From  Boston!"  shouted  a  little 
wretch,  at  the  top  of  his  voice.  Upon  further 
inquiry,  it  was  found  that  both  father  and 
mother  were  of  the  Bay-State  faith. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  211 

No.  192.  Timely  Preparation.  —  The 
Lewiston  Journal  says  that  a  little  four-year- 
old,  while  standing  by  her  teacher  on  exam 
ination-day,  after  having  spelt  cat,  dog,  ox, 
cow,  and  some  other  monosyllables,  suddenly 
snatched  at  the  teacher's  watch-guard,  and 
whispered,  "  Please,  mayn't  I  be  'smissed  after 
my  class  gets  through  readin',  so  't  I  can  run 
home  an'  get  my  hair  fizzled  for  the  'mittee?  " 
Whereupon  the  teacher  'smissed  her. 

No.  193.  Conscience-money. — A  Sunday- 
school  teacher  was  in  the  habit  of  passing 
round  the  hat  among  the  little  folks,  for  mis 
sionary  purposes.  One  day,  he  was  thrown 
all  aback,  on  finding  a  counterfeit  shilling 
among  the  coppers.  Diligent  inquiry  being 
had,  the  little  reprobate,  who  was  only  ex 
pected  to  give  a  penny,  but  an  honest 
penny,  was  found  out.  "Georgie,"  said  the 
teacher,  with  great  seriousness,  "didn't  you 


212  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

know  it  was  good  for  nothing?"  "To  be 
sure  I  did,"  muttered  the  boy.  "  Then  why 
did  you  put  it  into  the  box?"  "Well,  I 
didn't  'spose  the  little  heathens  would  know 
the  difference,  and  so  I  thought  it  would  be 
just  as  good  for  them." 

No.  194.  Combativeness. — "Look  here, 
mister ! "  sung  out  a  lad  of  seven,  who  had 
been  treed  by  a  ferocious  dog ;  "  if  you  don't 
call  that  dog  off,  I'll  eat  up  all  your  peaches  ! " 

No.  195.  Childish  Faith.—  A  little  fellow 
with  his  first  pocket-knife,  had  it  in  use  most 
of  the  time,  for  several  days,  occasionally 
lending  it  to  his  playmates,  "just  to  whittle 
with."  One  evening,  after  he  had  been  got 
ready  for  the  night,  and  was  kneeling  by  his 
mother's  lap  in  his  night-gown,  he  finished 
off  the  usual  service  of  "Now  I  lay  me,"  with 
a  "please  God  give  little  Jemmy  Bailey  a 
knife  of  his  own,  so't  he  won't  have  to  borrow 
mine  all  the  time." 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  213 

No.  196.  A  Good  Lesson  for  Mothers. — 
A  bright-eyed,  active  little  fellow,  who  in  due 
time  made  his  way  up  to  the  desk,  used  to 
beset  his  mother,  in  season  and  out  of  season, 
for  a  coat  like  his  elder  brothers,  with  pockets 
behind.  To  all  his  importunities,  the  reply 
was  — "  Don't  be  in  a  hurry ;  you  are  a  little 
boy,  —  little  boys  don't  \vear  such  coats. 
When  you  get  to  be  a  man,  you  shall  have 
a  coat  with  pockets  behind."  After  awhile 
the  boy  had  to  go  to  the  springs  for  his  health ; 
but  he  shuddered  and  shrank  away  from  the 
cold  bath.  "Why,  Charley,  you  are  a  man  — 
you  shouldn't  be  afraid." 

"  O  yes,  I  understand,"  was  the  reply ; 
"when  I  want  pockets  behind,  I  am  only  a 
little  boy ;  and  now  that  you  want  me  to 
go  in  here  —  now ,  I  am  a  man." 

No.  197.  Funeral  Ceremonies.  —  The 
San  Francisco  correspondent  of  a  Sacramento 


214  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

paper  tells  the  following :  "  A  little  friend  of 
ours  found  among  the  gifts  of  Santa  Claus 
a  plump  little  waxen-doll.  She  christened  it 
Maud,  and  used  to  take  it  out  for  a  walk, 
every  pleasant  morning.  The  other  day,  on 
seeing  a  rag  of  orange-colored  merino  pinned 
to  a  stick  by  the  nursery-door,  I  peeped  in 
at  the  children,  but  was  immediately  served 
with  notice  to  quit,  by  Bobby,  who  seemed 
to  be  the  doctor,  or  a  health  committee-man ; 
for  f  Maud  was  tooken  dreadful  bad  with  the 
small-pox,  and  the  yeller  flag  was  hung 
out — didn't  I  see  it?'  Soon  after  this,  I 
heard  a  piteous  wailing,  with  a  sad  attempt, 
and  a  sadder  failure,  to  sing  the  sabbath- 
school  hymn,  '  Sister  thou  wast  Mild  and 
Lovely,'  after  which  there  was  a  little,  crooked, 
undulating  procession,  Bobby  carrying  the 
dog  and  Floy  the  cat,  wrapped  in  shawls, 
and  as  they  slowly  made  their  way  up  the 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  215 

hill,  into  the  garden,  I  understood,  from  the 
dismal  moaning  and  sobbing,  and  from  the 
melancholy  rags  they  bore,  that  the  under 
takers  were  '  performing'  a  funeral,  poor 
Maud  having  died  of  the  terrible  visitation. 
I  hurried  up  to  the  grave,  in  what  I  dare 
say  passed  for  unseemly  haste,  but  just  in 
time  to  save  the  poor  little  wax  baby  from 
being  buried  alive,  or,  at  least,  in  all  her 
bewitching  helplessness.  Upon  remonstra 
ting,  'We'd  ony  sowed  her  up  in  a  bag/ 
murmured  Floy,  ?  and  we  would  have  un- 
digged  her."3 

No.  198.  Glimpses  of  the  sabbath-school.  — 
"Gerty,  my  dear,  you  were  a  very  good 
little  girl  to-day,"  said  the  teacher.  "  Yes'm 
—  I  couldn't  help  bein  good ;  I  got  a  tifF 
neck,"  said  Gerty,  with  perfect  seriousness. 

"  Whos  that  a-bearin'?"  —  Tht  solemnity 
of  a  fashionable  church  in  Chicago  was 


216  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

greatly  disturbed,  not  long  ago,  by  a  little 
incident  worth  remembering.  Somebody's 
three-year-old  pet  had  been  often  amused  at 
home  with  pretty  good  imitations  of  a  bear, 
growling  over  his  prey.  While  the  congre 
gation  were  singing,  one  of  those  predeter 
mined,  zealous  worshippers,  to  be  found 
everywhere,  who  cannot  be  persuaded  to 
withhold  their  contributions  in  church,  though 
they  never  dream  of  pitching  a  tune  anywhere 
else,  began  a  low,  growling  accompaniment, 
within  two  or  three  pews  of  the  child,  without 
regard  for  time  or  tune,  though  evidently  to 
his  own  satisfaction,  under  an  idea  that  he 
was  singing  base  —  instead  of  basely.  The 
little  one  looked  surprised,  and  turning  sud 
denly  to  mamma,  asked,  in  a  voice  loud 
enough  to  be  heard  by  the  whole  congrega 
tion,  just  as  a  lull  occurred  in  the  stanza, 
r  O  mamma  !  mamma  !  who's  that  a-bearin'  f  " 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  217 

Will  nobody  take  the  hint?  Let  us  have 
congregational  singing  by  all  means,  instead 
of  oratorios  and  operas,  for  church  music  — 
but  no  menagerie  music,  if  you  please. 

No.  199.  A  Plea  in  Bar. — "Come  up 
here,  you  young  reprobate,  and  take  a  sound 
spanking,"  said  the  teacher,  out  of  all  pa 
tience  with  a  mischievous,  quick-witted  boy. 

"  You  ain't  got  no  right  to  spank  me,  and 
the  copy  you've  set  for  me  says  so." 

"Saucebox!  Let  me  hear  you  read  that 
copy ;  read  it  aloud,  so  that  everybody  can 
hear  you." 

Whereupon  the  boy  reads,  like  a  trumpet, 
:"Let  all  the  ends  thou  aimest  at  be  thy 
country's ! ' " 

"  Go  to  your  seat,  you  young  scapegrace." 

And  he  went. 

No.  200.  Foresight.  —  "Two  cocoa-nuts 
for  ten  cents  !  hurrah  !  "  shouted  a  little  shaver 


218  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

to  his  playfellow  across  the  street;  "that'll 
make  me  sick  to-morrow,  and  I  shan't  have 
to  go  to  school  —  hurrah  I  " 

No.  201.  /  -wouldrft)  would  -you?  —  A 
three-year-old  youngster  saw  a  drunken  fel 
low  staggering  through  a  crowded  thorough 
fare.  "Mother,"  said  he,  "did  God  make 
that  man?"  "Yes,  my  dear."  "Well,"  after 
considering  a  moment,  "maybe  He  did,  but 
I  wouldn't  have  done  it." 

No.  202.  A  drop  of  Gold.  —  "  Mother," 
said  a  little  poet  of  four  summers,  "just  hear 
the  trees  makin'  music,  for  the  leaves  to  dance 
by." 

No.  203.  Another!  —  A  little  fellow  was 
eating  bread  and  milk,  when  he  turned  round 
to  his  mother  and  exclaimed,  "  O  mother ! 
I'm  full  of  glory !  There  was  a  lot  o'  sun 
shine  in  my  spoon,  and  I  swallowed  it ! " 

No.  204.      Suggestive. — "She     said     she 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  219 

wouldn't  let  me  go  to  her  funeral,  grandma ; 
but  you'll  let  me  go  to  yours,  grandma, 
won't  you  —  there's  a  dear." 

No.  205,  Logical  Inference. — A  little 
boy  of  our  neighborhood,  with  an  eye  as 
clear  as  a  kitten's,  had  a  dog  named  Caper. 
Dining  with  his  grandmother  not  long  ago, 
when  they  had  boiled  mutton,  his  attention 
was  attracted  by  something  he  saw  in  the 
butter-boat.  "What's  them,  gam'ma?"  said 
he.  "  Capers,  my  dear."  He  looked  puz 
zled —  grew  thoughtful  —  and  watched  the 
plates  awhile,  and  then,  having  made  up  his 
mind,  he  came  out  with,  "Please,  gam'ma, 
I  want  some  more  o'  them  little  dogs."  Of 
course  he  had  them. 

No.  206.  Classification. —  "Who  makes 
the  laws  of  our  government  ?  "  asked  a  com 
mittee-man  of  the  class  under  review  —  a 
class  of  Lilliputians.  "  Congress."  "  And 


22O  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 


how  is  Congress  divided?"  A  dead  silence. 
At  last  a  dear  little  thing,  not  more  than  so 
high,  with  a  wonderful  memory,  threw  up 
her  hand,  thereby  signifying  that  she  was 
ready  to  answer  it.  "Well,"  said  the  teacher, 
"what  say  you,  Sallie?  How  are  they  di 
vided?"  "Into  civilized,  half-civilized,  and 
savage,"  was  the  triumphant  reply.  If  it  be 
true,  that  the  greater  the  truth  the  greater 
the  libel,  might  not  Miss  Sallie  be  indicted? 
Congressional  miscreants  are  getting  so  plen 
tiful,  just  now,  that  children  should  be  cau 
tioned  —  or  tongue-tied. 

No.  207.  Funny. — "There  now!"  said 
a  little  bit  of  a  thing,  while  rummaging  a 
drawer  in  a  bureau,  and  turning  the  con 
tents  all  topsy-turvy,  of  course ;  "  there  now  I 
gran'pa  has  gone  to  heaven  without  his  spec 
tacles.  Won't  you  take  'em  with  you,  gram 
ma,  when  you  go?" 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  221 

No.  208.  A  Natural Bonesetter. — A  little 
fellow  pitched  head  foremost  from  the  top  of 
a  coal-bin,  and  put  his  shoulder  out.  A 
surgeon  was  sent  for  "about  the  quickest."  No 
sooner  had  the  messenger  turned  his  back, 
than  the  boy  went  to  work  anew,  notwith 
standing  the  pain,  and  while  climbing  over 
the  back  of  a  chair,  as  if  it  were  a  ladder, 
he  got  another  tumble,  which  frightened  his 
poor  mother  so  that  she  hadn't  strength 
enough  to  scream.  But  lo  !  up  jumped  the 
young  scapegrace,  and  began  surveying  his 
arm,  and  shouting,  "It's  all  right,  mother! 
it's  all  right !  "  And  so  it  proved.  The  dis 
location  had  been  reduced  with  a  snap,  the 
joint  was  back  in  its  place,  and  the  young 
gentleman  was  ready  for  another  demonstra 
tion. 

No.  209.  No  you  don't!  —  Freddy,  be 
tween  three  and  four,  and  Willie,  about  five, 


222  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

were  both  extravagantly  fond  of  milk,  and  al 
ways  had  a  mug  of  the  best,  to  top  off  with,  at 
supper ;  but,  being  in  the  country  the  other  day, 
they  happened,  for  the  first  time  in  their  lives, 
to  see  a  girl  milking.  "There  now,  Willie," 
said  the  youngest,  "you  see  that,  don't  you? 
I  don't  want  any  more  milk  after  the  cow's 
had  it,"  averting  his  eyes  from  the  operation 
as  he  spoke,  with  an  expression  of  downright 
loathing.  At  supper,  when  their  little  mugs 
of  milk  were  got  ready  for  them,  both  refused 
to  touch  them.  On  being  questioned,  Freddy 
contented  himself  with  saying  that,  for  his 
part,  he  didn't  want  any  milk  after  the  cows 
had  it  —  and  there  he  stopped,  as  if  un 
willing  to  go  farther.  But  Willie  came  out 
plump,  with  an  account  of  the  discovery  made 
in  the  morning. 

Their  mother  saw  that  she  had  no  time  to 
lose ;     otherwise     an    unconquerable     repug- 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  223 

nance  might  be  associated  with  their  fondness 
for  a  wholesome  diet,  and  so  she  told  them 
how  milk  was  made :  that  they  did  not  have 
it  from  the  cows  at  second-hand,  but  that 
when  cows  ate  grass,  and  clean  vegetables, 
and  fruit,  they  were  all  changed  into  milk 
by  a  wonderful  chemical  process,  like  that 
which  turns  all  our  food  to  nourishment, 
giving  us  flesh  and  blood,  bones  and  muscle, 
according  to  our  growth.  Willie  seemed  sat 
isfied  with  the  explanation,  and  went  back 
to  the  little  mug ;  but  Freddy  was  not  to  be 
persuaded. 

After  supper  Willie  took  his  brother  aside 
into  a  corner,  and  was  overheard  expostula 
ting  with  him,  and  saying,  fflt's  all  right  now, 
Freddy,  and  you  can  go  on  drinking  your 
milk,  just  as  you  always  have.  The  cow  eats 
grass,  and  that's  what  makes  it.  Now  if  the 
cow  didn't  eat  the  grass,  you'd  have  to,  you 
see.  That's  what  the  cow's  for." 


224    Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

Freddy  went  back  to  his  milk  without 
another  word,  as  being,  at  the  worst,  some 
what  more  agreeable  than  eating  grass. 

No.  210.  Little  Pitchers  have  Big  Ears. 
—  A  child,  the  son  of  a  minister,  sat  on  the 
floor  playing  with  his  blocks  one  afternoon, 
when  two  or  three  female  parishioners  dropped 
in  for  a  dish  of  chat  with  mamma.  The  con 
versation,  after  a  few  moments,  turned,  very 
naturally,  it  may  be  supposed,  on  a  float 
ing  scandal  of  the  day.  They  had  entirely 
forgotten  the  child ;  but  all  at  once  recollected 
themselves,  and  came  to  a  sudden  stop,  and, 
looking  at  each  other,  tried  to  recall  what 
had  been  said. 

There  sat  the  little  imp,  busy  with  his  play 
things,  and,  as  it  appeared  upon  further 
inquiry,  after  the  visitors  had  gone,  without 
having  understood  a  syllable  of  what  had 
been  said ;  but  the  lively  chattering  stopped 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  225 

so  suddenly,  he  looked  up,  and  then,  turning 
over  and  rolling  on  the  floor,  as  if  unable  to 
restrain  himself,  he  sung  out,  "  Go  on !  go 
right  on  !  that's  jess  sech  as  I  like  to  hear, 
every  day ! " 

No.  211.  A  Hint  for  the  Doctor. — A 
little  four-year-old  midget  being  in  a  bad 
way,  was  called  upon  to  take  a  very  nauseous 
medicine,  and  was  sitting  in  a  high  chair, 
in  her  night-dress,  when  the  cup  was 
offered  her.  She  shook  her  head  with  a 
piteous  look,  and  then  said,  "No  no  —  me 
tan't  tate  it  so ;  but  me'll  tate  it  with  soogar," 
and  sent  off  the  nurse  for  a  lump.  Where 
upon  her  little  brother  rushed  up  to  her, 
shouting,  "  Take  it,  Sallie  !  take  it,  while  she's 
gone,  Sallie,  and  cheat  her !  and  then  hide, 
Sallie  — that's  the  way  I  do."  And  there 
upon  Miss  Sallie  gulped  down  the  abom 
inable  mixture  to  the  last  dregs,  without 

15 


226   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

winking,  only  saying,  "It  choke  Sallie,"  and 
then  scrabbling  clown  from  the  high  chair, 
and  scuttling  away  under  the  bed,  with  an 
occasional  chuckle,  and  popping  out  her  little 
curly  head,  her  eyes  dancing  with  joy,  while 
waiting  for  the  nurse  to  get  back.  When 
she  appeared,  she  was  welcomed  with  a  shout 
of  triumph  by  the  youthful  conspirators,  Miss 
Sallie  never  dreaming  for  a  moment  that  she 
had  been  bamboozled. 

No.  212.  The  best  of  Reasons. — "Break 
fasting  with  4  physician  the  other  day,"  says 
somebody,  whose  name  does  not  appear  in 
the  record,  "little  Julia  began  to  talk  very 
earnestly,  at  the  first  pause  in  the  conversa 
tion.  Her  father  checked  her,  somewhat 
sharply,  saying,  p  Why  is  it  that  you  always 
talk  so  much  ? '  '  'Tause  I've  dot  somesin  to 
say,'  was  the  reply.  The  solemn  papa  was 
obliged  to  look  another  way,  while  the  guests 
laughed  outright." 


Pickings. and  Stealings.  227 

No.  213.  Discouraging.  —  A  little  boy 
named  Knight,  of  the  mission-school  at  New- 
London,  was  told  by  the  teachers,  one  and  all, 
that  if  he  was  good,  he.  would  go  to  heaven. 
The  little  fellow  accepted  the  situation,  and 
evidently  did  his  best ;  but  the  next  time  he 
appeared  in  his  place,  he  seemed  down 
hearted.  On  being  questioned  by  his  teacher 
about  the  cause,  and  asked  if  he  had  been  a 
good  boy,  he  replied,  "Yes  —  IVe  tried  ever 
so  hard  to  be  good ;  but  it's  no  use.  The  boys 
tell  me  I  can't  go  to  heaven,  if  I  am  ever  so 
good."  "And  why  not,  pray?"  "Because 
they  tell  me  the  Bible  says  there'll  be  no 
Knight  there." 

No.  214.  Hozv  to  fix  it.  — Master  Willie, 
a  very  good  boy,  as  boys  go,  happened  to 
begin  going  to  school,  just  when  the  first  snow 
fell,  and  a  pretty  new  sled,  with  scarlet  run 
ners,  had  become  his  property.  About  school- 


228   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

time,  therefore,  he  began  to  have  such  terrible 
aches.  But  these  would  soon  pass  off,  and 
then  he  would  go  off  to  slide.  One  morning 
he  came  to  his  mamma  with  a  drefful  head 
ache  —  and  school  had  to  be  given  up.  "Very 
well,  my  dear,"  said  she;  "if  you  have  such 
a  terrible  headache,  you  can  stay  at  home  this 
beautiful  morning ;  but  remember,  you  mustn't 
ask  leave  to  go  and  slide,  for  I  shall  not  con 
sent —  I  tell  you  now."  "Yes,  mamma."  But 
within  the  next  half  hour  Willie  came  to  her, 
saying  his  drefful  headache  was  all  gone,  and 
would  she  let  him  go  just  this  once.  "No, 
Willie — you  know  what  I  said — you  wouldn't 
have  me  tell  a  lie,  would  you?  " 

Willie  turned  away  somewhat  discouraged  ; 
but  after  a  few  moments  his  little  face  bright 
ened  up,  as  with  inward  sunshine,  and  he  stole 
up  to  his  mother's  knee,  and  whispered,  — 
"No,  mother  !  No,  no!  I  don't  want  you  to 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  229 

tell  a  lie ;  but  couldn't  you  just  fix  it,  you 
see,  as  you  do  when  you  put  me  to  bed,  and 
say  you  are  not  going  out,  and  then  go  ? " 

No.  215.  Excuse  my  Candor.  —  "  What  a 
fine  head  your  little  boy  has  ! "  said  a  propitia 
tory  friend — a  phrenologist,  perhaps  —  to  a 
doating  father.  "Ay,  ay,"  said  the  delighted 
papa;  "ay,  ay,  he's  a  chip  of  the  old  block, 
ain't  you,  sonny?"  "I  guess  so,"  said  the 
boy,  "  for  teacher  says  I'm  a  little  block 
head." 

No.  216.  One  of  the  Uffer  Ten.—  "Ma," 
said  a  little  moppet,  "  if  I  should  die  and  go  to 
heaven,  would  I  wear  my  moire  antique  ? " 
"No,  darling,  \ve  cannot  suppose  we  shall 
carry  the  fashions  of  this  world  into  the  next." 
"Then,  Ma,  how  would  the  little  angels  know 
I  belonged  to  the  best  society?  " 

No .  217.  Catch  ing  th  e  Idea .  —  A  little 
chap,  on  his  return  from  church,  one  day, 


230  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

where  he  heard  an  organ  for  the  first  time  in 
his  life,  said  to  his  mother,  "O,  mammy, 
how  I  do  wish  you  had  been  at  church  to-day, 
to  see  the  fun.  There  was  a  man  there  pump 
ing  music  out  of  an  old  cupboard." 

No.  218.  Rather  embarrassing. — A  young 
lady — all  women  are  ladies,  you  know  — 
wishing  to  impress  upon  her  class  in  the 
sabbath-school  the  terrible  effect  of  Nebuchad 
nezzar's  punishment,  assured  them  that  for 
seven  long  years  he  ate  grass  like  a  cow.  Up 
jumped  a  little  boy  with,  "Please,  ma'am,  did 
he  give  milk  ?  "  It  is  said  the  answer  was  not 
forthcoming. 

No.  219.  Total  Depravity  again.  —  "O 
sister !  sister !  "  said  little  Mattie,  "  if  you 
would  only  let  me  swear  once  —  only  just 
once  1 "  her  heart  being  too  full  for  utterance. 

No.  220.  A  timely  Suggestion.  —  Mamma 
was  telling  Master  Freddy  about  the  sacrifice, 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  23 1. 

or  intended  sacrifice,  of  Isaac,  and  explaining 
the  illustration  which  appeared  in  the  old  fam 
ily  Bible.  There  lay  the  boy,  bound  hand 
and  foot,  on  the  altar,  with  the  faggots  heaped 
about  him,  and  the  great  sacrificial  knife  just 
ready  to  descend,  and  almost  touching  the 
nose  of  the  ram.  She  was  explaining,  to  the 
best  of  her  knowledge  and  belief,  the  necessity 
of  the  sacrifice,  and  the  providential  appear 
ance  of  the  substitute,  when  Freddy,  whose 
feelings  had  been  worked  up  to  concert  pitch, 
exclaimed,  "  Sheepy,  sheepy !  why  don't  you 
grab  the  knife,  and  run?" 

No.  221.  Tenderness  of  Conscience. — 
"Dad — I  say,  dad  —  Nathan  swored  last  first- 
day,  I  heard  him,"  said  the  little  son  of  Master 
Blair,  a  Scotch  Quaker,  I  once  knew.  "Ah 
—  an'  what  deed  he  say,  mon?"  "He  said 
Old  Scratch,  an'  I  heard  him." 

No .    222.     Beau tiful  —  exceedingly  !  —  A 


232   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

little  one  was  talking  about  home.  "And 
where  is  your  home,  dear?"  said  a  listener. 
Looking  up  into  his  mother's  face  with  lov 
ing  eyes,  he  whispered,  "  Where  mother  is" 

No.  223.  An  embryo  Metaphysician.  — 
"What  are  you  going  to  see,  Sherwood?  " 

"Nothing,  gran'pa." 

"Nothing,  my  boy  —  how  can  you  see 
nothing  ?  " 

"Easy  enough,  gran'pa." 

"Where  would  you  look  for  it?" 

"  Down  a  well,  gran'pa." 

"  Isn't  there  something  burning  here  ?  "  said 
the  mother  of  this  boy  one  day,  on  coming 
into  the  room  where  he  was  at  play,  and 
sniffing  as  she  spoke. 

"Yes,  mamma,"  sniffing  in  reply. 

"Bless  me  —  what  is  it?" 

"  Coal,  mamma." 

No.   224.     Influence    of  Example. — The 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  233 

little  son  of  a  friend  in  the  army,  had  learned 
to  curse  heartily,  whenever  anything  disturbed 
him ;  his  father,  of  whom  he  had  caught 
the  trick,  was  ordered  off,  not  long  ago,  to  a 
distant  part  of  the  country.  Being  separated 
from  his  boy,  and  having  had  time  for  reflec 
tion,  perhaps,  he  wrote  home  to  his  wife  that 
he  was  sorry  to  hear  how  little  Joe  still  con 
tinued  to  curse  and  swear.  "Who  told  him?  " 
said  the  boy.  "  He  says  a  little  bird  told 
him,"  was  the  mother's  reply.  "D — n  that 
bird ! "  exclaimed  the  little  scapegrace.  He 
was  only  six.  While  yet  a  baby,  but  just 
able  to  make  himself  understood,  an  Irish 
girl  came  rushing  in  to  the  mother  one  day, 
saying,  "  O  ma'am  !  he  keeps  a-sayin'  Jesus 
Christ,  in  the  barn!" 

No.  225.  Retribution. — "Tell  you  what 
'tis,  I  won't  pray  for  you  when  I  say  my 
prayers,  Willie,"  said  a  little  thing  to  her 


234   Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 


playfellow  in  the  next  house ;  "  and  Jesus 
won't  bless  you,  and" — after  a  little  hesita 
tion —  "  and —  He  shan't  redeem  you,  neither  ! " 

No.  226.  A  young  Poet. — A  little  four- 
year-old,  laboring  to  impress  a  sister  with 
the  prodigious  quantity  of  something  he  had 
promised  to  give  her,  said,  "You  just  turn 
the  sky  over  and  I'll  fill  it  full  —  chock-full." 

No.  227.  Literalness. — "/know!"  said 
a  little  boy  to  whom  his  mother  was  reading 
-that  passage  where  the  Lord  is  said  to  be 
walking  in  the  garden  in  the  cool  of  the  day ; 
"  I  know  !  Just  as  papa  does,  with  his  hands 
behind  him,  and  an  old  coat  on." 

No.  228.  Letting  the  delicious  Secret  out. 
—  Soon  after  his  mother's  second  marriage,  a 
little  shaver  reached  out  his  hand  for  another 
piece  of  sponge-cake.  Step-father  shakes  his 
head,  and  says  JVb9  after  a  fashion  that  seems 
to  admit  of  no  appeal.  "Well,"  says  the 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  235 

boy,  "  I  don't  care — only  we're  sorry  we  ever 
married  you;"  and  then,  as  if  concentrating 
all  the  bitterness  he  felt,  in  a  withering  out 
burst,  he  added,  "And  mother  says  so  too!" 

No.  229.  Their  Notions  of  another  World. 
"  Well  then,"  said  a  little  girl,  throwing  down 
her  book,  "  I  don't  want  to  die  and  go  to 
heaven  that  way ;  but  if  God  would  just  let 
down  a  big  basket,  and  draw  me  up  with  a 
rope,  I  do  think  I  should  like  it." 

No.  2.30.  Another  little  girl,  after  being 
made  to  understand  what  a  fost  mortem 
examination  was,  declared  that  she  would 
never  consent  to  be  so  dealt  with,  after  death. 

"  What !  when  it  would  be  such  a  help  to 
the  living,  my  dear?" 

"  Fiddle-de-dee  !  how  would  I  look  going 
to  heaven  all  cut  to  pieces?" 

No.  231.  Another.  —  Lottie,  lying  sick 
with  a  fever,  having  lost  a  dear  little  cousin 


236  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

not  long  before,  was  unwilling  to  take  her 
medicine,  till  she  was  promised  a  pair  of  ear 
rings.  By  and  by,  when  she  was  believed 
to  be  sound  asleep,  her  mother  was  suddenly 
startled  by  a  burst  of  loud  laughter.  Being 
asked  what  was  the  matter,  Lottie  said,  "  O,  it 
tickles  me  so  to  think  how  cousin  Hiram  -will 
laugh,  when  he  sees  me  come  trottin'  into 
heaven  with  my  new  ear-rings  !  " 

No.  232.  A  Justification. — "Golly! — • 
Gosh  !  —  Gracious  !  "  shouted  a  funny  little 
chap,  at  something  he  saw. 

"Why,  Bobby,"  said  his  mother,  "where 
did  you  pick  up  such  words  ?  " 

"  O,  I've  heard  you  say  Gracious,  mamma, 
and  the  golly-gosh  I  just  made  up  myself," 
was  the  reply. 

One  day  this  dear  mother,  who  had  expos 
tulated  and  pleaded  with  him  till  she  had  no 
patience  left,  said  she  could  bear  with  him 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  237 

no  longer;  she  wouldn't  have  a  little  boy 
round  her  that  used  such  language ;  and  so 
she  would  have  to  put  him  away,  and  try  to 
find  another  little  son.  In  the  bitterness  and 
desolation  of  his  heart,  Master  Bobby  went 
out  into  the  yard,  and  sat  down  on  the  grass 
to  have  a  good  cry  by  himself;  whereupon 
a  little  bantam  rooster,  not  understanding  the 
case,  flew  up  on  the  fence,  and  fell  a-crowing 
like  all  possessed.  "  Shut  up,  darn  you ! " 
blubbered  Bobby,  through  his  big  dropping 
tears ;  "  I've  trouble  enough  on  my  mind, 
without  you ! "  He  had  just  promised  never 
to  use  that,  nor  any  other  naughty  word  again, 
while  he  breathed  the  breath  of  life. 

And  for  a  time  he  kept  his  promise.  But 
one  day,  just  when  they  began  to  feel  greatly 
encouraged,  he  burst  into  the  room  with, 
"Oh,  mother!  what  do  you  think?  I  was 
coming  through  the  field  just  now,  and  a 


238  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

horse  was  tied  there  —  the  wickedest  horse 
ever  you  did  see  ;  an'  he  jist  stood  still  there, 
and  kept  sayin'  '  By  golly  !  '  and  '  By  gosh  !  ' 
and  '  Dod  darn  you  ! '  and  everything  else  he 
could  think  of.  If  you'd  a  been  there,  you'd 
a-whipped  him,  oh,  ever  so  hard,  mamma ! 
wouldn't  you?  And  so  would  I,  if  I'd  had 
a  whip."  His  mind  was  relieved. 

No.  233.  Fishing  and  Mousing.  —  "  Some 
years  ago,"  says  the  New  England  Corres 
pondent  of —  I  forget  what  paper,  "  my  cousin 
kept  a  district  school.  Among  her  scholars 
was  a  little  fellow  of  perhaps  four  years  of 
age,  but  too  young  to  speak  plainly.  One  day, 
when  all  the  others  were  hard  at  work,  this 
youngster  got  hold  of  a  pin  and  a  string. 
The  pin  he  bent  into  the  shape  of  a  fish-hook, 
baiting  it  with  a  morsel  of  cheese.  He  had 
seen  a  mouse  come  up  through  a  hole  in  the 
corner  of  the  hearth,  not  long  before,  and 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  239 

went  to  work  '  bobbing  for  whales.'  On 
being  asked  what  he  was  at,  he  answered, 
'  Fishin'  for  a  mousie.'  This  being  rather 
out  of  the  usual  course  of  study,  the  teacher, 
by  way  of  punishment,  ordered  him  to  stay 
where  he  was,  and  keep  bobbing,  till  further 
orders.  After  a  while,  there  was  a  commo 
tion  ;  the  mouse,  it  seemed,  had  swallowed 
the  cheese,  hook  and  all,  and  the  next  mo 
ment  Master  Jerry,  giving  a  sudden  jerk, 
sprang  into  the  middle  of  the  room,  and 
swinging  the  mouse  round  his  head,  shouted, 
'  I've  dut  'im  !  I  thware  I've  dut  'im  ! '  " 

No.  234.  Sunday-school  Conundrums.  — 
A  smart  little  chap,  with  a  wicked  eye,  on 
being  asked  what  was  the  chief  end  of  man, 
replied,  "The  end  what's  got  the  head  on." 

No.  235.  Inferential.  —  "Oh,  mamma! 
mamma !  "  shouted  a  little  shaver,  as  he  saw 
the  sun  going  down,  all  red,  like  the  opening 


240  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

to  a  furnace-fire,  "  see  how  hot  the  sky  is 
over  there  !  Santa  Glaus  is  bakin',  I  guess." 

Another  of  these  natural  philosophers,  in 
petticoats,  on  hearing  a  man  dump  coal  into 
the  bin  with  a  terrible  rumbling,  shouted, 
"  Oh,  mother  !  now  I  know  what  makes  thun 
der.  It  is  God  puttin'  coal  on." 

No.  236.  Coming  to  the  Point.  —  "  Tilly, 
my  love,"  said  a  young  mother  to  a  daughter 
in  her  fourth  summer,  "what  would  you  do 
without  your  mother?" 

"I  should  put  on  every  day  just  such  a 
dress  as  I  wanted  to,"  said  Tilly,  coquetting 
with  her  little  fan. 

No.  237.  Second  Thoughts.  —  "  O  papa, 
is  it  wrong  to  change  your  mind?"  "Well, 
no,  my  boy  —  that  depends  upon  circum 
stances  ;  but  why  do  you  ask  ?  "  "  You  know 
I  wanted  to  be  a  doctor,  papa,"  said  the  little 
five-year-old.  "O  yes,  I  remember ;  and  what 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  241 

then?  "     "Well,  if  you  please,  papa,  I'd  rather 
be  a  candy-store." 

No.  238.  Special  Pleading. — "A  friend 
at  Lewiston,"  says  one  of  our  newspapers, 
"told  his  little  Josey,  about  six  years  of  age, 
not  to  go  out  of  the  gate  again  without  leave. 
Soon  after,  papa  missed  him  from  the  back 
yard,  and  saw  him  a  long  way  off,  tumbling 
about  on  the  sidewalk.  He  went  after  him,  and 
taking  him  by  the  hand,  leading  him  toward 
the  house,  and  considering  the  question  of 
punishment  for  such  disobedience,  he  asked 
him  why  he  left  the  }'ard,  when  he  had  been 
told  not  to  do  so.  'Well,  you  see,  papa, 
you  told  me  not  to  go  out  o'  the  gate ;  but 
you  didn't  tell  me  not  to  climb  over  the  fence.'" 
Demurrer  sustained.  —  Plea  adjudged  good, 
and  no  respondeas  ouster  allowed. 

No.  239.     And   why  not?  —  "  Lottie,"  said 
a  little  visitor,   "what  makes   your   Kitty   so 
16 


242  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

cross?"  "Oh,  tause  she's  tuttin'  her  teef,  I 
'spec." 

No.  240.  Vagabondizing. — Two  Illinois 
chaps,  one  twelve,  and  the  other  only 
eight,  left  their  homes  not  long  ago  to  see 
the  world,  or  seek  their  fortunes,  without 
money  or  friends,  and  journeyed  away  off 
into  Iowa,  three  hundred  miles  or  so.  The 
father  of  one,  after  snuffing  about  for  two 
or  three  days,  got  upon  their  track,  and 
followed  them  to  Rock-Grove,  Iowa,  where 
he  found  them  pretty  well  used  up,  though 
far  from  being  sick  of  their  bargain.  They 
had  no  explanations  to  give  —  no  excuses  to 
offer  —  but,  so  far  as  could  be  discovered, 
had  no  reason  for  leaving  their  homes,  or 
running  away ;  and  they  had  actually  trav 
elled  the  whole  distance,  on  railroads  and 
stages,  without  money  and  without  price. 

No.  241 .       Strange  —  if  true.  — w  Harry  ! 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  243 

you  shouldn't  throw  away  nice  bread  like 
that;  you  may  want  it  .yourself  before  you 
die."  "Well,  mother,  and  if  I  should,  would  I 
stand  any  better  chance  of  getting  it  then, 
if  I  should  eat  it  now  ?  " 

No.  242.  Am  /  dead,  Pafa?  —  Many  a 
child  has  propounded  that  same  question,  with 
all  seriousness,  after  a  narrow  escape.  The 
first  words  of  a  little  boy  who  had  just  been 
fished  up  at  New  London  lately,  were  —  "  Be 
I  dead,  though  ?  " 

No.  243.  Enlisted  for  the  War. — A 
little  three-year-old,  whose  father,  a  clergy 
man,  had  presented  him  with  a  military  cap, 
all  "fuss  and  feathers,"  insisted  on  wearing  it 
everywhere,  and  at  all  times,  marching 
through  all  the  rooms,  to  music  of  his  own, 
hour  after  hour,  and  day  after  day,  until  his 
mother  found  it  worth  her  while  to  remind 
him  that  soldiers  didn't  train  on  the  Sabbath. 


244  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

Whereupon,  our  young  gentleman  started  off 
up  stairs,  left  foot  first,  with  a  new  tune, 
compounded  of  Hail-Columbia  and  Yankee- 
Doodle,  Mother-Goose  and  Bobby  link,  saying, 
as  he  held  on  his  way,  —  "But  Pm  a  soldier 
of  the  Lord,  mamma" 

No.  244.  Repeating  the  Colic. — The 
rector  of  an  Episcopal  Church  in  Albany, 
who  had  taken  the  greatest  pains  with  his 
sabbath-school,  and  prided  himself  not  a  little 
on  the  proficiency  of  his  scholars,  called  upon 
them  one  day,  after  a  whole  week  of  prep 
aration,  to  repeat  the  Collect.  A  dead  silence  : 
then  for  a  show  of  hands ;  not  a  hand  was 
lifted ;  but,  on  casting  his  eyes  over  the  little 
community,  he  saw  a  sign  of  encouragement. 
"Ah,  ha  ! "  said  he,  "I  see  a  little  hand  raised 
in  Miss  Annie's  class.  Please  repeat  the  Collect, 
my  dear."  The  poor  thing  seemed  bewildered. 
"If  you  know  the  Collect,  Fanny,"  said  the 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  245 

teacher,  "  why  don't  you  repeat  it  ? "  The 
child  blushed  and  stammered ;  but  on  being 
further  questioned,  said,  "  I  thought  he  wanted 
all  that  had  the  colic  to  hold  up  their  hands ; 
and  I  had  it  t'other  night,  and  father  had  to 
stay  up,  and  take  care  of  me."  To  repeat 
her  colic  would  be  no  joke  to  her,  whatever 
it  might  be  to  others,  and  she  was  probably 
excused. 

No.  245.  Instinctive  Perception.  —  How 
wonderful  that  children  so  rarely  misapply 
uncommon  wrords,  even  where  they  do  not 
understand  them  —  being  their  own  inter 
preters.  A  boy  of  nearly  fourteen,  wras  fish 
ing  for  trout  in  a  deep,  clear  brook.  A  stout, 
lubberly  negro  began  teasing  him,  and  throw 
ing  mud  at  him.  The  boy  jumped  up,  and 
swinging  the  fish-pole  round  his  head  with 
all  his  might,  fetched  the  colored  gemman 
such  a  wipe  with  the  butt,  as  to  send  him 


246  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

headlong  into  the  water  —  where  he  left  him 
floundering  —  and  cleared  out.  When  he 
reached  home,  on  being  called  upon  by  his 
mother  for  an  explanation  of  his  uncomfortable 
appearance,  he  told  her  how  it  had  happened. 
The  mother  was  indignant :  to  have  her 
boy  so  treated  by  a  nigger  was  too  much. 
"  And  did  you  brook  the  outrage  ?  "  she  asked. 
"No  mother,"  said  the  boy,  catching  the  idea, 
though  he  did  not  quite  understand  the  word, 
"  no  mother,  but  I  brooked  the  nigger" 

No.  246.  A  -puzzling  Qiiestion: — A  min 
ister  of  the  Gospel,  while  preparing  a  dis 
course  for  the  following  Sabbath,  stopped  now 
and  then  to  review  what  he  had  written,  to 
alter  and  erase  here  and  there.  "Father," 
said  a  young  theologian  of  about  five,  just 
entering  upon  the  ministry,  "father,  does  God 
tell  you  what  to  preach?"  "Certainly,  my 
child."  "Then  what  makes  you  scratch  it 
out?" 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  247 

No.  247.  Let  Brotherly  Love  -prevail. — 
Another  of  like  spirit,  under  five,  in  his  reg 
ular  evening  prayer,  remembered  his  younger 
brother  with  a  sob,  who  was  in  a  very  bad 
way,  after  the  following  fashion  :  "  Oh  Lord, 
don't  let  my  little  brother  die.  Help  Dr.  S., 
oh  Lord,  to  make  him  well  —  though  his 
parents  are  Democrats." 

No.  248.  Baby  Champions.  —  In  the 
"  Life  of  Aaron  Burr,"  by  Davis,  we  have  a 
little  incident  —  the  first  —  which  that  bad 
man  delighted  to  recall.  An  old  he-goat, 
or  a  ram,  I  forget  which,  came  at  his  little 
grandson,  while  yet  a  baby,  and  threatened 
him  with  his  horns.  The  child,  having  the 
blood  of  his  grandfather  in  him,  seized 
a  stick,  and  let  him  have  it  with  such 
effect,  that  the  animal  sheered  off,  greatly 
to  the  satisfaction  of  "  grumpa,"  who  saw  it 
from  the  window.  And  here  is  another  case 


248  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

in  -pint.  A  little  four-year-old  of  Mr. 
Cheney,  living  in  Ashland,  N.  H.,  was  play 
ing  on  the  front  yard  with  a  younger  sister 
and  a  pet  bantam.  A  large  hawk  suddenly 
swooped  down  upon  the  poor  thing,  fastened 
his  talons  upon  it,  and  would  have  carried  it 
off  but  for  the  child,  who,  seizing  a  hatchet 
he  had  been  playing  with,  fell  upon  the  hawk, 
and  pounded  him  till  he  let  go  his  prey,  and 
"skedaddled." 

No.  249.  Budding  Nature.  —  Matthews 
used  to  tell  a  story  about  a  little  boy,  who,  on 
seeing  the  cherubim  sculptured  in  Westminster- 
Abbey,  exclaimed,  "  O  mamma,  how  I  do 
wish  I  was  a  cherubim  !  "  to  the  great  joy  of 
his  mother,  who  had  to  spank  him  oftener 
than  he  thought  desirable ;  but,  on  being 
asked  wherefore,  he  said  —  almost  sobbing  — 
"'Cause  they  ain't  got  nothin'  but  wings  and 
head,"  rubbing  his  —  behind  —  at  the  same 
time,  with  uncommon  energy. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  249 

"Ah,"  said  another  little  chap  to  a  play 
fellow  who  had  just  been  sorely  trounced, 
"Ah,  ha!  I  guess  you  hain't  got  any  gran'- 

mother !  " 

•* 

And  again.  "Mamma,"  said  anotfSFTfSf 
tantrybogus,  "why  are  them  orphans  you  talk 
so  much  about,  and  pity  so  much,  the  happiest 
little  creatures  in  the  world,  arter  all?" 
"  They  are  not,  my  son ;  but  why  do  you 
ask  ? "  "  'Cause  they  hain't  got  nobody  to 
wallop  'em." 

No.  250.  A  definition  of  Pride. — "What 
is  pride,  my  dear?"  "Walking  with  a  cane, 
when  you  ain't  lame,"  said  the  little  four-year- 
old  to  whom  the  query  was  propounded. 

No.  251.  Liberty  of  Speech.—  "Chickerin', 
is  meetin'  out?"  said  a  little  fellow,  perched 
upon  a  high  fence,  many  years  ago,  to  Dr. 
Chickering,  on  his  way  from  church. 

No.  252,     The  same  little  rogue,  who,  by 


250  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

the  way,  has  gone  bravely  up  since,  leaving 
his  own  monument  behind  him  —  as  most 
people  do,  I  believe  —  was  crowing  pretty 
loudly  one  day,  when  I  was  going  by.  "  Hol 
loa  there  !  "  said  I,  "Holloa  !  I  can  lick  you, 
Sam  Fessenden!" 

"Well  — I'll  tell  you  what  you  can't  do!" 
said  he. 

"What  is  it?" 

"You  can't  give  me  a  rockin'-horse." 

No.  253.  Admirable  Definition.  — At  one 
of  the  ragged  schools  of  Ireland,  a  clergy 
man  asked,  "What  is  holiness?" 

A  dirty,  ragged  little  wretch  jumped  up, 
and  sung  out,  "Plase  your  riverence,  it's  bein 
clane  inside." 

No.  254.  Another. — A  boy,  eight  years 
old,  having  been  told  that  a  reptile  is  an  ani 
mal  that  creeps,  and  being  asked  on  examina 
tion-day  to  name  one,  answered,  without 
winking,  "A  baby." 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  251 

No.  255.  A  Young  Butcher. — A  boy  in 
New  York,  only  five  years  old,  having  heard 
papa  say  that  he  wished  the  two  calves  they 
had  in  the  barn  were  killed,  got  a  hammer, 
and  going  to  the  barn  by  himself,  succeeded 
in  killing  them  both ;  and  returned  to  the 
house  to  tell  the  story — to  report  progress  and 
ask  leave  to  sit  again,  as  we  say  at  Washing 
ton,  after  a  similar  feat. 

No.  256.  Flat  Contradiction.  —"What's 
that?"  said  a  school-master,  pointing  to  the 
letter  X.  "It's  daddy's  name,"  said  the  boy. 
"No,  you  little  blockhead,  it's  X."  "Tain't 
X,  neither,"  said  the  boy  ;  "  it's  daddy's  name, 
for  I  seed  him  write  it  many  a  time." 

No.  257.  A  delicate  Scruple. — "Oh, 
mamma! "said  a  little  chap,  the  other  day, 
who  had  been  listening  to  her  conversation 
with  a  neighboring  gossip ;  "  did  you  say  I 
was  born  a-Sunday  ?  " 


252  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

"Yes,  my  child." 

"Ain't  I  wicked,  mamma?  " 

"Why,  what  makes  you  ask  such  a  ques 
tion,  Bobby?" 

"Well,  ain't  I  a  sabbath-breaker,  for  bein 
born  a-Sunday?  But,  mamma,  I  didn't  mean 
to  —  I'm  sure  I  didn't." 

No.  258.  A  desirable  Parentage.  —  A 
crowd  of  dirty,  ragged  little  creatures  were 
loitering  about  the  large  show-window  of  a 
confectionery-shop.  "  O  my  !  don't  I  wish  he 
was  my  father  ! "  said  a  little  barefooted  girl, 
with  her  fist  in  her  mouth.  Was  her  sincerity 
to  be  doubted? 

No.  259.  Not  to  be  mealy-mouthed.  — 
"  I  dare  say  when  you  get  back  to  mamma, 
Charlie,  my  boy,  she'll  have  a  nice  present 
for  you.  What  would  you  like  best,  Charlie  ? 
a  little  brother,  or  a  little  sister?  "  "  Well  now, 
Uncle  George,"  after  considering  awhile,  "if 


Pickings  and  Stealings.          '     253 

it  makes  no  difference  to  Ma,  I'd  rather  have 
a  pony." 

No.  260.  High-school  Training.  —  "I  say, 
Ma  !  do  you  know  what  the  pyro  —  pyro  — 
pyrotechnical  remedy  is,  for  a  crying  baby?  " 
said  a  little  miss  of  thirteen,  with  cherry  lips 
and  roguish  eyes. 

"  Gracious  goodness  me  !  no ;  I  never  heard 
of  such  a  thing." 

"  Well,  ma  —  it's  rock-it!  " 

No.  261.  School  Exercises. — "Well, 
Maggie,  what  do  they  do  at  school?  "  "  They 
whips  me."  "And  then  what  do  you  do?" 
"  I  tingle,  skeam,  and  dance."  Another  group 
of  three  were  questioned.  The  oldest  said, 
"  He  had  to  get  grammar,  arithmetic,  geogra 
phy,"  etc.,  etc.  The  second,  that  he  "got 
readin',  spellin',  and  dtffimtions."  "  And  what 
do  you  get  my  little  man?  "  —  to  Master  Jack, 
who  happened  just  then  to  be  spearing  the  cat 


254  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

with  a  wooden  sword.  "  Oh,  I  gets  lots  —  I 
gets  readin',  and  spellin',  and  spankin' ;  and 
then  I  gets  up  in  the  mornin'  —  sometimes." 

No.  262.  Childish  Inferences. — "Come 
'now,  children,  speak  up  !  What  is  it  that  makes 
the  sea,  salt?"  "Codfish!"  screamed  a  boy 
from  a  distant  corner  of  the  room ;  "  Cod 
fish  ! "  as  if  he  were  crying  the  article  to  a 
Down-East  population,  Saturday  morning. 

No.  263.  Great  Forbearance. — "O,  Ma," 
said  a  little  creature,  who  had  been  allowed  to 
stay  at  communion  for  the  first  time,  "what  do 
you  think  !  a  man  went  round  with  a  plateful 
of  money,  and  offered  it  to  everybody  in  our 
pew  ;  but  I  didn't  take  any." 

No.  264.  A  gentle  rebuke  for  the  Earl  of- — , 
a  pompous  and  niggardly  gentleman,  who  per 
sonally  superintends  the  dairy  where  he  lives, 
and  actually  sells  the  milk  to  the  children  with 
his  own  hands. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  255 

One  morning,  a  pretty  child,  standing  a-tip- 
toe,  with  her  pitcher  and  penny  held  up, 
caught  the  eyes  of  this  nobleman.  "Now," 
said  he,  "my  pretty  lass  —  now?  patting  her 
on  the  head,  and  giving  her  a  kiss  —  "now, 
you  may  tell,  as  long  as  you  live,  that  you 
have  been  kissed  by  an  Earl." 

"O  yes  —  but  you  took  the  penny,  though," 
said  the  little  witch,  innocently  enough,  I  dare 
say.  But  what  became  of  the  Earl  ?  Nobody 
knows.  It  was  a  long  while  ago. 

No.  265.  Where  do  all  the  Cooks  go  f  — 
A  capital  housekeeper  having  discharged  her 
cook  with  emphasis,  exclaimed,  "Well,  thank 
heaven !  there  are  no  cooks  in  the  other 
world."  Which  other  world  did  she  mean, 
think  you?  Her  little  girl  seemed  puzzled; 
but,  after  thinking  awhile,  said,  :'  Well, 
mamma,  then  who  cooks  wash-days?  for  you 
know  they  must  have  a  big  wash,  as  they 
always  wear  white." 


256    Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  266.  More  Sabbath-school  Exercises. 
—  "Where  was  John  Rogers  burned?  —  tell 
me  now,"  said  a  teacher,  in  a  voice  that  filled 
the  room,  and  startled  the  listeners  at  the  door. 
"Couldn't  tell,"  said  the  first.  No  answer 
from  the  next.  "Joshua  knows,"  whispered 
a  little  thing  at  the  head  of  her  class.  "Well, 
then,  if  Joshua  knows,  he  may  tell,"  said 
the  teacher.  "  In  the  fire,"  shouted  Joshua, 
with  a  look  of  imperturbable  self-complacency. 

No.  267.  Just  as  the  twig  is  bent,  etc.,  etc. 
— A  little  shaver,  living  in  Walcott,  Maine, 
aged  only  five  years,  having  well  considered 
the  subject  of  earning  his  bread,  went  to  a 
farmer  and  offered  his  services.  He  was  put 
to  raking  hay,  and  persevered  as  long  as  the 
rest,  and  went  home  to  his  happy  mother  in 
the  evening,  with  a  silver  dollar  in  his  pocket. 
And  where  did  he  get  it?  some  lazy  little 
Jackanapes  will  ask,  I  dare  say.  Go  to  your 
mother,  child. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  257 

No.  268.  Them's  my  Sentiments. — A  six- 
year-old  boy  was  set  to  work  upon  what  is 
called  a  "  composition,"  all  about  water.  He 
wrote  as  follows:  "Water  is  good  to  drink. 
Water  is  good  to  paddle  in  and  swim  in,  and  to 
skate  on  when  it  grows  hard  in  winter.  When 
I  was  a  little  wee  baby,  nurse  used  to  wash 
me  every  morning  in  cold  water  —  ugh  I  I 
have  heard  tell  the  Injuns  only  wash  them 
selves  once  in  ten  years.  I  wish  I  was  an 
Injun." 

No.  269.  Arithmetic  made  easy.  —  "Peter 
—  I  say,  Peter  !  what  are  you  doing  with  that 
boy?"  "Helping  him  in  'rethmetic,  sir." 
"  How  helping  him  ?  "  "  He  wanted  to  know  if 
I  took  ten  from  seventeen,  how  many  would  be 
left ;  and  so  I  took  ten  of  his  apples  to  show 
him,  an'  now  he  wants  'em  back." 

"And  why  don't  you  give  'em  back,  hey? " 

"  'Cause  I  want  him  to  remember  how  many 
was  left."  i? 


258  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  270.  Scripture  and  Poetry. — While 
a  poor  mother  was  moaning  over  her  wretch 
edness  and  helplessness,  fearing  that  she  would 
have  to  go  to  the  workhouse,  her  little  boy 
looked  up  from  his  pile  of  blocks  in  the 
chimney-corner,  and  murmured,  "Mamma, 
I  think  God  hears,  when  we  scrape  the  bottom 
of  the  barrel." 

No.  271.  A  glorious  Boy.  —  The  play 
mates  of  a  small  boy  were  trying  to  persuade 
him  to  take  a  handful  or  two  of  cool,  ripe 
cherries,  from  a  tree  overhanging  the  stone 
wall,  where  they  were  sitting  together  in  the 
hot  sunshine. 

"  What  are  you  afeard  of?  "  said  the  largest, 
"  for  if  your  father  should  find  it  out,  he  is  so 
kind,  he  wouldn't  punish  you." 

"  That's  the  very  reason  why  I  wouldn't 
touch  'em,"  said  the  dear  little  fellow,  in  reply. 

No.  272.     Physics  and  Metaphysics. — An 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  259 

amiable  professor,  in  France,  was  laboring  to 
explain  that  theory,  according  to  which  the 
body  is  entirely  renewed  every  six  years,  giv 
ing  for  illustration  the  experiment  made  with  a 
pig,  by  feeding  it  on  madder  till  its  bones  were 
colored  through  and  through,  and  other  cases. 
"  And  so,  mam'selle,"  said  he,  addressing  a 
pretty  little  blonde  with  a  roguish  face,  "in  six 
years  you  will  be  no  longer  Mademoiselle 
F ." 

"I  hope  so,"  murmured  Mam'selle  F.,  cast 
ing  down  her  eyes,  and  peering  up  at  him 
through  her  long  lashes.  Evidently  she 
had  somewhat  misunderstood  her  teacher. 

No.  273.  Too  good  to  be  true. — A  little 
boy  having  broken  his  rocking-horse  the  very 
day  it  was  brought  home,  his  mother  began 
scolding  him.  "Why,  mamma,"  said  he, 
with  a  mischievous  giggle,  as  if  he  understood 
the  joke,  and  meant  it,  "What's  the  use  of  a 
horse  afore  he's  broke?" 


260  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  274.  True^  beyond  all  question. — 
Said  somebody  to  a  little  moppet,  as  she  sat 
on  the  door-step  playing  with  her  kitten  and 
her  doll,  "Which  do  you  love  best,  darling, 
your  kitten  or  your  doll  ?  " 

After  looking  serious  for  a  minute  or  two, 
she  leaned  over  and  whispered,  "  I  love  Kitty 
best,  but  please  don't  tell  Dolly." 

No.  275.  A  slight  Misapprehension. — 
Three  little  negroes  were  lately  baptized  by 
our  friend,  Mr.  C.,  of  the  new  Protestant 
Cathedral.  After  the  ceremony  was  over,  one 
of  them  whispered  to  its  mother,  "  You  don't 
mind  it,  mamma,  do  you,  'cause  he  baptized 
us  in  his  night-gown  ?  " 

No.  276.  A  Natural  Curiosity. — A  dear 
little  six-year-old  was  going  by  a  church  with 
her  father.  "What  house  is  that?"  asked 
the  child.  "That  is  the  Dutch  Church," 
said  papa ;  "  people  go  there  to  be  good,  so 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  261 

that,  after  a  while,  they  may  be  angels." 
"  Hi !  then  there'll  be  Dutch  angels,  papa  \  " 

No.  277.  Much  to  the  Point. — A  sab 
bath-school  teacher  had  been  reading  to  her 
class  the  beautiful  story  of  Ruth — with  a 
running  accompaniment.  Wishing  to  call 
their  attention  to  the  kindness  of  the  princely 
husbandman,  in  ordering  the  reapers  to  drop 
here  and  there  a  handful  of  wheat,  she  said, 
"  Now,  children,  Boaz  did  another  nice  thing 
for  poor  Ruth  :  can  you  tell  me  what  it  was  ?  " 
"To  be  sure  I  can,"  said  a  little  fellow,  a 
long  way  off;  —  "  he  married  her" 

No.  278.  A  new  Currency. — Our  Sallie, 
a  pleasant,  active,  sprightly  little  thing,  just 
old  enough  to  make  herself  understood,  partly 
by  pantomime  and  partly  by  lisping,  came 
in  all  of  a  glow,  saying,  — 

"O  mamma!  mamma!  Me  jess  buyed  a 
itte  paper-doll." 


262  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

"  Indeed  !  and  where  did  you  buy  it?  " 

"O,  jess  down  here,  in  a  defful  big  store; 
me  toot  a  ittle  dirl  in  me's  hand." 

"And  where  did  you  get  your  money  to 
pay  for  it?" 

"O,  me  didn't  buy  it  for  money,  mamma  — 
me  jess  gived  the  gemman  a  fower  to  pay 
for  it." 

And  sure  enough  !  Upon  further  inquiry, 
it  turned  out  that  the  little  midget  had  entered 
a  large  store,  made  her  way  into  the  back 
part — one  of  the  largest  establishments  in 
Brooklyn,  by  the  way  —  and  seeing  some 
paper-dolls  in  hand,  wanted  to  buy  one ; 
but  having  no  money,  offered  a  flower  she 
had  just  gathered  on  the  way,  which  the 
shopman  received  with  all  seriousness,  re 
garding  it  as  a  lawful  tender. 

No.  279.  A  new  handle  for  Pussy.  — 
Little  three  -  year  -  old  Mary  was  playing 
roughly  with  her  pet  kitten.  After  pulling 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  263 

its  ears,  she  began  carrying  it  by  the  tail. 
"  Baby,  dear,"  said  her  mother,  "  you  hurt 
pussy."  "No  I  don't,  mamma  —  'cause  I'm 
carry  in'  it  by  the  handle." 

No.  280.  A  new  Puzzle. — A  pretty  little 
thing  under  five,  on  being  questioned  by  her 
mother  about  her  Bible  lesson,  was  asked, 
among  other  matters,  why  the  Lord  wouldn't 
let  Adam  and  his  wife  eat  of  the  forbidden 
fruit;  and  answered,  that  she  "didn't  know 
for  certain,  but  rather  thought,  maybe  He 
wanted  to  can  it  for  his  own  use." 

No.  281.  More  Logic.  —  In  our  Putnam 
for  October,  there  are  two  charming  little 
manifestations  of  boyish  character  and  boyish 
reasoning.  A  chap  of  only  five,  soon  after 
the  fire  at  Barnum's  Museum,  which  he  had 
investigated,  was  very  anxious  to  know  if 
there  really  were  any  such  creatures  as 
devils,  "with  horns,  hoofs,  bats'-wings  and 


264  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

eagles'  claws  "  —  he  had  just  been  looking  at 
an  illustrated  Pilgrim's  Progress.  Mamma 
tried  to  put  him  off,  but  in  vain.  At  last,  he 
broke  out  with,  "Well  —  I  don't  believe  there 
is  any,  for  Barnum  would  be  sure  to  have 
one."  And  then,  after  another  glance  at  the 
illustration,  he  added,  "  How  funny  he  would 
look  in  a  cage,  with  his  horns  and  tail ! " 

The  same  little  fellow  hid  his  face  in  his 
mother's  lap  one  day,  while  it  thundered. 
To  soothe  him,  his  mother  explained  the  phe 
nomena  of  thunder  and  lightning.  A  lull 
followed,  and  he  ran  off  to  play  in  a  distant 
corner  of  the  room.  Then  followed  another 
burst,  louder  than  usual.  Back  he  ran  to 
his  mother,  exclaiming,  "  I  don't  see  what 
fun  'tis  for  God  to  go  thunderin'  round  so ! " 
Of  course  hot. 

No.  282.  Natural  History. — According 
to  Peter  Pindar,  Sir  Joseph  Banks'  fleas  were 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  265 

lobsters  till  he  boiled  them,  when  "d — d  a 
one  turned  red ; "  whereat  he  exclaimed,  ac 
cording  to  the  same  authority,  who,  in  his 
own  mortal  extremity,  if  Byron  may  be 
credited,  — 

"  Supprest 

With  a  death-bed  sensation  a  blasphemous  jest," 

"Fleas  are  not  lobsters  —  d — n  their  souls  !  " 
But  another  question  has  lately  come  up. 
A  little  girl,  of  the  Buffalo  tribe,  wants  to 
know  if  fleas  are  white;  "cauth  untie  teld  her 
that  Mary  had  a  little  lamb  with  jleas  as 
white  as  snow." 

Another.  —  A  charity  scholar —  perhaps 
one  of  the  Ragged  School  —  on  being  asked, 
after  an  examination  in  the  Psalms,  "What 
was  the  Pestilence  that  walketh  in  darkness?" 
answered, — "Bed  bugth,  thir  !" — Not  so  much 
out  of  the  way,  after  all;  since  fleas  only 
hof  in  darkness. 


266  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

No.  283.  Cross-examination.  —  Says  a 
neighbor,  "  Wife  was  undressing  a  little  four- 
year-old —  Charley — the  other  evening.  After 
he  was  set  free,  he  began  to  feel  of  his  fat, 
chubby  arms,  with  manifest  self-complacency ; 
and  looking  up  into  his  mother's  face,  he  said, 
'  Mamma,  who  made  me  ? ' ' 

'The  Good  Man  away  up  in  the  sky,'" 
said  mamma. 

"Whereupon  Charley  grew  thoughtful,  and 
after  looking  up  through  the  tree-tops  into 
the  clear  blue  starlit  sky  for  a  few  minutes, 
added,  'But,  mamma,  who  took  me  down?' ' 

No.  284.  A  Broad  Hint.  — There  was  an 
aged  country  clergyman,  who  found  so  little 
time  for  study,  that  when  fairly  at  work,  he 
wouldn't  allow  his  grandchildren  to  romp  in 
the  passage,  or  play  hide-and-seek,  or  leap 
frog  in  the  study  —  the  monster  ! 

"  Ma,"  said  one  of  these  little  fellows,  who 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  267 

had  been  snubbed  for  riotous  behavior  one 
day,  "I  say,  Ma,"  —  she  had  just  been  tell 
ing  him  about  heaven  —  "I  say,  Ma,  I  don't 
want  to  go  to  heaven."  "  Don't  want  to  go 
to  heavenj  Georgie  ! "  "No,  Ma,  I'm  sure  I 
don't."  "And  why  not?"  "Why,  gran'pa 
will  be  there,  won't  he?"  "Why  yes  — I 
hope  so."  "Well  —  jest  as  soon  as  he  sees 
us,  he'll  come  scoldin'  along,  and  say,  — 
'  Whew  —  whew  —  whew  I  What  are  these 
boys  here  for?" 

No.  285.  Patronage.  —  "I  say,  dad  — 
have  you  ben  to  the  Museum  yet?"  said  a 
young  American  of  ten.  "No,  my  son." 
"  Well,  jest  you  go,  and  mention  my  name  to 
the  door-keeper,  an'  he'll  take  you  round  and 
show  you  everything." 

No.  286.  Childish  Cunning.  —  "A  child 
who  is  good  at  excuses  is  seldom  good  for 
anything  else,"  quoth  Franklin.  A  naughty 


268  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

little  chap,  says  a  cotemporary ,  went  blub 
bering  into  the  backyard,  because  his  mother 
wouldn't  allow  him  to  go  down  to  the  river 
on  the  Sabbath.  On  being  further  remon 
strated  with,  he  said,  "But,  mamm'a,  I  didn't 
wrant  to  go  in  a-swimmin'  with  'em ;  I  only 
wanted  to  go  down  an'  see  the  bad  little  boys 
drown,  for  goin'  in  a-swimmin' on  a  Sunday  — 
boo-hoo,  boo-hoo  ! " 

No.  287.  Childish  Trust.  —  The  following 
illustration  of  the  passage,  "Whosoever  shall 
not  receive  the  Kingdom  of  God  as  a  little 
child,  he  shall  not  enter  therein,"  will.  I 
am  sure,  be  thankfully  received. 

As  the  train  stopped,  a  gentleman  who  had 
been  seriously  engaged  in  conversation  with 
another,  who  had  a  little  boy  with  him,  said 
to  the  child,  after  bidding  the  father  farewell — 
"  Good-by,  Charley ;  take  care  of  yourself." 

"My  father  will  take  care  of  me,"  said  the 
boy,  with  a  look  of  unquestioning  trust. 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  269 

No.  288.  What  shall  we  fray  for? — A 
child  of  seven  had  been  packed  to  bed  quite 
early  for  something  rather  serious.  At  the 
usual  hour  of  bedtime,  her  mother  sat  down 
by  the  bedside  to  read  prayers  for  the  day. 
"Mamma,"  said  the  little  one,  "please  read 
the  prayer  for  persons  in  affliction." 

No.  289.  A  Poser.—  "Well  then  — who 
took  care  of  the  babies?"  asked  a  little  girl, 
on  hearing  her  mother  say  that  all  people  were 
once  children. 

No.  290.  Another  Poser. — Aunt  Bessie 
had  been  laboring  with  Master  Jack,  to  per 
suade  him  to  go  to  bed  at  set  of  sun ;  urging 
for  his  consideration  that  the  dear  little  chick 
ens  always  went  to  roost  at  that  time.  "Yes, 
auntie  —  I  know  that  —  but  then  the  old  hen 
always  goes  with  'em  !  " 

No.  291.  A  reasonable  Being. — "Halloa, 
mamma  !  halloa  there  ! "  shouted  the  angel 


270  Great  Mysteries  and  Little  Plagues. 

of  the  household,  from  the  top  of  the  garret 
stairs,  "I'm  mad  as  fire  —  and  Hannah  won't 
pacify  me." 

No.  292.  Mind  your  Pronunciation. — A 
gentlewoman  of  Belfast,  Ireland,  was  ques 
tioning  a  child  in  a  charity  school,  about  what 
the  wife  of  a  king,  and  the  wife  of  an  em 
peror  were  called;  and  then  she  added  for 
their  encouragement,  "  And  now  what  is  the 
wife  of  a  duke  called?"  — "A  drake!  a 
drake  !  "  shouted  half  a  dozen  little  voices. 

No  293.  Foresight,  Sagacity ',  and  Thrift. — 
Little  Master  Jemmy  began  to  save  the  change 
that  fell  in  his  way  at  a  very  early  age,  in  the 
hope  of  being  a  rich  man,  like  Messrs  A.,  B., 
and  C.,  who  rode  in  their  carriages,  or  "swung 
on  the  gate  "  all  day  long,  with  "  a  little  more 
fat  pork,"  after  their  wishes  had  been  granted 
for  "  as  much  fat  -pork  as  they  could  eat" 
One  morning,  at  breakfast,  when  he  was 


Pickings  and  Stealings.  271 

about  gobbling  the  last  mouthful,  his  aunt 
informed  him,  that  during  the  night  a  pair 
of  babies  had  been  added  to  the  family,  al 
ready  consisting  of  three  beside  Jemmy. 

The  boy  dropped  his  knife  and  fork,  and 
sung  out,  — "  Good  gracious,  Aunt  Mary  !  if 
father  and  mother  keep  on  at  this  rate,  there 
won't  be  fifty  dollars  a-piece  for  us  I " 


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